How I Gained Back My Self Esteem/ PART 2/BLOG

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I was 24 years old (( 6 years in)) when I FINALLY came to my MIND. When I started talking to God about what I was going through. I thought that I would never get over my daughters father. The more sex I had with him, the more I loved him. That’s when I found out that SEX was the soul-tie that kept my mind on this man. The first thing I learned I had to do was, stop the sex. It was so hard. So so so very hard. Every time I saw him, we were a magnet and I had to give it to him. I knew if I could just stop the sex then I would be able to get over him. Sad thing about it,  I knew in my heart that he had to do something terrible to me, to turn me off from him, and that would be how I would be able to walk away. Its a shame that in order for me to get over this man, something bad had to happen. We never fought EVER, so I knew it wouldn’t be that, but it was something, and  when it happened…..I knew then that I had to let him go.

I started reading my Bible and separating myself from my friends to be more in tuned with God. I started reading how much God loved me no matter what I did. In my mind he was in charge of my LIFE. He was the man I had to please, and that’s when I started learning my worth. I was never a person who compared myself to other women, because it was clear to me that GOD MADE EVERYONE DIFFERENT. I enjoyed and loved the fact that I WAS THE ONLY ONE MADE LIKE ME. You can say, I favor this person or that person, but I was the ONLY LACREASE GOD MADE…and that made me HAPPY. So that alone made me NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want or desire to be like anyone else,  because I KNEW.. that God loved me enough to make ONLY ONE of me, and I love ME.

Then, I had to learn and write down all the things God Blessed me with. I had to read it daily. I had to learn my worth all over again. I had to know it without a doubt. I had to live it. I had to think it, I had to see it ON ME. And here is what I started with.

NOW THIS IS MYYYYYYYYYY LIST…. you make your own list. Remember we are all different.

  • I grew up with both parents in the home, and they helped me with everything I needed.
  • I  got my  first apartment me and my daughter, and a job.
  • I was funny, loved people, loved to laugh and pretty
  • I had a beautiful shape, and wore clothes to compliment my body (( never disrespectful))
  • Had lots of friends and loved the Lord

One of the biggest conclusions IN MY LIFE that God helped me come to was that MEN wanted SEX. What I ( women)  have the men want !!! I had to learn the POWER in it. I learned it was OK to keep it to myself…. its mine. We women don’t have to give it away. Its so much POWER in the vagina. Its not to be shared with everyone. Its yours and all the boys want it. No! No! No! Learn this TODAY! You do NOT have to  give up your vagina.

Fast forward to today. I spend time with myself learning myself daily. Learning my wants/needs and don’t need. Learning things I will NOT ACCEPT. For example.. Married Men.

I met this guy at my job, he comes in often and he calls me “Momma cool”… why I dunno. This man is soooooo fine to me. He’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to him. He’s my type of man IF he wasn’t married. Now, I will NEVER EVER talk, meet, or see this man outside of my job. I will not engage in any conversation with a him or any married man, unless its work related, or God. That’s apart of building my self esteem. KNOWING WHO I AM. My self esteem stays ON 100 because I will not engage in anything not healthy for me and will disappoint God, especially when I know better.When you start crossing lines and doing things out of YOUR CHARACTER, that’s when your self esteem start going DOWN DOWN DOWN. Depression sets in, suicide, doubt , fear all that stuff starts to creep in. Cut off any thing that YOU KNOW is not good for you, because if you don’t you’ll find yourself in trouble. Stay inside of your worth!!! Married MEN ARE OFF LIMITS.. PERIOD! Once you exchange phone numbers….. THAT’S IT!

Take trips. Go to the park alone to spend time with God. Clear your mind. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.. MAKE IT HAPPEN! Go to lunch alone, you dont have to take the kids all the time. Think about yourself. Whats your favorite desert? Go to Dairy Queen alone. Stop feeling guilty because you didn’t take the kids this time.. ITS OKAY. I promise you. Go to Bath and Body Works and buy not one but 4 different scents of lotions, its OKAY. Learn what you like and will  buy the next time you visit. I will book a hotel an hour away from me in a minute! Book a room for the weekend. Have someone to watch the kids… Go alone, make plans to do things while you’re there.

