Day: June 2, 2006

 
 

Information Overload: Monica says there’s no point in wasting time with a man who can’t deal with “the real me”. So on the first few dates with Steve she gave him the full 411 on all her past failed relationships and clinical details about her commitment issues. Monica knew this might be risking too much too soon, but she had been deep into relationships before only to watch the man flee–after she had already invested her heart–because he couldnt handle the real Monica, warts and all. Steve seemed to be handling it all admirably, nodding with compassion and understanding. But before long, he got tied up with a big project at work and couldn’t spare a mintue for her.

What Went Wrong: A man values a steady progression from one stage of intimacy and personal disclosure to the next. Skipping ahead is a shock to his system that often sends him packing without giving notice. A man will move on from a woman who seems to be too much emotional work to another who appears less complicated. The tendency to tell it all, all at once, however, is not limited to women. Men can be guilty of it as well, and women who encounter them can be equally repelled.

Solution: If you have intimate personal information to share and you’re not hearing anything nearly as personal from him, then the relationship hasn’t developed enough to go there. Allow for some reciprocity before progression to the next level of disclosure. Keep your deep stuff within the confines of your support network. When he’s ready to know more, he’ll let you know and begin to share some of his own. Until then, remain fully dressed emotionally. It’s not deceptive to dole out the real you a piece at a time; its the wisdom of restraint.

By Ronn Elmore

The Seven Deadly Dating Sins

                            #3

No Romance Without Finance: Racheal and Calvin had been dating about six months when her car made a couple of wheezy sputters, then died on the spot. So she asked him for the $500 the mechanic said it would take to fix it. Why not? she figured. If he’s suppose to be my man, he ought to be there for me through thick and then. It wasn’t that Racheal was a golddigger who saw Calvin as Mr. Moneybags. It wasn’t even about the cash. Its just that she had endured too many boyfriends in the past who said all the right words about love and commitment but failed to back them up. Racheal saw Calvin’s willingness to be generous with his hard-earned money as proof  that he could offer what mattered even more to her: his commitment. It became clear she was mistaken when he ended the relationship.

What Went Wrong: A man loves to impress a woman by unexpectedly satisfying some of her needs. Call it the dazzle factor. But he’s apt to be missing in action if he’s expected to be a cosigner too many times. Call that the demand factor. While a man likes to feel he can give you anything you ask for, he’s going to withhold his heart from a woman who makes him jump through hoops to prove it.

Solution: Desiring gifts and expecting them are two different things. It’s not unreasonable to look forward to them on your birthday or other special occasions, but it’s difinitely unwise to expect anyone else’s level of generosity to match your expectaions. You improve the chances of receiving from him by (a) applauding his generosity whenever he does show it and (b) modeling the behavior you’d like him to emulate. All getting and no giving from you will very likely make his giving temporary. Some options: Occasionally offer to pay for your own dinner, or suggest changing a scheduled date from one that costs to one that doesn’t.

By Dr. Ronn Elmore