SO, I was watching Oprah’s Life Class 4/16/2012 on my computer and TV at the same time on Monday *so that I wouldn’t miss the behind the scenes segments during commercials*. The topic mainly were about Forgiveness.
As I was watching TD Jakes speak, I was going through my mind and came to the conclusion that I had forgiven everyone. But the more he spoke, I KEPT feeling a tug in my heart. And after about 4 good tugs, I asked God have I forgiven everyone? Why am I feeling some kinda way? He said No. My eyes bucked…..cause I was kinda shock, but I kept on thinking well WHO COULD IT BE LORD? Then I thought about this one person who I know for a fact that I AM STILL ANGRY with to this day.
Now, I’m the kind of person who has LOVE for everyone, once you cross me….. I will speak to you and even chat with you if I see you somewhere on the streets. But you will NEVER be apart of my space… which I keep PEACEFUL AND DRAMA FREE.
Once God told me that it was someone I hadn’t forgiven… I had to go deep into my heart and remember who this person was. It was LAMAR. *SIGH* of the thought of even bringing this up. But I want others to see that no matter how you LOVE , there could still be “holes” in your heart where you may not have forgiven someone. I’m known for burying things in my heart and never bringing them to surface again… but God has a way bringing issues back to ME.. and in the process helping me to deal/cope with them. And for that I LOVE him.
I met Lamar through his mom, who worked with me for years at an elementary school at the time. I told her about a vacancy across from me and they both moved in. He was then in his 30’s and I was in my late 20’s. He was my first gay friend and he was not only SO FUNNY, he had the prettiest and whitest teeth ever on a man. Back then I was partying 2-3 times a week * from 5 times a week* and as winter came in, we would take turns playing cards, drinking and talking junk in each other apartments. When Lamar drank….man he was no one you wanted to be around. He use to cry, curse you out, talk crazy junk,wouldn’t go home, bring up stuff from the past…. He was a handful, and as always the next day he would knock on my door saying this *Walker, I’m sorry about last night*… and as surely as I was a forgiven person…. I would take back his friendship. * lots of thoughts come to my mind as I remember those days*.
I met MY BEST FRIEND Charlene at a summer job 23 years ago. We hit it off instantly. We would talk on the phone day in and day out. She was going through her thing with her kids dad, and SO WAS I. We had a lot of hard times together as far as the trials that went on with our kids father. We were dead broke at times, had to borrow from each other to stay afloat. I remember in the winter time, we would meet at the corner of our block and walk together to the grocery store to get food. We use to get our hair done by the same person, we were some bus catching sisters. We always DID what we had to do!!! We never waited around for anybody, we put 2 and 2 together and we made it happen.
What I LOVED about my BFF was that she LOVED the LORD….and so did I. We did our thing as far as drank and had lots of friends over in our days of hanging, but we always read our Bibles together and studied over the phone. Before I met her, she told me that she was IN LOVE with this guy she had met, who lived near her when she was about *13 or 14.. she’s 41 now*. They had both felt the same way about each other. Even though they were way to young to talk about Marriage, they KNEW they were meant for each other. As time went on, she found someone and had 2 children, he had got into some trouble, and was sent away for a while. But they always talked over the phone and wrote letters to each other. All of her out coming and in coming mail to him read like this: Mrs. Charlene Hayes. She would read some of his letters to me over the phone, I was so happy that she was happy.
I remember she would tell me that the older she got the less she wanted to give him all these kids he wanted. He wanted a boy really bad, and she wanted a girl. She already had 2 boys the youngest being 9, and so they AGREED TO HAVE ONE CHILD…. it could be a boy for him or a gurl for her. WE would talk about this all the time like giggly gurls. I couldn’t wait to meet him…. this guy my Best Friend LOVED dearly and wanted to marry and share the rest of her life with. She would always PRAY and tell God exactly what she wanted in her marriage , how it would be done, where they would live, how they would live and IT HAPPENED JUST AS SHE HAD PRAYED AND ASKED GOD. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
As time went on I introduced Lamar to my Best Friend Charlene, who lived directly around the corner from us. Lamar started going around to her house hanging out a lot. I wasn’t jealous or mad about their friendship at all, because I knew who was #1… ME!!! LOL My life style was different than Char’s. I loved to go out and be the life of the party in the spotlight, she never not once went out. She was a homebody family gurl , who loved to cook, entertain, and drink her beer. So, it was cool that Lamar and Char met, for some reason I thought it was a good idea that way….. I could be around my friends who loved to do the things I did.