Listen… I will jump in my car and go to the park and sit for hours in the sun enjoying myself. I may have music or I talk to God. I use to be “scared” to go to dinner alone, because I always took my daughter or a friend… YEAH OKAY… I WILL hop in the car and go sit my but down alone so fast. I love getting to know myself. I love me. God made me and there is no one else like ME, and guess what… JUST AS I LEARNED THIS ABOUT ME…. YOU CAN TOO!!! Be your own “to do list”…. life is not about having Sex all the time, sitting on the porch watching cars ride by, going neighbor to neighbor needing someone to go shopping with you. Get to learn yourself, know what you will and will NOT ACCEPT from a friendship, or relationship. Do YOUR own thang in your spare time, and treat yourself. ITS OKAY!!!

Be Blessed!

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How I Lost And Gained Back My SELF ESTEEM/BLOG/PART 1 OF 2

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When I think about my purpose in life sometimes, all I can think of is that I’m suppose to be helping other women. I say that because no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, women always talk to me, and its usually about their issues with themselves, men, and getting over past hurt.

I can remember so clearly many things I’ve been through, and I’m so happy that I don’t hold grudges at all. Maybe that’s why I can help others because I’ve moved on from so many things, and it just doesn’t bother me anymore. I can talk about it and help others at the same time.

With social media being so popular these days women often compare themselves to others, and that is a NO NO. They look at other women and what they have in a man, and how their body is shaped and they care so much in how to please a man, that they lose themselves. Sex these days is  to show off their sexual skills, and to be one of the first to do things differently to a man to make him feel good. Why are women doing this? Listen, when you start a job, you are a temp. You have to get past 90 days to impress your boss and even more days at some jobs to get benefits. Why are women giving these trial men benefits? What have they done to deserve all of that?  A woman will let a man come and stay with her and her kids after knowing him a month. But a man  will not even think about letting a woman come stay with him. Some of these men just wake up in the morning, and their is a women to do everything for him on that day. He won’t have to do a thing but breathe, and have sex with her. A woman who has no kids at him, living single, will NEVER let a man come stay with her. She loves and enjoys her freedom. He’ll have to have his own thing going on.

Some women are afraid to lose a man,  especially if she feels she doesn’t have a “grip” on him.  Sometimes women feel that if they don’t make happy the man they like, he’ll get away. This is why they’re settling for the man who show  the most attention. Who wants to stay with a man who cheats? Why do women give these men so many chances? Don’t they know that if a woman cheat on her man, and he finds out about it, he will DISS HER IN A NEW YORK MINUTE? Men don’t play that? They cannot stand the thought of another man up in their woman. No way! Women with low self esteem are the ones who give chance after chance, after chance after chance. They’re so afraid of being alone and not ever finding the right man, they will settle for a temporary until better comes along.

In the next blog entry, I will share my story of how I got my self esteem BACK!

Next Part 2.. How I built my self esteem up

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Learning your kids PERSONALITY!/BLOG

PRETTYNES

When my daughter was a young gurl, I use to always scream like most parents when they lose it. But after a short while, I realize that she was JUST LIKE ME, she didn’t require screaming. She required that “come here, let me look you in the eye” kinda speech. Screaming made me nervous as it does most kids. It made me cry, and to this day…. I will NEVER tolerate A N Y  O N E screaming at me, if you can’t talk to me in a pleasant tone of voice, then WE’RE DONE!!!. I don’t play that, at all.. PERIOD!

I found out with kids, you HAVE to learn their personality. That’s part of being a parent. Every child is different, and based off how they take things, and how they receive, you have to parent based upon that. When my daughter got home from school. She would speak and go straight to her room. But me as a parent made sure, I called her down to my face and I asked her how was your day? She’s just like me, so you’ll only get what you ask for, you have to ask her specifics… WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY? LOL If I’m talking to her over the phone, that’s even worst, Again, its something I learned about her. So, I found out that if I want to know about the mercury scare she had in high school (( real life)). I have to ask her, what floor was it on? Where we’re you? Did you exit out of the front door, side or back door? Was anybody hurt? We’re you scared? What was your thoughts? Do you feel staff handled it properly? This series of questions gets her talking, and she’ll feel compel to share more of what happened once she see’s how it interest me. I had to learn that about her. The point I’m making in all of this is, you have to ask your kids questions. If you don’t they will go to their rooms, hop on their phones and BLOCK YOU OUT OF THEIR WORLD. As they get older, you’ll KNOW NOTHING! Start early, so they know that you’re that kinda parent that ask questions.

Kids already look at us as “OLD” so in order to keep up with them, we have to go to “their world”, we have to learn a few songs of their generations, we have go to see “their” movies, we have to meet their friends, and build our own relationship with them. We have to take them on family trips… out of town. They will remember this when they’re older. Kids take money and time. You want to know you did your best, so that when they’re grown, you won’t have to worry about them taking care of themselves.

Be Blessed!

My time in ATLANTA/BLOG

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Hey Family

Im home from my trip to Atlanta. If you know me, you know I love Atlanta. I went for my daughter’s family reunion when I was 23 or 24 (( now 49))  and I fell in LOVE. I always said that I wanted to move there. Me and my cousin both kept saying it. This was during the time of the freak nik. When the college kids and others drove to Atlanta and had weekend parties. I remember that year having so much fun, that I came home told my 3 BFF’s about it, and we planned a trip on the spot and went 2 months later. In that trip we took my cousin and she stayed NEVER EVER to return. I hate I didn’t get a chance to see her this weekend when I went to their hotel for a moment.

I lOOOOOOVE to drive, so me and my daughter rented a truck, packed up and we hit I-75 straight to Atlanta. We left at 2:30 am, got there at 4:00 pm. We ran into a accident involving 2 trucks. We didn’t see the accident because it was raining, but so happens when the traffic stopped we were the 3rd car behind it. Funny thing… well not so funny, is that it really wasn’t an accident, the truck slid and to keep from going over, somehow the driver made his truck go side ways and BLOCKED OFF ALL LANES TO GET PASS!!! So we waited an hour and a half PLUS for crews to get there and move the truck out of the way. So that took us a wait.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.. We made reservations to stay at one of my favorite places in Sandy Springs. I made reservations back in Feb, but had to cancel that date on June 12, because we were arriving one day later. I changed it, and that was final.

We  made it to Atlanta at 3:30 and on the reservation it said that if you are going to be later than 4 please call the hotel directly and tell the desk clerk. Well my daughter made the call and told her we would be there at 4. Before my daughter could get a word out, the lady said.. “we’re sold out”, and I didn’t see your name on guest list. My daughter knew I was going to be MAD! So she said momma talk to this lady she said we are not on the guest list. So, I grabbed the phone and said Hello, ((( in a low calm voice))) we made reservations in this hotel and I dont understand why you dont see my name in your system, when I have my EMAIL CONFIRMATION RIGHT HERE, AND THE DATE FOR TODAY. I can hear lies in her voice, and right now as I was driving, I’m PISSED…. I’m so mad, I’m about to cry because I drove straight for 12 plus hours and she’s telling me that she doesn’t see my reservation in her system when I clearly see it in my email. Then she says.. well you can call around to our other property to see if they have some available. That’s when my daughter said “why should we have to call around this is your fault?” I told her you know what? IM ON MY WAY! I was DONE  talking over the phone. I wanted to look her in her eyes.

We arrived at 4:00 on the dot!! Before I went in.. God had a pep talk with me because HE KNOW.. I will tear the place DOWN with my bare hands. I always try to have patience with people, before I nut up.

We walked in and she ALREADY KNOW its ME. MY face was twisted and I’m looking at her name badge.  She was on the phone with another property manager trying to get us a room over there. When I’m talking business, I always speak in a low, to the point, voice, with EYE CONTACT THAT WILL make a MAN nervous. I found out that for black people, folks (( blacks and white)) LOVE to say, she had an attitude, she harassed me, her voice was intimidating, she scared me, she cursed me out, she was yelling at me, so I had to learn how to speak when I’m angry, in order to get to the bottom of a situation. She kept saying that I wasn’t in her system, so when I showed her my reservation she looked at it and said.. “OH it says June 12, that was yesterday.. I SAID LOOK AT IT AGAIN.. IT SAYS JULY 12.. NOT JUNE! She looked at it again and said.. Oh. Which even pissed me off even more, because she TRIED to find fault in me, when she knew she was the one at fault.  She held on while the property manager at the other place wanted to speak to me. She gave me the phone and I told him upfront… LISTEN.. I dont live raggedy at home, and I’m not here in Atlanta to sleep in any ole neighborhood and hotel. He said okay maam, this place is not as nice as the one you’re at, but it is CLEAN.. and I do have a room for you. WE left, and went over to his property. When we saw that out house looking place I wanted to drag him in that back office and lock him in the building for 50 days, no water no food!!!! He knew by our conversations and the way We presented ourselves that We wasn’t going to stay in some renkedink hotel. NEVA!!!!  RAGGEDY!!!! I was pissed! 😡😡

Long story short (( cause I’m getting mad all over again)). WE left there and went to 3 hotels before we found one NOT sold out!! Anddddddd after sharing my story we got upgraded to a Suite for FREE. I was just sharing with the front desk clerk because I was frustrated, not even throwing hints for anything. It was deep into the 14th hour of driving and I was tired.

