I got the memo from GOD HIMSELF
in my hands
there are several lanes in my life
filled with people who are connected to me in some way
we all want different things
once we make it to THIS ONE destination.
The bell sound and we all run
running in my lane
I BELIEVE with all my heart the MEMO GOD GAVE TO ME
shall come to pass.
NEVER looking in or around me
at the other runners
I’m not distracted because I am in my OWN lane
everyone else has their lane
but for some reason they’re all looking at ME now.
I don’t see them
because I am looking AHEAD
in my own lane.
They continue to run
but something seem hard to them
they’re tired of running
the race is too long
but still they want to finish
I’m feeling good enjoying my race
never at all having the urge to look away
to the side, or behind
never even once.
The race is taking longer than I expected
but still I run
one by one, by one, by one
they’re starting to believe they can’t finish the race
they need a “driver” to take them to their destination
they figure, if she’s going …we’ll get there!
because they see… ….mines looks promising,
only because I BELIEVE
and they sense and see that… I BELIEVE
they figure “why run a race I cant see and believe
when SHE WILL SURELY GET US THERE BY HER FAITH”?
So they leave their lanes
to run in my MINES
so busy running the race before ME
I ignore the fact that they’ve abandoned their lane
they seem to be “cheerleaders”
“friends” “sisters” all running
when all the time they’re behind me
expecting to finish this race by my legs.
IN MY LANE….NOT THERE’S
trying to run in the same lane as I.
I got another MEMO from GOD
as I run this race
“you have people in your lane
trying to piggy back off you,
and I’ve always told you that
everybody can’t go where you’re going”.
behind you, LOOK…. in your own lane
you will see that everyone
who “claimed” they’re to meet
at the same destination
are all in your lane
holding on to your coat tail
trying to ride with you.
So, one by one
I ripped them away from me
disconnecting them like a radio dropped in water
Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, a year has passed
and no sign of the runners
I am in the race all alone
others have fell short
I cry, then I smile
I can see my destination clear as day
they try their best to get back in the race
THIS TIME… IM THE BADDEST CHICK
I can see ALL lanes
those coming, those running
this time I’m looking for distracters
I see them ALL in my rear view
a prayer sends them on their way
I’m still running
and there are more DISTRACTIONS
its amazing the view I see
when I open my eyes
I’m in my own lane
I’m still running….
I am still in the race.
Just sitting here thinking about……. how in life you get all of these *signs* …. which at the time doesn’t make sense. Then something REALLY BIG happens, and you sit there, and you sit there, and you sit there, and you sit there. REALIZING… .. …..that these *SIGNS* from MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE * in the last week* …. ALL have one word in common LIES. FREE UNEXPLAINED LIES.
And so, today, I sit here thinking…… hands over my mouth, staring into space…. hair all over the place * like a CRAZY person*, face disfigured from the many channels of my facial expressions. Asking God how did I come to this place……. where I just sit and *allow* this disrespect to happen over, and over, and over, and over? People coming at me sideways like I’m stupid….. while I sit back and I listen to God fill me in on their schemes and LIES.
The “old” La Crease would have ripped them apart LIKE AN APPLE IN A JUICER….. the *new* La Crease sits here and listen to God talk her down from it. Boy these people are so BLESSED.
People that I LOVE… people who I use to DEARLY LOVE, strangers-customers, and PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER~ EVER BE APART OF MY LIFE AGAIN…. In silence, I listen to God, tears form, they fall….. how many more days do I have to stand behind this *fence* you have me in separating my teeth from these people? Is this my life? Tell me now? Lord, please Help me to stay in this fence. Its safer for me, and its safer for them. I know Lord, that you’re so deep inside me, that if I get them…..you’ll GET ME….and you know…. I don’t want any trouble from you * looking at you SMILING*.
For 8 1/2 years * at my job* I have shown myself friendly, I go to work to motivate, inspire and to encourage EVERYONE….EVERYDAY. So deep, and to the point where if I get upset about something…. they’ll come to me and stare…..asking…… Ms. La’Crease, I’ve never seen you like this before…are you okay? Its always expected of ME * because of what I put out*….what I’ve shown them throughout this walk….. this I know….. but, I am not perfect and I hate to be treated as if I do no wrong. My coworkers truly adore me this I know…. they have constantly showed me this in all ways. I have shown not only my coworkers this *new La Crease* side that God has introduced me to many years ago. But also to my favorite neighborhood customers that come to my store weekly.
So, now that they see YOU in me Lord….. I CAN’T go back to the “old” LaCrease. I get that!!! I have to stay this way. ….PLUS I LOVE IT HERE. But can I please ask this… why is it so HARD? Why? Why won’t people just let me BE NICE? Why do they LIE to me for no reason? Why do they come to me being FAKE and you know I KNOW THE TRUTH…. YOU KNOW I DO LORD…. “the old me” I would have hung up on them…… in the middle of their conversation and turned my ringer off FOR GOOD. How did I get tolerance for this mess? I don’t play this ? Are you serious?? I know mines is NOTHING compared to what JESUS went through…..
I’m really going through right now. I’m one of the strongest women I know. I admit.. I’m very strong* my siblings can tell it best*….but it seems EASIER TO PULL OUT MY SHARK TEETH and put bite marks into some of these *wackos* behind. LOL But I LOVE THE LORD TOOOOOOOO MUCH to go back to the *old* me. I love the FAVOR I RECEIVE EVERYWHERE I GO……everywhere I go people know me, people talk to me…. they recognize me all over the city….. Thank you for not having stranger eyes, and for being someone that’s approachable, Thank you for having/receiving the best customer service… my WISDOM… my ADVICE… MY LOVE …MY SMILE…. MY SPIRIT…. Lord, I love this side better….. all I ask is that you keep me behind the fence with YOU. Protect me…..keep me *new*.
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy
She moved in…without her husband. They were in the process of a divorced. I hated her being back, living under me, seeing my every move. And me wondering if she was a even worst person than before. By this time, I had built a wall around myself where I was very private. If you wanted to ask me a question about me…… you wouldn’t because you’d be scared of me going off. My business was my business and no one was ever going to hurt me in that way again.
As time went on, I wanted to know how things happened with her and my daughters dad. She told me everything. By this time, I had cut him off completely as far as sexual. He came to see his daughter, but I wouldn’t let him buy me a sandwich if I was Hungary AND HAVEN’T EATEN IN 50 WEEKS… HE WAS CUT OFF. When I’m done….. I’m done.
Me and her started going to Church, we would talk and really enjoy each others friendship again. I NEVER TRUSTED her in that kinda way as far as my male friends. NEVA …. but it was something about her that was different this time. She told me how her husband use to beat her, and how he got on drugs, and how he made her life a living hell. Apart of me wanted to say…. That’s what you get…. but there was something in me that wouldn’t allow me to be ignorant. Believe it or not, we were the BEST OF FRIENDS. She was better a friend to me then, than she ever was before. And what’s funny……. is that all my friends that I use to call over to help me terrorize her, had a hard time letting the offense that she did to me go. I couldn’t even explain how things had changed, and how God moved her out of the house, and then back into it years later, JUST SO THAT I COULD LEARN THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. When she moved out, I moved out as well. We kept in touch as we do today. I can’t explain our friendship and how God did things, but it was for our good. And even though we live in different cities, we chat on FB all the time, and she’s MY BIGGEST FINANCIAL SUPPORTER OF ALL MY HOMELESS PROJECTS. She is truly a Woman of God and I love her dearly. And I Thank God for showing me who I was, and how to FORGIVE. Even if it took for him to move her out of town, and back into the same house years later to teach us both a lesson. God knew that it would come together.
As I laid on the couch last week talking to God. I asked him…… PLEASE TELL ME…. LORD, WHY AM I SO NICE? WHY CANT I JUST GO OFF AND LET THAT BE THE END OF IT? WHY DO I FORGIVE PEOPLE SO EASILY WHEN OTHERS WOULD NEVER SPEAK A WORD TO THE PEOPLE WHO HURT THEM? WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR ME TO KEEP IT MOVING AND STILL KEEP PEACE? WHY AM I SO NICE… I MAKE MYSELF SICK LORD!!!! WHY?
Part 3 coming tomorrow. Its deep.
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy
I know I have been missing…. LOL Just doing some Soul Searching ya know? I decided that I wasn’t going to “do too much” that I was going to buy me some sticky posts and go back to writing simple notes and tag them around my computer monitor to remind me of what’s important.