One day me and Char was talking about how her Mom and my Dad were so much alike, and how our lives were growing up. She shared this with Lamar another time, and then he bought it up to me when we were alone. I was shocked that he knew so much, but then again, they had gotten close so it made sense. Well, HE WENT back and told her about the conversation me and HIM had, and added that I was talking negative about her mother. I WAS SO MAD AND SO ANGRY THAT HE LIED ON ME, that me and her got into a heated argument and decided NOT to be friends anymore. Oh, I HATED him for lying on me. I HATED HIM IN MY SOUL DEEP DOWN….. I HATED HIM WITH MY MIND. I HATED HIM DEARLY because…. HE LIED ON ME….and I felt she believed him.
I remember being so ANGRY and UPSET about how he lied on me, just so that he can make sure that I was out of the picture and he stayed… that God began to talk to me, because he knew I was so upset. He said to me and I will NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER forget. He said La’Crease Let it go. He said when you and Charlene come back together, you and her are going to be SO CLOSE, that no one will EVER break you and her apart again. He said TRUST ME. I have to fan myself thinking back on the day he told me this. Every time I wanted to talk to my friend Char and couldn’t get up the nerve to call her, I thought about what God told me….. and it made me feel better. I believed him, and his words comforted me……all 6 years we didn’t speak.
When I found out that he was home, working, and were already planning to buy their first home together. I was VERY UPSET in my mind because I wanted to meet this guy who my BFF raved about. I wanted to build my own friendship with him because I had known so much about him through her. I wanted to share in her joy. I wanted to be there for her Mentality and Spiritually. But since Lamar LIED on me, that wasn’t going to happen. I was stubborn and she was too.
She flew her wedding party to VEGAS and got MARRIED. OH MY GAWD…. I thought I was going to DIE when I heard that news. I was so ANGRY. HOW could all this happen without ME? This is something we talked about for years and years. Way before Lamar was in the picture, and way before he came home. Then…….. my BFF got pregnant and GOD BLESSED THEM WITH A SET OF TWINS…. A BOY FOR HIM AND A GURL FOR HER!!!!! It happened just as she asked God. Their son is named after her HUSBAND… and Tyra Charlene, after Tyra Banks. Not once did her and I talk on the phone during these times. I was suppose to be her Maid of Honor at her Wedding, and also her KIDS GOD MOTHER. OMG thinking about it, JUST DOES SOMETHING TO ME. I’m still ANGRY about it. I thought once I DISSED LAMAR FOR GOOD for what he did… that I would be okay with how I felt about him.
I moved out of the apartment building after 4 years…. and never looked back. I had lost my BFF and with God there is no telling when me and her were going to speak again. I had to TRUST and BELIEVE his word to me about our FRIENDSHIP being CLOSER THAN EVER, and just waiting on that time to come was the hardest part.
At this time in my life, I had started going to Church every Sunday for a whole year I didn’t miss NOT ONE SUNDAY. I was so close to God, seems like we were joined at the hip. I stop partying, and drinking and going out unless it was a special occasion. I had went through some SERIOUS things in my relationship with a boyfriend that turned me completely to God. I missed my BFF and I was at a place of PEACE in my life, so I picked up the phone and called her. She was so happy to hear from me. We had so many things to talk about and catch up on. I was happy. And even though we were talking again….. things were different. 😦
I had to get to know her all over again. She was married….. a DIFFERENT PERSON NOW….. had 2 children that I had never met. I was suppose to be their God Mother. How could 2 people be so close at one time, and not know one thing about them years later? That alone DEVASTATED ME. So, I kinda drifted apart, getting my own house in order. I was about to get engaged at one point, things didn’t work out, she knew none of that. We talked a few times a week, nothing too serious.. Lamar was still her friend, but they weren’t as close as they were before she got married.
