Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning. Thank you for the many things you have shown me in the last month. I just really want to Thank you. I just have too.
Ever since my trip from Atlanta, and Pearls of Wisdom *POW* are no longer a group. God has really shown me a lot of things about myself and as well as things in my own personal life. Let me explain. And I really hope someone reading can see themselves and work on it as I am doing now.
I am the oldest of 4. My mom and dad separated after 35 years of marriage. To me, I\’m finding that I\’m always believing that everything is okay. I try really hard to focus on the positive of things. When it comes to family functions and gatherings, I\’m always the one who is calling the others to make the plans. I hate when someone says *yall didn\’t call me*. I hate that mentality. I hate it! I hate it. I hate it. We all have phones where we can pick up and call each other, if you know the holiday is coming, call your family and see whats going on. Don\’t wait for someone to call you with plans.
But see what I\’m learning is, that its not okay for me to continuing on * calling everyone to make plans*. I had to stop that. I found out that every time I called to make plans and stuff for Birthday\’s, holidays, get together, that people have their own agendas. This is not just about family, this is also the case with friends. No matter how hard I try to make sure people come together, and do things as one, there is always someone who don\’t see things as I am trying to do them. Always one. And me being *Cree* always want to * pull out a million tools* to try to fix things. I\’m tired of *fixing things*. I\’m tired of pulling things together especially when people are trying to do their own things. And as soon as I sit back to see what God is trying to show me about ME, here comes * Satan* in the form of a person trying to figure out why I\’m not bringing everything together like I normally do. Well guess why? Because I\’m tired. I\’m giving up my *plant manager* badge. I\’m not supervising anymore. I\’m not *making it happen*, people have their own mouths and their own hands to pick up the phone to bring us all together. Let them do it.
Now what has happened is, I use to be the one trying to bring everything together. And now I\’m sitting back and watching everybody, and the outcome is ugly! Everything that I\’m seeing, I wouldn\’t have seen had I been the one up *walking around*. From my view I see everythang!!! And boy was I dumb. As the song goes, I was blind, but now I see.
What I learned is, it wasn\’t necessary for me to do all that. I did all of that on my own, nobody ask me to do anything. But I realized that I have always been this way. Is this a form of control? I\’m afraid so. So I asked myself what are you trying to control Lacrease? I know that my control NOT done on purpose for personal gain, but its to make sure everything go smoothly, so that I don\’t have to worry about anything. My motive for doing things are always good, but I\’m learning that its okay to take a seat in the back, instead of sitting in the front where I can watch everybody and everything. And to be honest, I love sitting in the back. I don\’t have to do nothing, don\’t have to answer questions, don\’t have to make sure everything is okay, because I\’m riding this * bus* just like them. Its okay if I\’m not the bus driver. Let God do his work, is what I\’m always hearing in my head……….and for some reason… I\’m loving it.
Also I learned that when I *sat down* from doing everything, that\’s when things fell apart. Now I\’m asking myself… are they falling apart because for once you didn\’t * pull out your bag of tools to fix it*, or were you trying to put and piece together something that *didn\’t want to be touched in the first place*? Wow what an observation about myself. Something that wants to live will live without or without Lacrease. Which brings me back to ME.
My baby sisters is mad at the 3 of us. Growing up me and my sister who is under me was always in trouble. I remember being on punishments for summers and summers to come, sitting up stairs in my room reading. My baby sisters didn\’t go through half the stuff as we did. If we sneezed hard, we would have to wash the dishes for months and months straight. Me and my dad never ever ever got along. The only time we got along was when I got my work check and I would give him some just to keep peace with him. My baby sister was too young to remember all of that. So now that we are older she is the one who caters to my dad. He misuses her to no end, and it use to bother me, and now since I have gotten this attitude where I say * well if you like for him to misuse you then I love it*. I\’m sorry but I refuse to let him do me like he use too. And the 3 of us feel the same way. I\’m grown now, I have a choice to be misused. I have my own place, I don\’t have to stare him in the eyes and get smacked in the face if I blink. I\’m sorry but those days are not here any more.
