SO, I was watching Oprah’s Life Class 4/16/2012 on my computer and TV at the same time on Monday *so that I wouldn’t miss the behind the scenes segments during commercials*. The topic mainly were about Forgiveness.
As I was watching TD Jakes speak, I was going through my mind and came to the conclusion that I had forgiven everyone. But the more he spoke, I KEPT feeling a tug in my heart. And after about 4 good tugs, I asked God have I forgiven everyone? Why am I feeling some kinda way? He said No. My eyes bucked…..cause I was kinda shock, but I kept on thinking well WHO COULD IT BE LORD? Then I thought about this one person who I know for a fact that I AM STILL ANGRY with to this day.
Now, I’m the kind of person who has LOVE for everyone, once you cross me….. I will speak to you and even chat with you if I see you somewhere on the streets. But you will NEVER be apart of my space… which I keep PEACEFUL AND DRAMA FREE.
Once God told me that it was someone I hadn’t forgiven… I had to go deep into my heart and remember who this person was. It was LAMAR. *SIGH* of the thought of even bringing this up. But I want others to see that no matter how you LOVE , there could still be “holes” in your heart where you may not have forgiven someone. I’m known for burying things in my heart and never bringing them to surface again… but God has a way bringing issues back to ME.. and in the process helping me to deal/cope with them. And for that I LOVE him.
I met Lamar through his mom, who worked with me for years at an elementary school at the time. I told her about a vacancy across from me and they both moved in. He was then in his 30′s and I was in my late 20′s. He was my first gay friend and he was not only SO FUNNY, he had the prettiest and whitest teeth ever on a man. Back then I was partying 2-3 times a week * from 5 times a week* and as winter came in, we would take turns playing cards, drinking and talking junk in each other apartments. When Lamar drank….man he was no one you wanted to be around. He use to cry, curse you out, talk crazy junk,wouldn’t go home, bring up stuff from the past…. He was a handful, and as always the next day he would knock on my door saying this *Walker, I’m sorry about last night*… and as surely as I was a forgiven person…. I would take back his friendship. * lots of thoughts come to my mind as I remember those days*.
I met MY BEST FRIEND Charlene at a summer job 23 years ago. We hit it off instantly. We would talk on the phone day in and day out. She was going through her thing with her kids dad, and SO WAS I. We had a lot of hard times together as far as the trials that went on with our kids father. We were dead broke at times, had to borrow from each other to stay afloat. I remember in the winter time, we would meet at the corner of our block and walk together to the grocery store to get food. We use to get our hair done by the same person, we were some bus catching sisters. We always DID what we had to do!!! We never waited around for anybody, we put 2 and 2 together and we made it happen.
What I LOVED about my BFF was that she LOVED the LORD….and so did I. We did our thing as far as drank and had lots of friends over in our days of hanging, but we always read our Bibles together and studied over the phone. Before I met her, she told me that she was IN LOVE with this guy she had met, who lived near her when she was about *13 or 14.. she’s 41 now*. They had both felt the same way about each other. Even though they were way to young to talk about Marriage, they KNEW they were meant for each other. As time went on, she found someone and had 2 children, he had got into some trouble, and was sent away for a while. But they always talked over the phone and wrote letters to each other. All of her out coming and in coming mail to him read like this: Mrs. Charlene Hayes. She would read some of his letters to me over the phone, I was so happy that she was happy.
I remember she would tell me that the older she got the less she wanted to give him all these kids he wanted. He wanted a boy really bad, and she wanted a girl. She already had 2 boys the youngest being 9, and so they AGREED TO HAVE ONE CHILD…. it could be a boy for him or a gurl for her. WE would talk about this all the time like giggly gurls. I couldn’t wait to meet him…. this guy my Best Friend LOVED dearly and wanted to marry and share the rest of her life with. She would always PRAY and tell God exactly what she wanted in her marriage , how it would be done, where they would live, how they would live and IT HAPPENED JUST AS SHE HAD PRAYED AND ASKED GOD. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
As time went on I introduced Lamar to my Best Friend Charlene, who lived directly around the corner from us. Lamar started going around to her house hanging out a lot. I wasn’t jealous or mad about their friendship at all, because I knew who was #1… ME!!! LOL My life style was different than Char’s. I loved to go out and be the life of the party in the spotlight, she never not once went out. She was a homebody family gurl , who loved to cook, entertain, and drink her beer. So, it was cool that Lamar and Char met, for some reason I thought it was a good idea that way….. I could be around my friends who loved to do the things I did.