After moving into my first house ( no apartment).. things were going good for me. I cleaned HOUSE SHO NUFF on my friendships, I wasn’t turning back. I desired to keep in touch with Charlene again on the regular. So what….. I had to get to know her all over again, I knew what God told me and wanted my friend back. We started talking everyday. I went to meet her husband and twins for the first time. I was happy. He was happy to meet me because he had heard so much about me, and he’s a Virgo just like me. LOL Char calls him La’Crease Walker, and calls me by his name….because she says we are so much alike we make her sick!! LOL * in a good way*. She says if she hadn’t known me.. she would never had ever gotten along with him because she just couldn’t understand the way we think. LOL
TODAY we are SO CLOSE…. SO CLOSE. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO CLOSE THAT GOD DIDNT TELL ME ALL OF THIS. He didn’t tell me it was going to be THIS WAY. I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND!!! LOL We are so Spiritually Connected its crazy. God can give me a word about moving to Atlanta…. she will text me and say this…. my husband wants me to move South… but I don’t want to leave my mother. THAT WAS MY ISSUE. And I would CALL HER and we would crack up how God has us on the same page ALL THE TIME. Every morning she text me a Scripture or something God gave her, and it will line up with something HE ALREADY TOLD ME the day before. We are so CLOSE and I Thank God for her, she is SO WISE AND SO SMART, AND SO FULL OF COMPASSION….YOU CAN TELL GOD LOVES HER DEARLY.
One morning, I had this dream about Lamar. I was NOT his friend at all, but it made me call Char and tell her about it. It was weird. She told me that she was done with him and that the dream was whatever. So, soon after that I had another dream about him…. and I called her and told her about it again. She told me that the last time she spoke with him was last year when he wanted to take her to see Janet Jackson, but she was so over him and his drama, she told him No…. Thanks, and to Be Blessed. She got a new number and never spoke to him again. Those were her last words to him. About 3 weeks ago, God woke her up and lead her to this web site where you can find someone. He had been on her mind a lot lately, since they lost comtact. She had never been to this site before or even knew it existed. She typed in Lamar’s name and found out that he had been dead since LAST JULY. She called ME DEVASTATED.
I knew it was a reason why I kept dreaming about him. I didn’t like to talk about him… at all PERIOD..but I did TELL HER… plus I wondered what happened to him. He has no family members here in Detroit, but Char found his mother’s phone number and called her. It was really sad how he died. My friend was really sad about it… and if it was my friendship with him.. I would be sad too. I feel bad tho about how numb I feel about him. I was so angry with him back then , that I have no reaction. Of course its terrible, and I feel bad about him dying, but through the years I learned to NUMB myself about anything concerning him. So when she calls me and want to talk about him, my insides flips. I love my BFF and he was both our friend at one time, but this is one of those things where I have to deal with my OWN ISSUES CONCERNING HIM. We had a lot of fun together, and even though he LIED on me, and I was able to move on by burying the thought of him in my mind. I’m faced to deal with the FORGIVENESS of someone who isn’t even here anymore. Hadn’t I saw Oprah’s Life Class, I would have never REALIZED that I was carrying this years too long.
I missed MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING * they celebrated 15 years last month*, I missed the BIRTH OF MY GOD CHILDREN TYRA AND TONY * they are 13 now*….. I missed her BABY SHOWER…. HER PREGNANCY, the move in of their new HOME….all while HE *Lamar* WAS THERE …… I MISSED A LOT and I don’t know how to *grieve* with her. I don’t know how to pretend this is a topic I want to hear. I don’t know how to respond because I don’t want to hear about. BUT… God is so good, and he is always with me….. I have learned to LISTEN…..and the more I LISTEN to her talk about her friend…. I find things that I did loved about Lamar. And since I’m not a FAKE PERSON….. I can be real and LISTEN to her at the same time.
Watching Oprah’s Life Class last week, made God nudge me and let me know that I hadn’t FORGIVEN someone….. and that person is LAMAR. Even still to this day….. I chose to ignore everything about him. I should feel sad….but I feel numb. All of my FRIENDS know Lamar….. but I haven’t told ONE PERSON … about his death. Because I chose to ignore everything about him. I know I am wrong. But I just don’t want to talk about him.
I’m happy that me and my BFF are BETTER BEST FRIENDS THAN GOD COULD HAVE EVER TOLD ME….. but still in my heart….. I miss Lamar too. Maybe its time I take a moment each day and think about the good times I had with him * WE had a LOT*…. instead of choosing to ignore he ever existed.
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy