Looking Back On My Younger Self/BLOG

Image result for younger me


Good Sunday Morning Family!

I finally had some good rest last night. I found out Black Panther was on Netflix so
I watched that for the 50th time. Took a nap, woke up, made me 2 Bologna sandwiches for dinner. I was planning to make spaghetti, but I just didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I didn’t with all that sleep I was getting. Not to mention I still haven’t finished the Bobby Brown story. I tried to watch it at least 7 times days before, I just couldn’t get into it. I’m off tonight so I guess I’ll finish it.

Every now and then I love to look back on my younger days and think about things that I would have done differently, or to ask myself why did I do things that way. As I look back on my pregnancy, I wish I had been kinder to my daughters father. I was so mean to him about any and everything. I was angry that he had gotten himself a car, and was working a lot and couldn’t spend more time with me.  Looking back, it wasn’t all that serious for the things I was mad at him for.

I can’t help but wonder why I was so angry? I was so mean to him that my parents use to say, you’re going to run him away. But looking back on it, I was angry at my past situation. I was angry because when I was 17 I was raped by my ex boyfriend. I wasn’t ready for sex at all. Wasn’t even thinking about it and my ex boyfriend knew that.

I met my daughters father just after my 18th birthday. Looking back I see that I carried that hurt and pain  of being raped into my new relationship. I kept it a secret, and never told anyone. I didn’t know that my pain was the reason why I was so mean to my new boyfriend and to the people in my life. I was mean to everybody. Even though I wasn’t ready to have sex, I had it with my new boyfriend because I didn’t want my ex to be the last person in me. (((((Wow, that was hard to write.)))) But it was my thought process back then. About 4 months later or sooner, I got pregnant.

I’m so glad that I got to deal with that rape and got to ask the man who raped me, questions that I always wanted answered. He answered them all. Here is that story if you want to go back and read it.

Part 1 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-1blog/

Part 2 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-2blog/

Part 3 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/08/my-story-of-forgiveness-rape-3blog/



Looking back on your younger self can help you understand why you do the things you do.  Why you react the way you do. Why you think the way you do. Why you feel the way you feel. Looking back has helped me dearly to be able to live a better life.

Today, look back on your life and ask your younger self, how can I be better today than I was “yesterday”.

*Vampire Kiss*



Later on that night he called me and told me how good it was seeing me again, how pretty I still was, and how he told his family that I came to see him. We caught up on a lot of things, and still I couldn’t fix my mouth to ask him the REAL reason why I agreed to talk, not to mention, meet up with him face to face. I made it a point to talk to him several times a day just to get my nerve up to ask him everything I wanted and needed to know.

And that day came.

He was telling me how he was still very angry with the mother of his daughter because when he was in jail, he found out that his daughter was molested and raped by the mother’s boyfriend. And that even though he talked with his daughter over and over about it, she can’t seem to get passed it. That seem to bother him. I’m wondering because he couldn’t do anything about it being locked up, or because HE WAS A RAPIST HIMSELF? Which opened the door for me to walk right in.

I asked him… if he remembered the night he RAPED ME. He told me yes he did, and that he thought about it, and prayed about it over, and over, and over again while in jail. Told me that he was very sorry, he was young, and asked for forgiveness. I told him that I had forgiven him, but there are a lot of questions I wanted to ask . He told me that I could ask him anything I wanted to know.

My first question was… why did you do me like that? Why did you leave me bleeding in my own back yard and walked home afterwards?  His answer was that he was very young ( 19) I was 17. He told me that I use to tease him. I can look/think back on my personality back then and disagree.  I did brag a lot about being a virgin at 17, and not having sex like the other gurls my age. I was proud of having a boyfriend and not being sexually active. He took that as me teasing him, but it was only boasting on myself. I UNDERSTAND  now with a (((young person’s mentality))) how it could have made him feel some kinda way , BUT THAT DID NOT, AND WILL NOT EXCUSE WHAT HE DID TO ME.

As a 48 year old woman. I GET THAT.. even if I don’t agree with it. I get the mentality of a 19 year old man, who was in the presence of his gurlfriend everyday, and for several years never had a chance to touch her. When I asked him how could he leave me bleeding at 1 am in the morning, laying on the ground in my own back yard? His reply was…. “I thought you were on your period.”  Truth was he broke my hymen. I was bleeding heavy. I had to go in the house bloody, and hoped my parents wasn’t awake (( they weren’t)). I was shocked and devastated at what he did to me. We were really close, and saw each other everyday. We were that couple, everyone knew us.

