How I Gained Back My Self Esteem/ PART 2/BLOG

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I was 24 years old (( 6 years in)) when I FINALLY came to my MIND. When I started talking to God about what I was going through. I thought that I would never get over my daughters father. The more sex I had with him, the more I loved him. That’s when I found out that SEX was the soul-tie that kept my mind on this man. The first thing I learned I had to do was, stop the sex. It was so hard. So so so very hard. Every time I saw him, we were a magnet and I had to give it to him. I knew if I could just stop the sex then I would be able to get over him. Sad thing about it,  I knew in my heart that he had to do something terrible to me, to turn me off from him, and that would be how I would be able to walk away. Its a shame that in order for me to get over this man, something bad had to happen. We never fought EVER, so I knew it wouldn’t be that, but it was something, and  when it happened…..I knew then that I had to let him go.

I started reading my Bible and separating myself from my friends to be more in tuned with God. I started reading how much God loved me no matter what I did. In my mind he was in charge of my LIFE. He was the man I had to please, and that’s when I started learning my worth. I was never a person who compared myself to other women, because it was clear to me that GOD MADE EVERYONE DIFFERENT. I enjoyed and loved the fact that I WAS THE ONLY ONE MADE LIKE ME. You can say, I favor this person or that person, but I was the ONLY LACREASE GOD MADE…and that made me HAPPY. So that alone made me NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want or desire to be like anyone else,  because I KNEW.. that God loved me enough to make ONLY ONE of me, and I love ME.

Then, I had to learn and write down all the things God Blessed me with. I had to read it daily. I had to learn my worth all over again. I had to know it without a doubt. I had to live it. I had to think it, I had to see it ON ME. And here is what I started with.

NOW THIS IS MYYYYYYYYYY LIST…. you make your own list. Remember we are all different.

  • I grew up with both parents in the home, and they helped me with everything I needed.
  • I  got my  first apartment me and my daughter, and a job.
  • I was funny, loved people, loved to laugh and pretty
  • I had a beautiful shape, and wore clothes to compliment my body (( never disrespectful))
  • Had lots of friends and loved the Lord

One of the biggest conclusions IN MY LIFE that God helped me come to was that MEN wanted SEX. What I ( women)  have the men want !!! I had to learn the POWER in it. I learned it was OK to keep it to myself…. its mine. We women don’t have to give it away. Its so much POWER in the vagina. Its not to be shared with everyone. Its yours and all the boys want it. No! No! No! Learn this TODAY! You do NOT have to  give up your vagina.

Fast forward to today. I spend time with myself learning myself daily. Learning my wants/needs and don’t need. Learning things I will NOT ACCEPT. For example.. Married Men.

I met this guy at my job, he comes in often and he calls me “Momma cool”… why I dunno. This man is soooooo fine to me. He’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to him. He’s my type of man IF he wasn’t married. Now, I will NEVER EVER talk, meet, or see this man outside of my job. I will not engage in any conversation with a him or any married man, unless its work related, or God. That’s apart of building my self esteem. KNOWING WHO I AM. My self esteem stays ON 100 because I will not engage in anything not healthy for me and will disappoint God, especially when I know better.When you start crossing lines and doing things out of YOUR CHARACTER, that’s when your self esteem start going DOWN DOWN DOWN. Depression sets in, suicide, doubt , fear all that stuff starts to creep in. Cut off any thing that YOU KNOW is not good for you, because if you don’t you’ll find yourself in trouble. Stay inside of your worth!!! Married MEN ARE OFF LIMITS.. PERIOD! Once you exchange phone numbers….. THAT’S IT!

Take trips. Go to the park alone to spend time with God. Clear your mind. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.. MAKE IT HAPPEN! Go to lunch alone, you dont have to take the kids all the time. Think about yourself. Whats your favorite desert? Go to Dairy Queen alone. Stop feeling guilty because you didn’t take the kids this time.. ITS OKAY. I promise you. Go to Bath and Body Works and buy not one but 4 different scents of lotions, its OKAY. Learn what you like and will  buy the next time you visit. I will book a hotel an hour away from me in a minute! Book a room for the weekend. Have someone to watch the kids… Go alone, make plans to do things while you’re there.