We have all forgiven my dad, none of us are bitter or angry over how he use to treat us. But he is the one who keeps bringing up the past and forces a comment out of us, and if he doesn\’t like it, he will hang up and not call for MONTHS! He has allowed the guilt to take over his life. No matter how bad I want to NOT talk about things, he wants to talk about it just to get mad and hang up. Its crazy to me. He\’ll call and say what yall doing? And if were leaving out to go to Texas Road House or something, he\’ll say… YALL EATING OUT AND I\’M OVA HERE EATING HAM FOR DINNER. And my daughter would just be about to cry. And I started saying well, when he call don\’t tell him where we\’re going. Cause see I know its all a front for sympathy. He has done this to me for all my 41 years of living. This is new to her. For years she has watched him do this, so now that she\’s grown he tries to manipulate her. Yesterday he called me at home and asked me to do something for him, then when I told him No I\’m not because the car is gone. He hangs up with me calls Neisha on her cell phone to see was I lying. I cant stand stuff like that.
So what I found out about myself is that I have went beyond the call of duty to make sure that everyone is okay, its just who I am. And now I\’m riding on the back of the bus like everybody else. That\’s why my dreams are not coming to fruition. I\’m too busy doing everybody else. I\’m not calling anyone back, I\’m not picking up the phone to call anyone. God work for them just as he do me. And you know what? God is showing me so much everyday. To me I feel that I\’m in the best position that I have been in, he is showing me all that\’s been there in the first place. People are going to be people, and that\’s the way it is. Many instances God is calling for me to be the *one*, but I\’m too busy trying to bring in others. I\’m not missing my blessing for anyone again. Never.
I also feel that I\’m standing in my own way. I\’m going to let God work on his own kids. Why do I feel the need to be the Doctor in everything, while people sit back and watch my name pop up on the Caller ID. I know I have created an atmosphere where I have stepped up and done things, and this is for all areas of my life
, and now I refuse to do it anymore.
I can go on and on and on about my life. But I\’m moving on to positive things.
Barack Obama is here in Detroit!!! Yea. He will speaking this morning at Hart Plaza downtown Detroit. Me and Neisha want to go , but the parking is crazy, we cant bring lawn chairs or anything. So basically we would be standing, *looking for a bathroom * hot, everyone is off from work due to it being a Holiday, and wondering after its over how long is it going to take to get home? LOL So we decided to watch it on TV Live. Then another part of us is saying….. This is history, do what you have to do Lacrease to be apart of this Historical event. I thought about it some more, and decided to stay home.
I\’m so proud of myself, everyday I have really been working hard on getting the lessons plans ready for my Teens group that I\’m going to start up next year. Ever since I came home from Atlanta and took myself away from other things, I have made it my business to focus on me and the things I\’m suppose to be doing. Yesterday I was at work for only 4 1/2 hours, and I kept thinking about my best friend. Nothing bad. so I said God I want to see my best friend in this store today. Didn\’t Charlene come behind my register and tap me on the back and said I\’m going to shop Ill be back. LOL I was like OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We hardly ever get a chance to see each other, but we are very close and talk daily. So I was pretty happy and she came through my line.
I have something else to share tomorrow. Right now its 4:30 and I\’m sleepy. I took a nap and woke up at 10pm!!! Yall know I had to be tired cause I don\’t even take naps!!! LOL
Below is one of my favorite songs IN THE WORLD. Its from my baby Maxwell. On his myspace site he is coming to Detroit in Oct. My computer is on speed dial with ticketmaster the mintue tickets go on sale. I am there!!! Ahh, this man makes me feel so sexy. I leave this place mentally when I listen to his music. He takes me outta here. LOL There\’s no video for this song, but listen to the music and lyrics.
Good night
Cree
Inside the mind of cree 