I asked him what else did he remember from that night, it was my way of knowing, if he remembered it, or if I was helping him. What shocked me to the HEART…. was that he remembered EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! And for some strange reason.. it made me feel so GOOD. Still to this day I cannot describe the feeling that I have to know that he did. He went back in his mind and told the story to me just as it happened, just like I had remembered it. He apologized so many times. Told me how he never stopped thinking about me through the years, and how he hoped to see me again.

He began to explain how much he really loved me, and how he wanted me to be his wife and to have his children. When I asked him if he could take back that night, he told me that he hated the fact that he raped me, but he was glad to have been my first. At that point, it really pissed me off to hear him say that, and because he was happy about it. He seemed to feel that he deserved to be my first because we were boyfriend and gurlfriend for several years. I wanted to curse him out and hang up, but I’m much older now and I UNDERSTAND not AGREE… that people have their own truths, and no matter how I FEEL about it, this is HIS story and his feelings.

That night as he threw me on the ground like I was a man, and raped me, I felt my SOUL leave my body. I was in so much pain, that I looked to Heaven for comfort. My dad was calling my name and I couldn’t even answer him. All I could hear in my mind was, “you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore.”  I laid there and cried in my mind but tears ran down my face. After it was over, felt like God sent my soul back to my body, and I was able to get up and walk in my house.

I HATED him after that. After school I use to go see him, I stopped all of that. I was done, he violated me and shut me down. After about 3 weeks, I wanted answers. I went up to his job to ask him why did he do that to me, and all he could say was he wanted me, and then said ”  You were bleeding so much, I thought you were on your period”. That was it, I never wanted to see him again.

Part 3 Tomorrow!

I AM La’Crease (( I don’t have to do anything else))


A Phone Call I Had To Make/ BLOG


Last Monday I called my daughter’s dad and told him how much I loved the fact that he and Neisha are so  close. He has 2 kids, Neisha the oldest, and a son 15, by his now separated wife. I never thought a day would exist to see them as close as they are. She loves that man, and he loves her. They are BEST FRIENDS. She told me that she has 2 Best Friends as her parents.

 I’m so happy about the amount of time they spend together, they go out of town together, they go to dinner and lunch all the time, he even goes to her job just to take her lunch. I told her that when she was younger and we’d get into it, he had to have prayed to God that one day he wouldn’t have to communicate with me in order to be close to her. LOL LOL That when she was old enough, he could build his own relationship with her. And that’s exactly what happened. He told me that he loved me and that he is so proud of the way that I raised her. I told him I loved him too, and that I was so happy that he is the Father of my only child.

One thing that’s for sure, and we both tell her all the time. Whatever you do.. make sure you marry a decent man who loves and respect you. A man who doesn’t fight, or mental abuse you, because you know your dad loves you with everything in him, and he will NOT tolerate anything less.


I wrote this to say… sometimes you have to make a phone call to those who are important, to tell them how you love and appreciate them. Things change, and people change. If anything ever happen to me or him, we both know that we LOVE each other and that whatever happened in the past between us is over and done with.

Thank you Jesus for LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. 🙂

I AM La’Crease

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My Town & Country……..gone Crees Blog Entry

my baby
So, my van was found Thursday afternoon by the Detroit Police Department. I went to see it yesterday the damage was bad, they tore it up.
2002 creasy
When I first bought this van it was so clean it looked brand new. These clowns ripped the second and third row seats out to do their dirty work. My windshield was busted, they hit something and tore off the whole front bumper. The battery was hissing, and front passenger door opens not even half way. The hood wont close, the ignition was tore up and it was so dirty in the inside. The Spirit was gone away from my baby. I LOVED that Town & Country. I prayed and prayed and prayed for years and years and years for God to give me one. And I finally got it. It never gave me any problems, I drove it to Atlanta and back, plus around the city for a year before some GOONS came into my apartment complex and stole it. I’m just so outdone by this. Exactly two days later I got the call I’ve been waiting for… a job at Detroit Public Schools. All I could say at that time is GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS? I’m glad I was honest to them about my situation, so hopefully soon I can come up with something, so that I can start back working. I’ve never had this to happen to me before, its a feeling of being raped. I couldn’t even sit in my van or even touch it. This is just so sad for me.
In my mind, I was making all kinds of “movies” about what I could do to those GOONS. This morning when I woke up, those thoughts were the first thing on my mind. Then I thought to myself… LaCrease you can really be mean. Find a way to get rid of the anger. I am still very upset and angry at these guys. I thought I had forgiven them, until I went to see the damage they did to a van that had NO ISSUES.
Another thing I keep thinking about is this: Job 2:6 6 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”
The reason why I kept thinking about that was because for a year and 9 months, I’ve been catching it, and that Scripture reminds me that everything Job went though.. it had to pass through the DESK OF GOD FOR APPROVAL. God knew everything Job was going through before he went through it… and he passed. This is why no matter what…… I have to stay strong and know my help is on the way.
Be Blessed!
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

I want to meet my Sister…..*tears* Cree’s Blog Entry

my sisterI want to meet my sister so bad ( in above photo)…. She use to live here and I hate that I wasn’t persistent in meeting her when she was here in Detroit. I go to her FB page all the time… we favor so much. We talk on the phone, but we’ve never met.My dad had her before my mom and dad married. But the way her mom and my dad got together was sneaky as far as how their families  connected… and for years after years it was a secret to her and to us. My dad is so stubborn and wont take a blood test to give her/us CLOSURE. She aint missing nothing * with him*… yeah I said it. But me and my siblings want to meet her, and hug her and LOVE HER.
My dad lives one min from me and we haven’t spoken in almost 2 months. I just don’t get that.

My daughter is so mad at him because he’s so stubborn she told him that she’s not going to answer his calls because of the way he treats his daughters. But I have a sister out there who wants to be around him….. * throws hands in the air* SMH FOR WHAT? I’m so happy that I’m not stubborn. That kinda life keeps you in bondage. I’m so happy that me and my daughter are very close. Praise God…. and I will communicate, do flips and all sorts of things to keep it that way. My dad has always been this way, he use to go months and months without talking to his brother when we were coming up and all living at home. I never paid it any attention…. never knowing that one day it would be me. SMH. It pisses me off sooooo soooooooo so bad that he’s like this. How you not talk to your BROTHER FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS … then when your kids get older, you do them the same way. We all grew up in the same house, don’t you long to hear my voice, my laughter, my smile, my silly ness…. don’t you miss that? Wow… Well let me say this….. my dad has done me/us like this all of our lives, and for once in my life….. I’m so over his behavior. Once so much time has passed…. it doesn’t even bother me. He had issues with his mom. she sold him to his dad in court for $1.00 and I think he hasn’t gotten over that. If I didn’t have God in my life so deep….. I would be some where crying and depressed. He was the very one who taught me, my sisters and brother to be close…. and if NOTHINGGGGGGG else come out of this as God chose him to be my dad…. I LOVE MY SIBLINGS.. THANK YOU LORD FOR HANDPICKING THEM FOR ME!

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

Just when I thought I had FORGIVEN Everyone…. Cree’s Blog Entry *OprahLifeClass*

SO, I was watching Oprah’s Life Class 4/16/2012 on my computer and TV at the same time on Monday *so that I wouldn’t miss the behind the scenes segments during commercials*. The topic mainly were about Forgiveness.

As I was watching TD Jakes speak, I was going through my mind and came to the conclusion that I had forgiven everyone. But the more he spoke, I KEPT feeling a tug in my heart. And after about 4 good tugs, I asked God have I forgiven everyone? Why am I feeling some kinda way? He said No. My eyes bucked…..cause I was kinda shock, but I kept on thinking well WHO COULD IT BE LORD? Then I thought about this one person who I know for a fact that I AM STILL ANGRY with to this day.

Now, I’m the kind of person who has LOVE for everyone, once you cross me….. I will speak to you and even chat with you if I see you somewhere on the streets. But you will NEVER be apart of my space… which I keep PEACEFUL AND DRAMA FREE.