One day me and Char was talking about how her Mom and my Dad were so much alike, and how our lives were growing up. She shared this with Lamar another time, and then he bought it up to me when we were alone. I was shocked that he knew so much, but then again, they had gotten close so it made sense. Well, HE WENT back and told her about the conversation me and HIM had, and added that I was talking negative about her mother. I WAS SO MAD AND SO ANGRY THAT HE LIED ON ME, that me and her got into a heated argument and decided NOT to be friends anymore. Oh, I HATED him for lying on me. I HATED HIM IN MY SOUL DEEP DOWN….. I HATED HIM WITH MY MIND. I HATED HIM DEARLY because…. HE LIED ON ME….and I felt she believed him.
I remember being so ANGRY and UPSET about how he lied on me, just so that he can make sure that I was out of the picture and he stayed… that God began to talk to me, because he knew I was so upset. He said to me and I will NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER forget. He said La’Crease Let it go. He said when you and Charlene come back together, you and her are going to be SO CLOSE, that no one will EVER break you and her apart again. He said TRUST ME. I have to fan myself thinking back on the day he told me this. Every time I wanted to talk to my friend Char and couldn’t get up the nerve to call her, I thought about what God told me….. and it made me feel better. I believed him, and his words comforted me……all 6 years we didn’t speak.
When I found out that he was home, working, and were already planning to buy their first home together. I was VERY UPSET in my mind because I wanted to meet this guy who my BFF raved about. I wanted to build my own friendship with him because I had known so much about him through her. I wanted to share in her joy. I wanted to be there for her Mentality and Spiritually. But since Lamar LIED on me, that wasn’t going to happen. I was stubborn and she was too.
She flew her wedding party to VEGAS and got MARRIED. OH MY GAWD…. I thought I was going to DIE when I heard that news. I was so ANGRY. HOW could all this happen without ME? This is something we talked about for years and years. Way before Lamar was in the picture, and way before he came home. Then…….. my BFF got pregnant and GOD BLESSED THEM WITH A SET OF TWINS…. A BOY FOR HIM AND A GURL FOR HER!!!!! It happened just as she asked God. Their son is named after her HUSBAND… and Tyra Charlene, after Tyra Banks. Not once did her and I talk on the phone during these times. I was suppose to be her Maid of Honor at her Wedding, and also her KIDS GOD MOTHER. OMG thinking about it, JUST DOES SOMETHING TO ME. I’m still ANGRY about it. I thought once I DISSED LAMAR FOR GOOD for what he did… that I would be okay with how I felt about him.
I moved out of the apartment building after 4 years…. and never looked back. I had lost my BFF and with God there is no telling when me and her were going to speak again. I had to TRUST and BELIEVE his word to me about our FRIENDSHIP being CLOSER THAN EVER, and just waiting on that time to come was the hardest part.
At this time in my life, I had started going to Church every Sunday for a whole year I didn’t miss NOT ONE SUNDAY. I was so close to God, seems like we were joined at the hip. I stop partying, and drinking and going out unless it was a special occasion. I had went through some SERIOUS things in my relationship with a boyfriend that turned me completely to God. I missed my BFF and I was at a place of PEACE in my life, so I picked up the phone and called her. She was so happy to hear from me. We had so many things to talk about and catch up on. I was happy. And even though we were talking again….. things were different.
I had to get to know her all over again. She was married….. a DIFFERENT PERSON NOW….. had 2 children that I had never met. I was suppose to be their God Mother. How could 2 people be so close at one time, and not know one thing about them years later? That alone DEVASTATED ME. So, I kinda drifted apart, getting my own house in order. I was about to get engaged at one point, things didn’t work out, she knew none of that. We talked a few times a week, nothing too serious.. Lamar was still her friend, but they weren’t as close as they were before she got married.