Listen… I will jump in my car and go to the park and sit for hours in the sun enjoying myself. I may have music or I talk to God. I use to be “scared” to go to dinner alone, because I always took my daughter or a friend… YEAH OKAY… I WILL hop in the car and go sit my but down alone so fast. I love getting to know myself. I love me. God made me and there is no one else like ME, and guess what… JUST AS I LEARNED THIS ABOUT ME…. YOU CAN TOO!!! Be your own “to do list”…. life is not about having Sex all the time, sitting on the porch watching cars ride by, going neighbor to neighbor needing someone to go shopping with you. Get to learn yourself, know what you will and will NOT ACCEPT from a friendship, or relationship. Do YOUR own thang in your spare time, and treat yourself. ITS OKAY!!!

Be Blessed!

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How I Lost And Gained Back My SELF ESTEEM/BLOG/PART 1 OF 2

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When I think about my purpose in life sometimes, all I can think of is that I’m suppose to be helping other women. I say that because no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, women always talk to me, and its usually about their issues with themselves, men, and getting over past hurt.

I can remember so clearly many things I’ve been through, and I’m so happy that I don’t hold grudges at all. Maybe that’s why I can help others because I’ve moved on from so many things, and it just doesn’t bother me anymore. I can talk about it and help others at the same time.

With social media being so popular these days women often compare themselves to others, and that is a NO NO. They look at other women and what they have in a man, and how their body is shaped and they care so much in how to please a man, that they lose themselves. Sex these days is  to show off their sexual skills, and to be one of the first to do things differently to a man to make him feel good. Why are women doing this? Listen, when you start a job, you are a temp. You have to get past 90 days to impress your boss and even more days at some jobs to get benefits. Why are women giving these trial men benefits? What have they done to deserve all of that?  A woman will let a man come and stay with her and her kids after knowing him a month. But a man  will not even think about letting a woman come stay with him. Some of these men just wake up in the morning, and their is a women to do everything for him on that day. He won’t have to do a thing but breathe, and have sex with her. A woman who has no kids at him, living single, will NEVER let a man come stay with her. She loves and enjoys her freedom. He’ll have to have his own thing going on.

Some women are afraid to lose a man,  especially if she feels she doesn’t have a “grip” on him.  Sometimes women feel that if they don’t make happy the man they like, he’ll get away. This is why they’re settling for the man who show  the most attention. Who wants to stay with a man who cheats? Why do women give these men so many chances? Don’t they know that if a woman cheat on her man, and he finds out about it, he will DISS HER IN A NEW YORK MINUTE? Men don’t play that? They cannot stand the thought of another man up in their woman. No way! Women with low self esteem are the ones who give chance after chance, after chance after chance. They’re so afraid of being alone and not ever finding the right man, they will settle for a temporary until better comes along.

In the next blog entry, I will share my story of how I got my self esteem BACK!

Next Part 2.. How I built my self esteem up

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Just things/BLOG

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Today is a good day. I’m writing down my thoughts. Things that’s on my mind, things I need to do, things I think about for my future. Just things.

Last night, I was thinking about how we want something so badly and never realize that we already had/ have it. Sometimes it takes years and years and years to realize it. You will only know when you come to a place of peace in all areas of your life. You will look back and see that it was already there. Already yours. Wow, that’s so huge for me. Today I smile, with Love in my heart. I’m happy.  The next level will be even greater. I’m looking forward to it. Thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord.