Once God told me that it was someone I hadn’t forgiven… I had to go deep into my heart and remember who this person was. It was LAMAR. *SIGH* of the thought of even bringing this up. But I want others to see that no matter how you LOVE , there could still be “holes” in your heart where you may not have forgiven someone. I’m known for burying things in my heart and never bringing them to surface again… but God has a way bringing issues back to ME.. and in the process helping me to deal/cope with them. And for that I LOVE him.

I met Lamar through his mom, who worked with me for years at an elementary school at the time. I told her about a vacancy across from me and they both moved in. He was then in his 30’s and I was in my late 20’s. He was my first gay friend and he was not only SO FUNNY, he had the prettiest and whitest teeth ever on a man. Back then I was partying 2-3 times a week * from 5 times a week* and as winter came in, we would take turns playing cards, drinking and talking junk in each other apartments. When Lamar drank….man he was no one you wanted to be around. He use to cry, curse you out, talk crazy junk,wouldn’t go home, bring up stuff from the past…. He was a handful, and as always the next day he would knock on my door saying this *Walker, I’m sorry about last night*… and as surely as I was a forgiven person…. I would take back his friendship. * lots of thoughts come to my mind as I remember those days*.

I met MY BEST FRIEND Charlene at a summer job 23 years ago. We hit it off instantly. We would talk on the phone day in and day out. She was going through her thing with her kids dad, and SO WAS I. We had a lot of hard times together as far as the trials that went on with our kids father. We were dead broke at times, had to borrow from each other to stay afloat. I remember in the winter time, we would meet at the corner of our block and walk together to the grocery store to get food. We use to get our hair done by the same person, we were some bus catching sisters. We always DID what we had to do!!! We never waited around for anybody, we put 2 and 2 together and we made it happen.

What I LOVED about my BFF was that she LOVED the LORD….and so did I. We did our thing as far as drank and had lots of friends over in our days of hanging, but we always read our Bibles together and studied over the phone. Before I met her, she told me that she was IN LOVE with this guy she had met, who lived near her when she was about *13 or 14.. she’s 41 now*. They had both felt the same way about each other. Even though they were way to young to talk about Marriage, they KNEW they were meant for each other. As time went on, she found someone and had 2 children, he had got into some trouble, and was sent away for a while. But they always talked over the phone and wrote letters to each other. All of her out coming and in coming mail to him read like this: Mrs. Charlene Hayes. She would read some of his letters to me over the phone,  I was so happy that she was happy.

I remember she would tell me that the older she got the less she wanted to give him all these kids he wanted. He wanted a boy really bad, and she wanted a girl. She already had 2 boys the youngest being 9, and so they AGREED TO HAVE ONE CHILD…. it could be a boy for him or a gurl for her. WE would talk about this all the time like giggly gurls. I couldn’t wait to meet him…. this guy my Best Friend LOVED dearly and wanted to marry and share the rest of her life with. She would always PRAY and tell God exactly what she wanted in her marriage , how it would be done, where they would live, how they would live and IT HAPPENED JUST AS SHE HAD PRAYED AND ASKED GOD. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

As time went on I introduced Lamar to my Best Friend Charlene, who lived directly around the corner from us. Lamar started going around to her house hanging out a lot. I wasn’t jealous or mad about their friendship at all, because I knew who was #1… ME!!! LOL My life style was different than Char’s. I loved to go out and be  the  life of the party in the spotlight, she never not once went out. She was a homebody family gurl , who loved to cook, entertain, and drink her beer. So, it was cool that Lamar and Char met, for some reason I thought it was a good idea that way….. I could be around my friends who loved to do the things I did.

One day me and Char was talking about how her Mom and my Dad were so much alike, and how our lives were growing up. She shared this with Lamar another time, and then he bought it up to me when we were alone. I was shocked that he knew so much, but then again, they had gotten close so it made sense. Well, HE WENT back and told her about the conversation me and HIM had, and added that I was talking negative about her mother. I WAS SO MAD AND SO ANGRY THAT HE LIED ON ME, that me and her got into a heated argument and decided NOT to be friends anymore. Oh, I HATED him for lying on me. I HATED HIM IN MY SOUL DEEP DOWN….. I HATED HIM WITH MY MIND. I HATED HIM DEARLY because…. HE LIED ON ME….and I felt she believed him.

I remember being so ANGRY and UPSET about how he lied on me, just so that he can make sure that I was out of the picture and he stayed… that God began to talk to me, because he knew I was so upset. He said to me and I will NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER forget. He said La’Crease Let it go. He said when you and Charlene come back together, you and her are going to be SO CLOSE, that no one will EVER break you and her apart again. He said TRUST ME. I have to fan myself thinking back on the day he told me this. Every time I wanted to talk to my friend Char and couldn’t get up the nerve to call her, I thought about what God told me….. and it made me feel better. I believed him, and his words comforted me……all 6 years we didn’t speak.

When I found out that he was home, working, and were already planning to buy their first home together. I was VERY UPSET in my mind because I wanted to meet this guy who my BFF raved about. I wanted to build my own friendship with him because I had known so much about him through her. I wanted to share in her joy. I wanted to be there for her Mentality and Spiritually. But since Lamar LIED on me, that wasn’t going to happen. I was stubborn and she was too.

She flew her wedding party to VEGAS and got MARRIED. OH MY GAWD…. I thought I was going to DIE when I heard that news. I was so ANGRY. HOW could all this happen without ME? This is something we talked about for years and years. Way before Lamar was in the picture, and way before he came home. Then…….. my BFF got pregnant and GOD BLESSED THEM WITH A SET OF TWINS…. A BOY FOR HIM AND A GURL FOR HER!!!!! It happened just as she asked God. Their son is named after her HUSBAND… and Tyra Charlene, after Tyra Banks. Not once did her and I talk on the phone during these times. I was suppose to be her Maid of Honor at her Wedding, and also her KIDS GOD MOTHER. OMG thinking about it, JUST DOES SOMETHING TO ME. I’m still ANGRY about it. I thought once I DISSED LAMAR FOR GOOD for what he did… that I would be okay with how I felt about him.

I moved out of the apartment building after 4 years…. and never looked back. I had lost my BFF and with God there is no telling when me and her were going to speak again. I had to TRUST and BELIEVE his word to me about our FRIENDSHIP being CLOSER THAN EVER, and just waiting on that time to come was the hardest part.

At this time in my life, I had started going to Church every Sunday for a whole year I didn’t miss NOT ONE SUNDAY. I was so close to God, seems like we were joined at the hip. I stop partying, and drinking and going out unless it was a special occasion. I had went through some SERIOUS things in my relationship with a boyfriend that turned me completely to God. I missed my BFF and I was at a place of PEACE in my life, so I picked up the phone and called her. She was so happy to hear from me. We had so many things to talk about and catch up on. I was happy. And even though we were talking again….. things were different. 😦

I had to get to know her all over again. She was married….. a DIFFERENT PERSON NOW….. had 2 children that I had never met. I was suppose to be their God Mother. How could 2 people be so close at one time, and not know one thing about them years later? That alone DEVASTATED ME. So, I kinda drifted apart, getting my own house in order. I was about to get engaged at one point, things didn’t work out, she knew none of that. We talked a few times a week, nothing too serious.. Lamar was still her friend, but they weren’t as close as they were before she got married.

After moving into my first house ( no apartment).. things were going good for me. I cleaned HOUSE SHO NUFF on my friendships, I wasn’t turning back. I desired to keep in touch with Charlene again on the regular. So what….. I had to get to know her all over again, I knew what God told me and wanted my friend back. We started talking everyday. I went to meet her husband and twins for the first time. I was happy. He was happy to meet me because he had heard so much about me, and he’s a Virgo just like me. LOL Char calls him La’Crease Walker, and calls me by his name….because she says we are so much alike we make her sick!! LOL * in a good way*. She says if she hadn’t known me.. she would never had ever gotten along with him because she just couldn’t understand the way we think. LOL

TODAY we are SO CLOSE…. SO CLOSE. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO CLOSE THAT GOD DIDNT TELL ME ALL OF THIS. He didn’t tell me it was going to be THIS WAY. I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND!!! LOL We are so Spiritually Connected its crazy. God can give me a word about moving to Atlanta…. she will text me and say this…. my husband wants me to move South… but I don’t want to leave my mother. THAT WAS MY ISSUE. And I would CALL HER and we would crack up how God has us on the same page ALL THE TIME. Every morning she text me a Scripture or something God gave her, and it will line up with something HE ALREADY TOLD ME the day before. We are so CLOSE and I Thank God for her, she is SO WISE AND SO SMART, AND SO FULL OF COMPASSION….YOU CAN TELL GOD LOVES HER DEARLY.