After moving into my first house ( no apartment).. things were going good for me. I cleaned HOUSE SHO NUFF on my friendships, I wasn’t turning back. I desired to keep in touch with Charlene again on the regular. So what….. I had to get to know her all over again, I knew what God told me and wanted my friend back. We started talking everyday. I went to meet her husband and twins for the first time. I was happy. He was happy to meet me because he had heard so much about me, and he’s a Virgo just like me. LOL Char calls him La’Crease Walker, and calls me by his name….because she says we are so much alike we make her sick!! LOL * in a good way*. She says if she hadn’t known me.. she would never had ever gotten along with him because she just couldn’t understand the way we think. LOL
TODAY we are SO CLOSE…. SO CLOSE. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO CLOSE THAT GOD DIDNT TELL ME ALL OF THIS. He didn’t tell me it was going to be THIS WAY. I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND!!! LOL We are so Spiritually Connected its crazy. God can give me a word about moving to Atlanta…. she will text me and say this…. my husband wants me to move South… but I don’t want to leave my mother. THAT WAS MY ISSUE. And I would CALL HER and we would crack up how God has us on the same page ALL THE TIME. Every morning she text me a Scripture or something God gave her, and it will line up with something HE ALREADY TOLD ME the day before. We are so CLOSE and I Thank God for her, she is SO WISE AND SO SMART, AND SO FULL OF COMPASSION….YOU CAN TELL GOD LOVES HER DEARLY.
One morning, I had this dream about Lamar. I was NOT his friend at all, but it made me call Char and tell her about it. It was weird. She told me that she was done with him and that the dream was whatever. So, soon after that I had another dream about him…. and I called her and told her about it again. She told me that the last time she spoke with him was last year when he wanted to take her to see Janet Jackson, but she was so over him and his drama, she told him No…. Thanks, and to Be Blessed. She got a new number and never spoke to him again. Those were her last words to him. About 3 weeks ago, God woke her up and lead her to this web site where you can find someone. He had been on her mind a lot lately, since they lost comtact. She had never been to this site before or even knew it existed. She typed in Lamar’s name and found out that he had been dead since LAST JULY. She called ME DEVASTATED.
I knew it was a reason why I kept dreaming about him. I didn’t like to talk about him… at all PERIOD..but I did TELL HER… plus I wondered what happened to him. He has no family members here in Detroit, but Char found his mother’s phone number and called her. It was really sad how he died. My friend was really sad about it… and if it was my friendship with him.. I would be sad too. I feel bad tho about how numb I feel about him. I was so angry with him back then , that I have no reaction. Of course its terrible, and I feel bad about him dying, but through the years I learned to NUMB myself about anything concerning him. So when she calls me and want to talk about him, my insides flips. I love my BFF and he was both our friend at one time, but this is one of those things where I have to deal with my OWN ISSUES CONCERNING HIM. We had a lot of fun together, and even though he LIED on me, and I was able to move on by burying the thought of him in my mind. I’m faced to deal with the FORGIVENESS of someone who isn’t even here anymore. Hadn’t I saw Oprah’s Life Class, I would have never REALIZED that I was carrying this years too long.
I missed MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING * they celebrated 15 years last month*, I missed the BIRTH OF MY GOD CHILDREN TYRA AND TONY * they are 13 now*….. I missed her BABY SHOWER…. HER PREGNANCY, the move in of their new HOME….all while HE *Lamar* WAS THERE …… I MISSED A LOT and I don’t know how to *grieve* with her. I don’t know how to pretend this is a topic I want to hear. I don’t know how to respond because I don’t want to hear about. BUT… God is so good, and he is always with me….. I have learned to LISTEN…..and the more I LISTEN to her talk about her friend…. I find things that I did loved about Lamar. And since I’m not a FAKE PERSON….. I can be real and LISTEN to her at the same time.
Watching Oprah’s Life Class last week, made God nudge me and let me know that I hadn’t FORGIVEN someone….. and that person is LAMAR. Even still to this day….. I chose to ignore everything about him. I should feel sad….but I feel numb. All of my FRIENDS know Lamar….. but I haven’t told ONE PERSON … about his death. Because I chose to ignore everything about him. I know I am wrong. But I just don’t want to talk about him.
I’m happy that me and my BFF are BETTER BEST FRIENDS THAN GOD COULD HAVE EVER TOLD ME….. but still in my heart….. I miss Lamar too. Maybe its time I take a moment each day and think about the good times I had with him * WE had a LOT*…. instead of choosing to ignore he ever existed.
She moved in…without her husband. They were in the process of a divorced. I hated her being back, living under me, seeing my every move. And me wondering if she was a even worst person than before. By this time, I had built a wall around myself where I was very private. If you wanted to ask me a question about me…… you wouldn’t because you’d be scared of me going off. My business was my business and no one was ever going to hurt me in that way again.
As time went on, I wanted to know how things happened with her and my daughters dad. She told me everything. By this time, I had cut him off completely as far as sexual. He came to see his daughter, but I wouldn’t let him buy me a sandwich if I was Hungary AND HAVEN’T EATEN IN 50 WEEKS… HE WAS CUT OFF. When I’m done….. I’m done.