The next day… YOU KNOW THIS VIRGO jumped on the phone and called her manager about what happened…. he seemed to be her friend and asked me, was I going to be there the following week , he would have a room for me.. GTFOH! IM DONE WITH YALL!

But over all, we HAD A GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TIME! YES WE DID!

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Deep Conversations/BLOG

Hey family!

You know if you keep on living you will learn so many life lessons. I have learned a lot, and even if I don’t speak on it, I have. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself for not seeing friendships that was not meant to be, even through the warnings. Ah, the warnings.. SMH. But that is years behind me and again, keep on living and you will learn a thing or two. I’m good!

This week, I was having deep DEEP DeEp conversations with my cousins who are all Sisters about my uncle (( their dad))) who passed away many years ago. He was my dad’s best friend and as we were growing up, even though their mom and my uncle was divorced, me and my sister  would go over to their house and spend nights with them. I loved them and looked up to them, because they are all so pretty, came from a good family, and loved being around us. But all of that time as a young gurl, I thought that they were seeing their dad often, because I did. I was young, so of course I didn’t know anything about bickering ex’s, kids, child support and all of that. I remember my youngest cousin of the sisters (( she’s older than me)) use to always ask me have I seen her dad, and my answer would be yes. I would tell her when he came over, and things like that. She would be so excited to hear my stories. I grew up with both of my parents in the home, so I didn’t know why she was so into asking me questions, but now I know that she was missing her dad. But I always thought they saw him as often as I did.

We were having a deep conversation about it, and come to find out they didn’t see him that often. That sadden me, and told me that things weren’t as it seem when I was growing up. How is it that I’m seeing their dad more than they were? When we talked about it, it made ME feel some kinda way. I learned something so deep. They felt that he didn’t love them the way he should have.  And I know he loved them, but I don’t know how they didn’t feel it. Well, I understand their views. I was shocked. And the funny thing is, these sisters are just like mines, WE ARE VERY VERY STRONG WOMEN, with strong opinions, and personalities . Get all 6 of us together on a topic we split on, and its on and poppin. LOL

Back in the day grown folks business was grown folk business. I told them, that whenever he came over, we went to our rooms, or went outside to play. Even though I saw him with my dad, I didn’t know their business or what they talked about. They felt that just because I saw him, I knew things. I didn’t. I was a young gurl myself. It made me feel some kinda way, because they are all grown women and even though 2 of them haven’t completely healed from the hurt, the baby did. She found closure and I’m happy.

Here is the biggest thing. Even though their mom and dad had a bad divorce, and he may not have been the best dad, he was THE BOMB GRANDDAD TO THEIR KIDS. OMG HE HAD THOSE KIDS EVERY WEEKEND. He loved his grandkids, and even though they are grown, today they still feel the effects of his death.

Now, what my baby cousin was saying (( she’s older than me)) is that God spoke to her concerning the healing and closure that she needed. My grandmother was a young mother who had 7 kids, she wanted to work and be in the streets leaving my uncles and aunts with their dad, and her mother. The brothers were bitter about that, maybe grew up and not know how to be close to their kids, not knowing how to communicate or whatever skills they lacked from not having their mother around. My cousin get that, she doesn’t excuse it, but she feels that with the tools he had, he did the best he knew how. My two other cousins feel that he should have done better and knew better. and to make matters worst, he had a girlfriend before he died who was also very close to their kids, who didn’t offer or give them anything of their dads when he passed away. She had everything. I asked my cousin why didn’t she ask her, she felt that it should have been offered.. NOT HER ASKING. Wow I felt differently about that, but then again I cant say because this is not my story and it didn’t happen to me. I would have asked and listened to her say NO, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, so that later on in life she would feel guilty of holding on to all those things she had of his and not have the man… not to mention he was a Atheist. She’ll never hold or see him again.

In the end, we love each other, and I hope that my two cousins find closure. One said sorry she just isn’t there yet, and I got that. One thing I learned is that things arent always what they seem. You think people are happy and have everything under control, but in REAL LIFE its not that way. I felt my uncle loved them, but he didn’t know how to express love when he didn’t get it from his mom. For me, it made my dad love his family and made sure that we were close, didn’t fist fight each other, and to be there for each other no matter what. Two brothers lived in the same house, grew up and saw things differently. I know in my heart he loved them, I just wish they knew it.

 

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