One morning, I had this dream about Lamar. I was NOT his friend at all, but it made me call Char and tell her about it. It was weird. She told me that she was done with him and that the dream was whatever. So, soon after that I had another dream about him…. and I called her and told her about it again. She told me that the last time she spoke with him was last year when he wanted to take her to see Janet Jackson, but she was so over him and his drama, she told him No…. Thanks, and to Be Blessed. She got a new number and never spoke to him again. Those were her last words to him. About 3 weeks ago, God woke her up and lead her to this web site where you can find someone. He had been on her mind a lot lately, since they lost comtact. She had never been to this site before or even knew it existed. She typed in Lamar’s name and found out that he had been dead since LAST JULY. She called ME DEVASTATED.

I knew it was a reason why I kept dreaming about him. I didn’t like to talk about him… at all PERIOD..but I did TELL HER… plus I wondered what happened to him. He has no family members here in Detroit, but Char found his mother’s phone number and called her. It was really sad how he died. My friend was really sad about it… and if it was my friendship with him.. I would be sad too. I feel bad tho about how numb I feel about him. I was so angry with him back then , that I have no reaction. Of course its terrible, and I feel bad about him dying, but through the years I learned to NUMB myself about anything concerning him. So when she calls me and want to talk about him, my insides flips. I love my BFF and he was both our friend at one time, but this is one of those things where I have to deal with my OWN ISSUES CONCERNING HIM. We had a lot of fun together, and even though he LIED on me, and I was able to move on by burying the thought of him in my mind. I’m faced to deal with the FORGIVENESS of someone who isn’t even here anymore. Hadn’t I saw Oprah’s Life Class, I would have never REALIZED that I was carrying this years too long.

I missed MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING * they celebrated 15 years last month*, I missed the BIRTH OF MY GOD CHILDREN TYRA AND TONY * they are 13 now*….. I missed her BABY SHOWER…. HER PREGNANCY, the move in of their new HOME….all while HE *Lamar* WAS THERE …… I MISSED A LOT and I don’t know how to *grieve* with her. I don’t know how to pretend this is a topic I want to hear. I don’t know how to respond because I don’t want to hear about. BUT… God is so good, and he is always with me….. I have learned to LISTEN…..and the more I LISTEN to her talk about her friend…. I find things that I did loved about Lamar. And since I’m not a FAKE PERSON….. I can be real and LISTEN to her at the same time.

Watching Oprah’s Life Class last week, made God nudge me and let me know that I hadn’t FORGIVEN someone….. and that person is LAMAR. Even still to this day….. I chose to ignore everything about him. I should feel sad….but I feel numb. All of my FRIENDS know Lamar….. but I haven’t told  ONE PERSON … about his death. Because I chose to ignore everything about him. I know I am wrong. But I just don’t want to talk about him.

I’m happy that me and my BFF are BETTER BEST FRIENDS THAN GOD COULD HAVE EVER TOLD ME….. but still in my heart….. I miss Lamar too. Maybe its time I take a moment each day and think about the good times I had with him * WE had a LOT*…. instead of choosing to ignore he ever existed.

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

if you have forgiven her…..lets see. PART 2 Cree’s Blog Entry

She moved in…without her husband. They were in the process of a divorced. I hated her being back, living under me, seeing my every move. And me wondering if she was a even worst person than before. By this time, I had built a wall around myself where I was very private. If you wanted to ask me a question about me…… you wouldn’t because you’d be scared of me going off. My business was my business and no one was ever going to hurt me in that way again.


As time went on, I wanted to know how things happened with her and my daughters dad. She told me everything. By this time, I had cut him off completely as far as sexual. He came to see his daughter, but I wouldn’t let him buy me a sandwich if I was Hungary AND HAVEN’T EATEN IN 50 WEEKS… HE WAS CUT OFF. When I’m done….. I’m done.


