Forgiving my rapist (wrote Dec 7, 09~ finished June 1, 10)

Dear LaCrease,

Today was a breakthrough day for me. A huge breakthrough. One of the biggest of my life. This post is probably my History. Well, you know I have been struggling with the fact that I was raped as a virgin when I was 17, he was 18, now he’s 43, by a boyfriend at the time. To this day I still can’t believe it happened. After that happened, I saw him a few times after that, but wanted to forget it even happened. My family moved and I never wanted to see him again. I met someone right after the rape and had a baby. For years he said she was his. But he really knew better. For years I hid it in the back of my mind, tried to live my life. But as my life slowed down  I began to think about my past. Yes, it took years later, but it came back to me.

For years I always knew his whereabouts because I know his whole family and keep in contact with his brother. Just so happen when we called ourselves boyfriend and gurlfriend, he had another  gurlfriend who I found out about later. When we were comparing notes about him, we became close and very good friends. It’s crazy I know, but we always kept in touch, even if we hadn’t talked to each other for years.  He knew it, but he didn’t care. lol She had one child, which is his son who is now about 23 years old.  Back in the day we would sit all day and share stories about how abusive he was to the both of us. We fought, they fought, he raped me, and he raped her several times. He did awful things to her and to me.  There is so much, it’s not even to share. Years and  years and years passed  I never had contact with him.

 He was always in trouble about something, always abusive, and finally was sent to jail for something he did to someone. Aint gon lie, I was happy he was in jail, especially after thinking about what he did  to me, he deserved it, he was really off the hook. When he was supposed to be released I was hoping he would stay in longer, and  he did. Months before he was to be released, me and his ex gurlfriend got back in contact with each other. She told me that she went to visit him often, and that’s when they decided to get married. Yes, in  JAIL!  I was very shocked by that, but not really thinking back on it. She loved him and always loved him more than any of the women he’s been with. He even got married on her, she still loved him.

As far as I was concerned, I never wanted to see him again. But I knew one day he would come home and by me and her being friends he would want to talk to me.

Today was that day.

She and I are friends on Facebook, so she sent me an email and said for me to call her, and that her husband was finally home. My heart started beating when I read that line. I was happy for  her, because that is what she wanted. But at the same time, I started thinking about what he did to me. So I never called her. Today, I was looking at my friends on my Facebook page, saw her photo, sat here for a minute and finally decided to * gone and get it over with*. I made up my mind to finally call her. She answered the phone, and was very happy to hear from me. After a few minutes I asked her how did she feel about her hubby finally being home. No sooner than I said that, she said he’s right here he wants to talk to you. My heart was beating, here I am about to risk it all ( mentally) and talk to this man who raped me and took my virginity away from me, left me bleeding in my own back yard, late at night. This man is not a stranger, he’s someone who is in my circle of friends. I have to talk to him for myself. I have to stop thinking about this everyday. I have to hear his voice to see where his head was at. I need to hold on to any word and grab for myself anything that could heal me and help me to get over this.

He grabbed the phone from her, and first thing he said was …………Hello how are you? I was so nervous. I knew that I had to do this to get it over with. This was so weird for me, but its been a long time coming. I said I’m doing good and you? (My  heart was  pumping  so fast). He told me that he was fine and doing good, and that he was happy to be home.  He also said that he has gotten very close to God, and that he is a changed man. He talked about God for a long time, which made me COMFORTABLE for some reason.Then I went into (Virgo) mode and started asking all these questions. ( Sometimes I make myself sick doing this), but I have to get healing from this, I can’t go through life thinking about this another day, month or year. I asked him…. what does HE believe God let him out to do? He told me to “get his family together”. I guess things happened while he was locked up and God told him that he would be the one to get everyone on one accord. He spoke with such humbleness, nothing like he use to be at 17 years old. And in the middle of one of his many conversations……… I knew that he was sorry for what he did to me. I knew it. I felt it. I didn’t need for him to explain to me why he did it, ( he admitted many times to me in the past what he did to me). I didn’t want  him to go in details of how SORRY  he was. I felt instantly in my heart that he was truly Sorry for what he had done. I felt it. I forgave him.

 Today is June 1, 2010, I kept this entry private because I didn’t finish it that night I started it.I was too emotional and wasn’t sure if I should post it. Its been almost 6 months and I havent thought about that night. I just needed to talk to him for myself to see where his head was, and it bought me healing in the mist. He emailed me and told me that he was in Church now, and that he and his wife ( my friend) is doing sooooooooo good. I’m happy to hear that. I’m happy, no matter what he did to me, God is a forgiving God, and he loves us. We have to forgive in order to move on. I have my whole life ahead of me, I want to get married and LOVE AGAIN!!! Lord, Thank You for my healing, and for another Soul coming to you!! I no longer have to hold on to this.

Cree