*The only time I’ll curse*

Hey♥

I know I need to be in bed right now, but I’m only working 4 hours tomorrow so I decided to stay up and blog. I have been blogging since 2003, and for some reason I don’t see an end to it at all. A good friend of mines who I met on the Anita Baker Message Board in 2003 turned me on to Yahoo 360. As of July 13 2009, that site has been deleted. To date I  have over 400 blog entries and I really love it. A lot of times I would start to blog and I get writers block. I can have hundreds of thoughts that pass my mind that I would love to write on, bit as soon as I get on this site it just disappear.

This guy that I met a few years ago came through my line yesterday. Let me go back when I met him he was with this white gurl and he said that she was just his friend. But see when he gave me his number to call him she was on the store shopping. And when it was time to pay he made sure she didn’t come through my line. Anyway we talked that night, had a good conversation. We we talking and asking questions come to find out he use to date this gurl who use to stay with me when her mom put her out. I had to be about 25. He would come over to pick up this gurl and they would go places.  She introduced me to him and that was it. Fast forward to now 17 years later this guy that I met is HIM. In my mind I don’t want to date anyone that my friend knows. I don’t care if he’sBrad Pitt I’m just not comfortable with that. That’s all I have to say about that. I don’t want to go inside my mind and figure out why……….. I’m just not feeling that. So after he called me and called me and called me. I got my number changed and he couldn’t get in touch with me anymore. I never told him why I did a Whoodini, I just did. Yesterday this guy comes through my line and he’s looking at me, and I’m looking at him. Im like dayummmmmmmmmm he fione. It wasnt his turn yet but I had my eye on him. When it was turn we made small talked, * he looked at my hand* which I was wearing the birthstone that my mom boughtme with diamonds in it. So, after a second of small talk, he looked at me and said * you still don’t remember me do you*? I was real at attention then. ( lol). He said I’m *such and such*. My mouth almost opened and hit the floor, but I didn’t look shocked …..I hope I didn’t. He wasn’t even pressed by me * lol*. He paid for his things and he left!!!! Wow→ he was looking good!!! But willI’ll talk to him in that kinda way………..as the gurl on Coming to America Says……….Naaaaaaaa.•

 Yesterday me and Neisha were out riding and I was talking to a stranger again when she gave me this eye signal to come on because someone looked suspicious. I read her eyes cut the conversation short we got in the car and left. This gurl doesn’t miss a beat, when she becomes a Attorney it will be well deserved……….the gurl is bad and full of Godly Wisdom. She told me all the things she would have done to this guy had he been up to something, and poor me blink out and thought about how much I admire her because for the life of me I can’t see myself hurting a bee. Which lead to another *video* that played in my head about me being molested when I was a young gurl. I remembered just laying there wondering what in the world was going on while me parents enjoy a nice night at the drive in. This guy was my dad’s cousin. When he pulled me out of my bed and put me into another one * it was 4 of us * I remember him pulling off my panties and throwing them. He got on top of me and rub himself on me. I was so scared I tricked him and told him that I heard my parents coming in the door. He got up and went back down stairs. The next day, I went right next door to my bestfriends house and told them what happened. And the part that makes me mad at myself is I didn’t tell them as a victim, but as a person who was stupid and didn’t know what was going on. I think about that all the time and get so mad. The person that I am today I would neverrrrrrrrr want this out. Dunno why I’m even posting this, maybe it was on my mind tough. Anyway when I see that family I think of what I told them. I must have been young. Then it happened 2 times with their older brother. So now that I’m grown I’m thinking……..did they tell him and he saw opportunity to do it too? Every time I saw this brother he was always smiling at me, and looking at me like he wanted to take me in the room and do all kinds of things to me. I fucking hated him. That grim reaper smile, and he had the nerve to be best buds with my dad. And sometimes I wonder why he didn’t see it? That’s another thing that pisses me off to no end. How don’t you know when your friend wants to fuck your daughter? I never told anyone about what he did to me, all the things he said to me and how he use to want to babysit us so he could get me alone. Why the hell can’t kids be kids? Its always somebody wanting a turn to get at you, to plot against you. What feeling could you possibly get by rubbing the vagina of a young 13 year old. He’s in jail for murder and I hope he never gets to come home.

Sometimes I ask God why did this have to happen to me? Not saying it should have happened to someone else, but why me? What was God thinking when this was going on? Why didn’t he do something to stop it? When I think about this, I just don’t understand for the 41 years on life in me.

Then when I  was 17 I was going with this guy, we never did anything and he use to spend a lot of time with me. I loved him because he was tall, handsome, thick and was soooooo silly. One late night we were sitting in my dad’s car talking like we always did. We got out of the car and as he was leaving I was giving him a hug and a kiss, he grabbed me and dragged me into my back yard. It was like a demon had gotten into him. He wouldn’t let me go. He was so tall and so cocky I couldn’t do anything with him. He threw me up against my house and pulled down my pants. Once inside my panties he stuck his fingers so deep in me that it shut down my mind. I was so in shock I couldn’t scream. My daddy was calling me * Ill never for get it* and I was too afraid to say anything, my dad would have been in jail and killed him. Once his fingers were in me, he pulled me down to the ground and raped me. I looked up to the sky and zone completely out. After it was over he  pulled his pants up and left. I stayed there laying on the ground in my * spooky dark* backyard wondering what the hell am I going to tell my daddy for not answering him when he called. I finally got up, I was bleeding so bad and felt so dirty that I know I had to have been walking like a zombie. When I finished showering my parents still never knew what happened to me. I was a virgin never been with anyone. Sometimes I wondered did this happen because I bragged about it. I never wanted to see him again. Then weeks later he saw me, my heart was beating so fast. He walked up to me and said………….*why didn’t you tell me you were on your period*. Every time I think about that shyt I get pissed off.On my period you fucking stupid b**** I don’t think so.

Going to bed goodnight.

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