Me and her started going to Church, we would talk and really enjoy each others friendship again. I NEVER TRUSTED her in that kinda way as far as my male friends. NEVA …. but it was something about her that was different this time. She told me how her husband use to beat her, and how he got on drugs, and how he made her life a living hell. Apart of me wanted to say…. That’s what you get…. but there was something in me that wouldn’t allow me to be ignorant. Believe it or not, we were the BEST OF FRIENDS. She was better a friend to me then, than she ever was before. And what’s funny……. is that all my friends that I use to call over to help me terrorize her, had a hard time  letting the offense that she did to me go. I couldn’t even explain how things had changed, and how God moved her out of the house, and then back into it years later, JUST SO THAT I COULD LEARN THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. When she moved out, I moved out as well. We kept in touch as we do today. I can’t explain our friendship and how God did things, but it was for our good. And even though we live in different cities, we chat on FB all the time, and she’s MY BIGGEST FINANCIAL SUPPORTER OF ALL MY HOMELESS PROJECTS. She is truly a Woman of God and I love her dearly. And I Thank God for showing me who I was, and how to FORGIVE. Even if it took for him to move her out of town, and back into the same house years later to teach us both a lesson. God knew that it would come together.




Part 3 coming tomorrow. Its deep.


Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

if you have forgiven her…..lets see. Cree’s Blog Entry

My best times to talk to God is when I lay on my couch with the TV off and the light is dimmed. I look up to my ceiling and talk his ears off. LOL


One day last week, I was having one of those talks and I started looking back on my life and seeing how it relates to me today. And what God showed me…..tells a lot about who I am today. I didn’t understand how no matter what people do to me, I still LOVED them. I’ll explain more later.


I grew up in the home with both my parents, even though me and my dad didn’t get alone well as I got in my teens, he is a man who LOVES his family. We were told I LOVE YOU all day everyday. We got hugs…just because. We use to go out to dinner every Friday when my dad got paid. We got allowances, we would go for rides every weekend. When me and my siblings (4 of us) got into arguments we had to make up on the spot….which was kiss and hug. We were NEVER allowed to fight….if we got caught it was TROUBLE!!! As we got into our teens, we were very popular in the neighborhood. Everybody use to come and sit on our porch all day and all night. We still have those SAME FRIENDS to this day.


As I started dating, the guys I ATTRACTED use to make me mad and jealous. I was very jealous growing up and when they made me mad, I would say things like ” I hate you, I hope you die”. I was a very angry teen, which later turned into my early 20’s. I was so mean that my MOM use to PRAY for me day in and day out. I was so mean to my boyfriends, that my parents didn’t know what to do for me. Once I moved out at 22, my mom PRAYED harder that God would change my attitude. She said that she didn’t want anyone to “Kill” me with the anger I was carrying. Little did she know…that GOD was about to deal with me ONE ON ONE.


I went through a lot with people being jealous of me, of my relationship with my siblings, and for having both families in the home, where I had complete total access to both of my parents. The way I lived, and how friendly I was, without it ever being a story of me hurting anyone. I was and still is a good friend. When I found out that my daughter’s dad was sleeping with my friend who lived in a downstairs flat ….. IT ROCKED MY WHOLE WORLD. I never in my life felt a betrayal and devastation like that in my life. OH God…. that pain is deep in my heart….. I couldn’t even cry. I terrorized her every chance I got, and I cut him off from the HEAD!!! After so many months of preying on them, they finally stopped seeing each other. I hated him and hated her.


One day, I said Lord, I cant hold this in my heart any longer….its taking over my thoughts and my life. Then…..she knocked on my door and told me that she was moving out of town. I SAID YESSSS!!! I was so happy, she wanted to make amends and leave with peace. Our friendship was over as far as I was concerned, but I was too happy she was leaving town to marry her kids dad. Good BYE!!! After a year or more of her being gone. I remember clear as day, God asked me while I was washing dishes……have you forgiven her? I said Yes!!! She moved years ago, I don’t have to see her anymore….. I said Yes, God I have. He said alright….we’ll see. Never knew what it meant by that.


Soon after that day God asked me that question…… She got my number from her mom and she called me saying this…… I have spoken to our Landlord, and I’m moving back downstairs. I was devastated again. I said God how could you let her move back into this same house? How could you let her come back to Detroit? I told him that I didn’t ever want to see her again, and that I had forgiven her. I was done with her in my mind, I had never planned to see her again… she did me wrong.