Next year this time I plan to put together a Women’s Gathering. I use to have these all the time at my home. I’m glad to get back to it. We would have a great time. People always ask me about putting together more of them.  I want to be mentally and physically ready for this challenge. I’m a Virgo so you already know we like our things in ORDER. I don’t play a put together gathering, and a skimpy menu. All my life I’ve worked with teens in my home, or at a school, I love my teens, but I see a lot of work needs to be done with the parents, and with Women in general. Women are just allowing anything to take place in their lives and in their presence. Accepting any and everything that’s offered to us that we feel we can’t do ourselves.

You want to know what the hard part for me is? The HARD PART. Its the fact that I was one of those women with low self esteem, dealing with a man that sold drugs, being attracted to that life at an early age when I lived on the one sided block with the Chamber Brothers (( New Jack City Movie)), because they were my friends. Dealing with drama from my daughters father at an early age. Loved to date married men. I always made my own money so I was NEVER influence by that life. For me it was being in the mist of it all.

The HARD PART FOR ME… is that now that I’m no longer living that life at all PERIOD. I talk to women day in and day out, and its so HARD getting women to understand their worth. Its so hard. Sometimes I ask God, how did I end up with this job? LOL I say that because I never knew that through all my pain in those days that God could USE ME to help OTHER women, when I went through the same thing. Like, how am I in this position to help others?  Me? I guess its because I’ve been through it. I know all the twist and turns, the mind games, the manipulation, the ups and downs, the late night cries, early morning prayer for myself to be healed. I know it all. I still wonder how did I escape with my mind. Because I was CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY back in my twenties. LOL I guess that’s what makes me the best candidate. And for some reason I LOVE DOING WHAT I DO.

When I put together this gathering its going to be talked about for months and years to come ! I’m a VISUAL person and what I have planned is going to take it to another level in WOMEN GATHERINGS. I betcha!

I’m closing for now Be Blessed!

I am La’Crease and I don’t have to do anything else!

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Losing yourself in a MAN/BLOG

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Hey!

I was talking to one of my closes friends a few days ago about how she should make it her business to be around couples who are doing well for themselves  ((mainly husband and wives)) so that she can see how it LOOKS to be happy. She’s going through a WHOLE lot with her on and off again children’s father, and it kills me to see her this way. I believe with all my heart that she has lost herself in this man, and just don’t know how to get out. She’s a beautiful person, sweet as pie, but she allows herself to be mistreated and FINALLY she’s starting to see his true colors.

I know what its like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you or what you bring into the relationship to take it to another level. Yes, I had my faults too, but in the end, I saw that he just wasn’t for me….. and that’s okay.

Coming to the conclusion that someone is not for you, is one of the hardest things for women. They know deep down in their hearts that the man they love is not for them, but they stay and HOPE things change. At some point, you gotta say this is it. That time comes when you start to feel that your self-esteem is low and not building, you cry easily, your feelings are  hurt, you find yourself wondering what he’s doing (( especially if he has a history of cheating)), you’re checking his FB page for new women or subliminal stats, going through his phone and texts. That’s not how you live life. That’s not how a good healthy  relationship should go.

If you haven’t seen your man in a few days, and  he see’s you, he starts going thorough your phone, watch out for him! Because if he feels you can and will do something sneaky within those days you both haven’t seen each other, then he needs to be VERIFIED as well.. Um cuse me! Again…… this is NOT how healthy relationships grow. Not good.

Look at Donald Trump. You see the way his wife pulled away from him as they exit the plane? Clearly a sign of manipulation going on in the relationship. She is not happy in that marriage. She probably feels that now he’s the President, he exercises even MORE Power, and feels there is no way out without retaliation from the public and especially from HIM.  Relationships and friendships should be happy. Yes, there will be problems, issues, misunderstandings and things of that nature. But to help in the loss of self-esteem, is not something ANYONE should experience.