Me and her started going to Church, we would talk and really enjoy each others friendship again. I NEVER TRUSTED her in that kinda way as far as my male friends. NEVA …. but it was something about her that was different this time. She told me how her husband use to beat her, and how he got on drugs, and how he made her life a living hell. Apart of me wanted to say…. That’s what you get…. but there was something in me that wouldn’t allow me to be ignorant. Believe it or not, we were the BEST OF FRIENDS. She was better a friend to me then, than she ever was before. And what’s funny……. is that all my friends that I use to call over to help me terrorize her, had a hard time letting the offense that she did to me go. I couldn’t even explain how things had changed, and how God moved her out of the house, and then back into it years later, JUST SO THAT I COULD LEARN THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. When she moved out, I moved out as well. We kept in touch as we do today. I can’t explain our friendship and how God did things, but it was for our good. And even though we live in different cities, we chat on FB all the time, and she’s MY BIGGEST FINANCIAL SUPPORTER OF ALL MY HOMELESS PROJECTS. She is truly a Woman of God and I love her dearly. And I Thank God for showing me who I was, and how to FORGIVE. Even if it took for him to move her out of town, and back into the same house years later to teach us both a lesson. God knew that it would come together.
As I laid on the couch last week talking to God. I asked him…… PLEASE TELL ME…. LORD, WHY AM I SO NICE? WHY CANT I JUST GO OFF AND LET THAT BE THE END OF IT? WHY DO I FORGIVE PEOPLE SO EASILY WHEN OTHERS WOULD NEVER SPEAK A WORD TO THE PEOPLE WHO HURT THEM? WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR ME TO KEEP IT MOVING AND STILL KEEP PEACE? WHY AM I SO NICE… I MAKE MYSELF SICK LORD!!!! WHY?
My best times to talk to God is when I lay on my couch with the TV off and the light is dimmed. I look up to my ceiling and talk his ears off. LOL
One day last week, I was having one of those talks and I started looking back on my life and seeing how it relates to me today. And what God showed me…..tells a lot about who I am today. I didn’t understand how no matter what people do to me, I still LOVED them. I’ll explain more later.
I grew up in the home with both my parents, even though me and my dad didn’t get alone well as I got in my teens, he is a man who LOVES his family. We were told I LOVE YOU all day everyday. We got hugs…just because. We use to go out to dinner every Friday when my dad got paid. We got allowances, we would go for rides every weekend. When me and my siblings (4 of us) got into arguments we had to make up on the spot….which was kiss and hug. We were NEVER allowed to fight….if we got caught it was TROUBLE!!! As we got into our teens, we were very popular in the neighborhood. Everybody use to come and sit on our porch all day and all night. We still have those SAME FRIENDS to this day.
As I started dating, the guys I ATTRACTED use to make me mad and jealous. I was very jealous growing up and when they made me mad, I would say things like ” I hate you, I hope you die”. I was a very angry teen, which later turned into my early 20′s. I was so mean that my MOM use to PRAY for me day in and day out. I was so mean to my boyfriends, that my parents didn’t know what to do for me. Once I moved out at 22, my mom PRAYED harder that God would change my attitude. She said that she didn’t want anyone to “Kill” me with the anger I was carrying. Little did she know…that GOD was about to deal with me ONE ON ONE.
I went through a lot with people being jealous of me, of my relationship with my siblings, and for having both families in the home, where I had complete total access to both of my parents. The way I lived, and how friendly I was, without it ever being a story of me hurting anyone. I was and still is a good friend. When I found out that my daughter’s dad was sleeping with my friend who lived in a downstairs flat ….. IT ROCKED MY WHOLE WORLD. I never in my life felt a betrayal and devastation like that in my life. OH God…. that pain is deep in my heart….. I couldn’t even cry. I terrorized her every chance I got, and I cut him off from the HEAD!!! After so many months of preying on them, they finally stopped seeing each other. I hated him and hated her.
One day, I said Lord, I cant hold this in my heart any longer….its taking over my thoughts and my life. Then…..she knocked on my door and told me that she was moving out of town. I SAID YESSSS!!! I was so happy, she wanted to make amends and leave with peace. Our friendship was over as far as I was concerned, but I was too happy she was leaving town to marry her kids dad. Good BYE!!! After a year or more of her being gone. I remember clear as day, God asked me while I was washing dishes……have you forgiven her? I said Yes!!! She moved years ago, I don’t have to see her anymore….. I said Yes, God I have. He said alright….we’ll see. Never knew what it meant by that.