He said if you have forgiven her…..lets see.


Part 2 tomorrow.


Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

Understanding and Forgiveness goes hand in hand….Cree’s Blog

There is truly one thing that in order to move on from something is to ask God for understanding. I’m not saying that you accept the behavior of what you are asking God to help you understand. Try to understand the place in which what was done to you, came from. I hope that made sense. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

My dad come from a place where he had lots of brothers and sisters, and lots of cousins, uncles, aunts living under one roof. In order for him to eat dinner on any night, he had to BE in the house at the table when, dinner was done and ready to be served or he wouldn’t eat……because the food would be gone. The adults didn’t save food for the kids to eat, it was that if you were there, then you had a chance to eat. If you were outside playing, and you wasn’t hungry, then you take your chances as to if you were going to eat that night.

So…… when my dad married my mom and started a family, in our house, we ALWAYS had plenty of food. I can never think of a time when we went hungry, we NEVER had those days. All I remember was throwing out food at the end of the day, because we had too much. We would have so much food in the fridge, that we saved in bowls that after so long it had to be thrown in the garbage.

This type of behavior/mentality comes from the times when my dad was a kid, and went to bed hungry because there wasn’t enough food. He has told us plenty and many of times, that whenever he had a family that there would be plenty of food and that no one would go hungry. Well, my dad made good on that, because as I am 44 years old I can never remember going to be hungry. Never. As an adult I can UNDERSTAND where his mentality comes from when it comes to his children going to bed hungry.

I gave you an example of something that’s positive and through my fathers experience, it has allowed my family to never go hungry. Now, I’m going to give you a not so positive experience and example of UNDERSTANING the situation…. but NOT having to accept the behavior as your own.

When I was a young gurl in junior high, we use to always get our phone, lights and water cut off. I remember times when we had to go over to a family house to bathe until ours got turned back on. Having the phone disconnected was something I hated as a teen, and I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER go through that when I got grown and had a family. Did I understand why this was happening back then…..NO!!! But I do now understand that kind of mentality coming from how my mom and dad were both raised. Do I have to live that way?… HECKE NAW! LOL What I understand is that my dad came from a do or die family. He knew what it was like to go hungry, we didn’t. He knew what it was like to wear hand me downs, ….we didn’t. In my dad’s eyes, he looked at it this way…… our lights may be off today, but at least we have each other. Our lights are off today, but they will be back on next Monday, so in the meantime lets play games and talk to each other. We didn’t like that. I NOW UNDERSTAND where his strength to want to play games, and talk through the fact that our lights are off, IT’S BECAUSE he lived life much harder than we did.There were so many people living in one house, that all they had was each other even when they didnt have food to eat. In his mind it was bonding time…. but even today IN MY MIND….. THE LIGHTS WILL BE ON FOR THAT. LOL I don’t need my lights off to bond. But I Thank God, that I UNDERSTAND the mentality, BUT I WILL NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR live it, enjoy it, or desire to visit those days in my adult life. But I must say, it has taught me to pay my bills. I have the best credit when it comes to paying my bills. I try to pay off my bills when I get them and I get paid. I don’t ever want to look up and my services are being shut off, I have been through enough in my childhood days with that. I pay for my cell phone, 2 HOUSE PHONE NUMBERS, lights/gas, cable, Internet, and 6 CREDIT CARDS…YES 6. Just last month I called the cable company and told them that I would be late paying, she looked at my payment history and was like Ms. Walker, your history looks good. I was happy to hear that, so I HAVE TO look at my past and Thank God/parents for that, because what I’ve been through is NOT who I am today. I CHOSE TO BE POSITIVE, NOT TO DWELL ON THE PAST.

The big question…. am I upset with my parents about the conditions in which we as kids had to live? I use to be. Until I asked God for UNDERSTANDING. I needed to UNDERSTAND the place in which these types of conditions came from. Over the years, and I do mean years…… I had to go through my own experiences to UNDERSTAND how things could happen when you never planned them to be that way. Once God showed me that UNDERSTANDING had nothing to do with me ACCEPTING that way of LIFE for MYSELF…. then I was able to LIVE. Then I was able to FORGIVE. Understanding and Forgiveness GOES HAND IN HAND.