Right now I have 10 notes, and 5 of them says…. “Stop trying to take on everybody”… “Call Sherry Friday after 7″, “God, Me, Family and Friends”, “My credit score is….” and the other is my work schedule for the week”. I realized that I try to do too much. My mind is cloudy, I don’t sleep much, I’m working, doing this, and planning that. So, I decided that God was important, Myself, then family and friends. And I like this. I get to come home from work, and see that I’m not all over the place. I’m the kinda gurl that if I write something down, plan a date, or pick up the phone and make plans……its a done deal. I have to visualize it, and then write it down.
One day last week, me and Neisha were on our way home. We were entering the freeway, when this truck/bus didn’t get over OR speed up so that we can merge properly. Oh, I was heated and on fire. Then Neisha ( my daughter) said to me…..”Ma you gotta stop trying to take on everybody”. She said you cant beat everybody. I’m like WOW….that really, I mean really made a light bulb go off in my head.Her words hit me hard!!! She was right!!!! I do try to take on everybody!!! Wow! And in my mind….. I’m not trying to beat everybody, I just want them to know that they’ve just offended me. I have to blow my horn, or If I’m at work and I say… “this is 20 items or less and you have over 50, and its not fair to the people behind you”. Then if they say ( and they usually will ), well, I’m a customer too, and since I’m already in line, I’m not moving, they’re just gonna have to wait. That right there…………gets my blood boiling. Right there in that moment, my leg starts jumping, and I get this feeling inside, and I have to say “Lord, please come down here and help me”. In my mind, I want to knock everything off the counter, and say ” not by these hands you wont get rung up”. I get down right mad…. again… because I’m angry and feel offended. You’re showing me that you don’t care about others. I’m personally offended by that. In my mind…. I’m asking… how could you look back at this line ( and yes, they are looking at you), and say F*** Yall to these people? Really? Is it really all about you……then since I’m the cashier, I feel you personally made me apart of THE BS. Because I have to ring you up.
Soooooo, when Neisha told me this, it really was a AHA Moment. But still I didn’t know where this anger had come from.
The very next day, I was reading some Tweets and noticed that this one person is always tweeting and talking down on this ONE person. It made me so angry, I made up a fake twitter account and NUTTED UP on them. Each time I sent out a Tweet, it was like “Pepsi to the head”…..FANTASIC feeling. This person didn’t know who I was, and it made it easier for me to go off . Then, it became “time consuming” to keep up with this person. I was way out of character, and it was taking a lot of energy from me, and even though it felt good in the beginning, I didn’t like it anymore. So, after 3 days I deleted the account and asked God….what drives me to “take on everybody”? I begged God to please help me!!! Its killing me to be angry with someone everyday, just because they have “offended” me. I’ve always been a person that does my own thing. But when people gossip, lie, be fake, don’t care about the next persons feelings, think about themselves, be selfish, mean, THAT BOTHERS ME TO NO END. And I don’t know how to control myself.
I said Lord, I cant keep going through this, I want to stop it before it gets way out of hand. God knows that when I need a word from him, I will get some place, sit down and listen for him to speak to me.
He finally did…. Coming up in the next blog entry! You dont want to miss this breakthru!
Thank you Lord for giving me LIFE. Thank you for hand picking my family, I love and adore them dearly. No matter how many disagreements we have you always show me that you created them for me, and me for them…..and I see that. I know that. I feel that. Thank you.
Thank you for the talks we have especially on the River, my favorite place to be in your presense. You bring me joy and make me laugh. You are so funny and you know when I die I am known for always laughing. Thank you for being silly with me when you know that I’m upset about something, you always bring me back with the silly things you say to me, that only me and you know about. I love that. Thank you for taking the “worry box” out of my head, because you know I don’t worry about much at all. I use too, but you always show me that what I’m going through today, will quickly pass and another issue will be at hand, and you always talk care of that too. I love the conversations we have while Im driving, you know its where Im at peace most, and you know how to calm me down. I just love that about you. Thank you.
Thank you for my life and the lives I touch daily.
To be continued….
1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV / 12 helpful votes
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
Just stopping in to check with you all. God is so good. Keep on talking to me. Im listening.