Soon after that day God asked me that question…… She got my number from her mom and she called me saying this…… I have spoken to our Landlord, and I’m moving back downstairs. I was devastated again. I said God how could you let her move back into this same house? How could you let her come back to Detroit? I told him that I didn’t ever want to see her again, and that I had forgiven her. I was done with her in my mind, I had never planned to see her again… she did me wrong.
There is truly one thing that in order to move on from something is to ask God for understanding. I’m not saying that you accept the behavior of what you are asking God to help you understand. Try to understand the place in which what was done to you, came from. I hope that made sense. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
My dad come from a place where he had lots of brothers and sisters, and lots of cousins, uncles, aunts living under one roof. In order for him to eat dinner on any night, he had to BE in the house at the table when, dinner was done and ready to be served or he wouldn’t eat……because the food would be gone. The adults didn’t save food for the kids to eat, it was that if you were there, then you had a chance to eat. If you were outside playing, and you wasn’t hungry, then you take your chances as to if you were going to eat that night.
So…… when my dad married my mom and started a family, in our house, we ALWAYS had plenty of food. I can never think of a time when we went hungry, we NEVER had those days. All I remember was throwing out food at the end of the day, because we had too much. We would have so much food in the fridge, that we saved in bowls that after so long it had to be thrown in the garbage.
This type of behavior/mentality comes from the times when my dad was a kid, and went to bed hungry because there wasn’t enough food. He has told us plenty and many of times, that whenever he had a family that there would be plenty of food and that no one would go hungry. Well, my dad made good on that, because as I am 44 years old I can never remember going to be hungry. Never. As an adult I can UNDERSTAND where his mentality comes from when it comes to his children going to bed hungry.
I gave you an example of something that’s positive and through my fathers experience, it has allowed my family to never go hungry. Now, I’m going to give you a not so positive experience and example of UNDERSTANING the situation…. but NOT having to accept the behavior as your own.
When I was a young gurl in junior high, we use to always get our phone, lights and water cut off. I remember times when we had to go over to a family house to bathe until ours got turned back on. Having the phone disconnected was something I hated as a teen, and I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER go through that when I got grown and had a family. Did I understand why this was happening back then…..NO!!! But I do now understand that kind of mentality coming from how my mom and dad were both raised. Do I have to live that way?… HECKE NAW! LOL What I understand is that my dad came from a do or die family. He knew what it was like to go hungry, we didn’t. He knew what it was like to wear hand me downs, ….we didn’t. In my dad’s eyes, he looked at it this way…… our lights may be off today, but at least we have each other. Our lights are off today, but they will be back on next Monday, so in the meantime lets play games and talk to each other. We didn’t like that. I NOW UNDERSTAND where his strength to want to play games, and talk through the fact that our lights are off, IT’S BECAUSE he lived life much harder than we did.There were so many people living in one house, that all they had was each other even when they didnt have food to eat. In his mind it was bonding time…. but even today IN MY MIND….. THE LIGHTS WILL BE ON FOR THAT. LOL I don’t need my lights off to bond. But I Thank God, that I UNDERSTAND the mentality, BUT I WILL NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR live it, enjoy it, or desire to visit those days in my adult life. But I must say, it has taught me to pay my bills. I have the best credit when it comes to paying my bills. I try to pay off my bills when I get them and I get paid. I don’t ever want to look up and my services are being shut off, I have been through enough in my childhood days with that. I pay for my cell phone, 2 HOUSE PHONE NUMBERS, lights/gas, cable, Internet, and 6 CREDIT CARDS…YES 6. Just last month I called the cable company and told them that I would be late paying, she looked at my payment history and was like Ms. Walker, your history looks good. I was happy to hear that, so I HAVE TO look at my past and Thank God/parents for that, because what I’ve been through is NOT who I am today. I CHOSE TO BE POSITIVE, NOT TO DWELL ON THE PAST.
The big question…. am I upset with my parents about the conditions in which we as kids had to live? I use to be. Until I asked God for UNDERSTANDING. I needed to UNDERSTAND the place in which these types of conditions came from. Over the years, and I do mean years…… I had to go through my own experiences to UNDERSTAND how things could happen when you never planned them to be that way. Once God showed me that UNDERSTANDING had nothing to do with me ACCEPTING that way of LIFE for MYSELF…. then I was able to LIVE. Then I was able to FORGIVE. Understanding and Forgiveness GOES HAND IN HAND.