MY story of FORGIVENESS-RAPE/PART 2/BLOG

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Later on that night he called me and told me how good it was seeing me again, how pretty I still was, and how he told his family that I came to see him. We caught up on a lot of things, and still I couldn’t fix my mouth to ask him the REAL reason why I agreed to talk, not to mention, meet up with him face to face. I made it a point to talk to him several times a day just to get my nerve up to ask him everything I wanted and needed to know.

And that day came.

He was telling me how he was still very angry with the mother of his daughter because when he was in jail, he found out that his daughter was molested and raped by the mother’s boyfriend. And that even though he talked with his daughter over and over about it, she can’t seem to get passed it. That seem to bother him. I’m wondering because he couldn’t do anything about it being locked up, or because HE WAS A RAPIST HIMSELF? Which opened the door for me to walk right in.

I asked him… if he remembered the night he RAPED ME. He told me yes he did, and that he thought about it, and prayed about it over, and over, and over again while in jail. Told me that he was very sorry, he was young, and asked for forgiveness. I told him that I had forgiven him, but there are a lot of questions I wanted to ask . He told me that I could ask him anything I wanted to know.

My first question was… why did you do me like that? Why did you leave me bleeding in my own back yard and walked home afterwards?  His answer was that he was very young ( 19) I was 17. He told me that I use to tease him. I can look/think back on my personality back then and disagree.  I did brag a lot about being a virgin at 17, and not having sex like the other gurls my age. I was proud of having a boyfriend and not being sexually active. He took that as me teasing him, but it was only boasting on myself. I UNDERSTAND  now with a (((young person’s mentality))) how it could have made him feel some kinda way , BUT THAT DID NOT, AND WILL NOT EXCUSE WHAT HE DID TO ME.

As a 48 year old woman. I GET THAT.. even if I don’t agree with it. I get the mentality of a 19 year old man, who was in the presence of his gurlfriend everyday, and for several years never had a chance to touch her. When I asked him how could he leave me bleeding at 1 am in the morning, laying on the ground in my own back yard? His reply was…. “I thought you were on your period.”  Truth was he broke my hymen. I was bleeding heavy. I had to go in the house bloody, and hoped my parents wasn’t awake (( they weren’t)). I was shocked and devastated at what he did to me. We were really close, and saw each other everyday. We were that couple, everyone knew us.

I asked him what else did he remember from that night, it was my way of knowing, if he remembered it, or if I was helping him. What shocked me to the HEART…. was that he remembered EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! And for some strange reason.. it made me feel so GOOD. Still to this day I cannot describe the feeling that I have to know that he did. He went back in his mind and told the story to me just as it happened, just like I had remembered it. He apologized so many times. Told me how he never stopped thinking about me through the years, and how he hoped to see me again.

He began to explain how much he really loved me, and how he wanted me to be his wife and to have his children. When I asked him if he could take back that night, he told me that he hated the fact that he raped me, but he was glad to have been my first. At that point, it really pissed me off to hear him say that, and because he was happy about it. He seemed to feel that he deserved to be my first because we were boyfriend and gurlfriend for several years. I wanted to curse him out and hang up, but I’m much older now and I UNDERSTAND not AGREE… that people have their own truths, and no matter how I FEEL about it, this is HIS story and his feelings.

That night as he threw me on the ground like I was a man, and raped me, I felt my SOUL leave my body. I was in so much pain, that I looked to Heaven for comfort. My dad was calling my name and I couldn’t even answer him. All I could hear in my mind was, “you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore.”  I laid there and cried in my mind but tears ran down my face. After it was over, felt like God sent my soul back to my body, and I was able to get up and walk in my house.

I HATED him after that. After school I use to go see him, I stopped all of that. I was done, he violated me and shut me down. After about 3 weeks, I wanted answers. I went up to his job to ask him why did he do that to me, and all he could say was he wanted me, and then said ”  You were bleeding so much, I thought you were on your period”. That was it, I never wanted to see him again.

Part 3 Tomorrow!

I AM La’Crease (( I don’t have to do anything else))

crester

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