In closing ask yourself.. DO I LOVE ME? What is it about me that allows him to treat me this way? What am I doing over and over again to allow this to continuously happen? If I leave him, what do I THINK he will do to me? Am I scared? Ask God to show you a pattern of his behavior. Tell yourself, that YES its going to be hard at first, then ask yourself can you eventually get over him? Tell and REMIND yourself that YOU WILL have to give up something (((( money, car, nice home, comfort, sex with HIM, security ))) for your PEACE. If you want to talk to me about your situation please feel free to email me DIRECTLY  longnosenikon@gmail.com  

I am LACREASE, and I dont have to do anything else!

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MY story of FORGIVENESS-RAPE/PART 2/BLOG

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Later on that night he called me and told me how good it was seeing me again, how pretty I still was, and how he told his family that I came to see him. We caught up on a lot of things, and still I couldn’t fix my mouth to ask him the REAL reason why I agreed to talk, not to mention, meet up with him face to face. I made it a point to talk to him several times a day just to get my nerve up to ask him everything I wanted and needed to know.

And that day came.

He was telling me how he was still very angry with the mother of his daughter because when he was in jail, he found out that his daughter was molested and raped by the mother’s boyfriend. And that even though he talked with his daughter over and over about it, she can’t seem to get passed it. That seem to bother him. I’m wondering because he couldn’t do anything about it being locked up, or because HE WAS A RAPIST HIMSELF? Which opened the door for me to walk right in.

I asked him… if he remembered the night he RAPED ME. He told me yes he did, and that he thought about it, and prayed about it over, and over, and over again while in jail. Told me that he was very sorry, he was young, and asked for forgiveness. I told him that I had forgiven him, but there are a lot of questions I wanted to ask . He told me that I could ask him anything I wanted to know.

My first question was… why did you do me like that? Why did you leave me bleeding in my own back yard and walked home afterwards?  His answer was that he was very young ( 19) I was 17. He told me that I use to tease him. I can look/think back on my personality back then and disagree.  I did brag a lot about being a virgin at 17, and not having sex like the other gurls my age. I was proud of having a boyfriend and not being sexually active. He took that as me teasing him, but it was only boasting on myself. I UNDERSTAND  now with a (((young person’s mentality))) how it could have made him feel some kinda way , BUT THAT DID NOT, AND WILL NOT EXCUSE WHAT HE DID TO ME.

As a 48 year old woman. I GET THAT.. even if I don’t agree with it. I get the mentality of a 19 year old man, who was in the presence of his gurlfriend everyday, and for several years never had a chance to touch her. When I asked him how could he leave me bleeding at 1 am in the morning, laying on the ground in my own back yard? His reply was…. “I thought you were on your period.”  Truth was he broke my hymen. I was bleeding heavy. I had to go in the house bloody, and hoped my parents wasn’t awake (( they weren’t)). I was shocked and devastated at what he did to me. We were really close, and saw each other everyday. We were that couple, everyone knew us.

I asked him what else did he remember from that night, it was my way of knowing, if he remembered it, or if I was helping him. What shocked me to the HEART…. was that he remembered EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!! And for some strange reason.. it made me feel so GOOD. Still to this day I cannot describe the feeling that I have to know that he did. He went back in his mind and told the story to me just as it happened, just like I had remembered it. He apologized so many times. Told me how he never stopped thinking about me through the years, and how he hoped to see me again.

He began to explain how much he really loved me, and how he wanted me to be his wife and to have his children. When I asked him if he could take back that night, he told me that he hated the fact that he raped me, but he was glad to have been my first. At that point, it really pissed me off to hear him say that, and because he was happy about it. He seemed to feel that he deserved to be my first because we were boyfriend and gurlfriend for several years. I wanted to curse him out and hang up, but I’m much older now and I UNDERSTAND not AGREE… that people have their own truths, and no matter how I FEEL about it, this is HIS story and his feelings.

That night as he threw me on the ground like I was a man, and raped me, I felt my SOUL leave my body. I was in so much pain, that I looked to Heaven for comfort. My dad was calling my name and I couldn’t even answer him. All I could hear in my mind was, “you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore, you’re not a virgin anymore.”  I laid there and cried in my mind but tears ran down my face. After it was over, felt like God sent my soul back to my body, and I was able to get up and walk in my house.

I HATED him after that. After school I use to go see him, I stopped all of that. I was done, he violated me and shut me down. After about 3 weeks, I wanted answers. I went up to his job to ask him why did he do that to me, and all he could say was he wanted me, and then said ”  You were bleeding so much, I thought you were on your period”. That was it, I never wanted to see him again.

Part 3 Tomorrow!

I AM La’Crease (( I don’t have to do anything else))

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MY story of FORGIVENESS-RAPE/PART 1/BLOG

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Oct 22, 2014 I received an inbox from my ex boyfriend asking me to call him. When I first saw his message my heart started beating fast because of what happened 30 years ago. His name alone bought back memories of that night in August a month before my 18th birthday.  I was hesitate at first, but a part of me wanted and needed to talk to him. I wanted and needed answers. I ignored his messages until I had a day to think about it.

I decided to respond and leave him my number to call me. My heart was beating so fast hearing his voice over the phone, it sorta paralyzed me, but the desire to know answers to my questions made me feel much better as I got comfortable listening to the humbleness in his voice. I listened to him talk about how he loves his now grown children and more especially his grand kids. We talked about God and how being out of jail has really changed his life. He has 2 businesses and is doing very well for himself. He invited me to his job to see him, because it had been so long since we’ve seen each other. And even though it would be a huge step for me…. I went. I prayed about it, and decided that I would go and see him.

When I first walked in, my heart was beating so fast. I wondered if I made the right choice in doing this, but knew I needed answers or I may not ever get them. When I walked into the door, we spotted each other right off. He came over to me, in the humblest Spirit I’ve ever known from him, and gave me a long warm hug and kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t help but see the God in him. He was a changed man, a different person than we were 30 years ago. Still good looking, standing 6’3 and still funny as ever. I loved this man dearly once upon a time. He was my first LOVE and first boyfriend.

As we walked around and talked, he introduced me to his staff. He told them that I was his gurlfriend 30 years ago, and that we hadn’t seen each other in years. They told me how pretty and sweet I was, and how they really loved him. I can tell that he was very nervous, and so was I. But again…. it was something that I had to do. We talked about our families ((( he knows my family and friends, and I know all of his))) and our kids. After about 45 minutes I told him that I had to go, which he didn’t want me to, but I had to get alone to regroup my thoughts. I promised that I would come to see him again soon. He walked me to my car, we hugged and said our goodbyes. As I was driving, I thought about how proud of myself I was. This was a huge step for me, something I could have NEVER EVER done without God. Our meet up was the start of answers for me.

Part 2 tomorrow!

I AM La’Crease ((( I don’t have to do anything else)))

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Men control in different ways/BLOG

To WOMEN who are in controlling RELATIONSHIPS…. RUN RUN RUN!!!

You don’t have to put up with that mess. If a man can’t meet half way and learn to LISTEN and COMPROMISE… then there is no reason to be with him. Men control in different ways. If you’re not working and living in his home, get a JOB. Find a hobby  if he doesn’t want you to work. Do something that you enjoy doing. DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF IN A MAN. Make sure you have friends. Make sure you spend time with your FAMILY MEMBERS. Make time to be alone to regroup your mind, even if you have to TAKE YOURSELF TO DINNER. If you’re a woman with a career,and make your own money, but also have a man who is controlling…. PAY ATTENTION to what he controls you with since its not money. Does he talk about your weight? Your face, lips, thighs, butt, breast, past issues that you’re trying to put behind? Is he jealous of the time you spend with your SISTERS and MOTHER? What does he have to say about your closes friends whom you love dearly? Does he constantly ask you about OLD BOYFRIENDS and if you’re still in contact with him?

Pay attention to all the signs. Women… GET YOUR LIFE…. please don’t lose it to a controlling boyfriend or HUSBAND.

I AM La’Crease (( I don’t have to do anything else))

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