Day: January 13, 2009

I feel much better now that I got my last entry out * A letter to God*.

I know, I know its 4:31 am and I should be sleep. Neisha is gone back to school and I\’m just chilling. I mean for real. The weather here in Michigan is just off the hook. I be so glad when winter is over………dang. When it snows….. it snows!!! I\’m use to this weather but still, it wont clear up before another 4-6 covers it. Shoo in a minute 4-6 ain\’t gon mean nothing, it keeps snowing, and people are still out and about. Speaking of out and about. When we were little kids, when we were going to go shopping or someplace exciting, if it started raining just a little, my dad would say……Oh ….we\’ll go next time. And I\’ll be like * with my big mouth*, daddy its only *rainging… lol* a little bit. He would be like No! He would do this all the time. We would plan to go out to dinner, and if it thunder to hard, he\’d be like ….nope lets go tomorrow. And I said to myself, when I get grown no matter where I gotta go, who I\’m going to see, where I need to be, I\’m going!! Nothing or nobody is gonna stop me!!! Surely enough when I got grown, sleet snow, rain, sun, thunder lightning, nothing stops me from jumping in my car and being on my way. To me that\’s that box mentality. I\’m not a box gurl, and everyone knows that about me. As long as God okay me going I\’M THERE!!! TO this day, that mentality has stopped my dad from being all he could be. He limited himself because of situations that non of us can control. Now its a difference if the car broke down, or someone broke into our house and he wanted to stay close. But to say…… oh its yellow outside, lets go in the morning. lol That\’s crazy.

For a Christmas gift I bought me and Neisha tickets, * I paid some $$$* front row to see Chris Paul and the New Orleans Hornets this Sat night. She is so excited!!! We\’re going to take plenty of photos too. She got good grades from school, she so deserve it.

I went everywhere looking for the new Essence book with Tyler Perry on the cover. I called Barnes and Nobles on Friday and the lady told me to check back on Sat, I did…… and still no Essence. At work, we ha vent gotten them in. After wards I went to Barnes and Nobles and the lady said, aren\’t you the one who called the other day?Me ~> * I\’m like yes *. She smiled and said let me go and check for you. WE both went and NO Essence. Well, tomorrow we\’ll have them at my job, I\’m off but I\’m going to pick up The family that preys, and The Marriage Counselor. Whew, Tyler owes me a Meet and Greet. I AINT PLAYING! I\’m ride or die all day for my BRO!!!

Anita Baker, Halle Berry, and Tyler Perry are going to be at the BET wards this year. Yall know Imma pass out right? lol . I hear Anita is going to sing, I hope so. People love Anita. There are so many people saying her name in their raps and songs. I want to see Notorious!! I want to see how this movie came together. I\’m not feeling the people they chose, but we\’ll see how it came together.

January 20! Its on and poppin! Obama!!! I will be glued to the TV. Dang….. who knows how to record on VCR? I don\’t! When I bought my flat screen, and called Com cast to bring me a DVR box, I didn\’t know that you can record your movies. I was still using VCR\”s? lol I have cable hooked up on 5 TV\’s and my nerd behind didn\’t know about recording from their box. I called them and asked them why didn\’t they give me one when they came out to hook up my DVR box? They said cause I didn\’t ask for one. I said who would want to record their programs for $3.00 A MONTH MORE??? Then she says, well if we come out you have to have a $20.00 money order, but if you pick it up from the office its free. I said well I still don\’t know how to hook it up!!! People know they be on tweak mode. Then they send me this other cable box for the switch over in Feb, and guess where its at? On my bedroom floor looking stupid? Shoo I duno how to hook that thang up. Then they KEEP on calling, saying Ms Walker, have you hooked up your cable box? In my mind I said GURL BYE!! I dunno what I\’m doing. lolll

Income TAX day bring yo behind on!!! Whew, Jan 16 ain\’t coming fast enough. Normally I\’ll wait to about March to get my taxes done. But this year Cree is pressed!!! I need to get these light and gas bill down. Goodness my bill is $810.00. My lights and gas are on the same bill. I don\’t like shut off notices and all I want to do is get this bill PAID OFF!! I want a new truck, I don\’t see a dime of the money to get it, but I know its coming. I feel it. I FEEL IT!!

Well, I\’m closing. I had planned on going to the movies tomorrow alone. I don\’t want to call my friends to go with me, I\’m doing me for a while. But I dunno, I may wait till Wednesday. Take care.

Lacrease

*Feed your Faith, and your Doubt will starve to Death*.

*Waving*

Have you ever felt like something was missing in your life, but you just couldn\’t figure out what it was? Have you ever walked around for days maybe a week and not know what was wrong with you?

That\’s what I was going through last week, and maybe the week before that.

For the last week or so I have been feeling * dead*. Feeling as if something was missing in my life. I didn\’t want to eat to much * something I love to do* , didn\’t feel like talking, I didn\’t feel like doing my hair, getting my brows done, or even getting my nails done * my daughter was even paying for them*. I didn\’t feel like cooking, going shopping with my daughter to buy a outfit for the Piston game were going to Sat night, I didn\’t even feel like going to get my gurls shirts * Raisingurls to Women* done at the T shirt shop. Didn\’t feel like going shopping for me a new outfit, didn\’t even feel like going to buy me and new pair of gym shoes * my daughter was buying me*. My gurls called and wanted to go out to dinner yesterday, I didn\’t feel like doing that either. I have been just moping around the house, hoping that what ever was going on with me would JUST PASS. Just go away. When my sister called to see if I was going to see my dad at his place, I didn\’t want to do that either. My best friend called and wanted to go see TD Jake\’s new movie * Not easily broken*, I didn\’t want to go and see that either, and *I always go opening weekend for my peeps* Met 2 nice looking men last week, didn\’t even call them. Went grocery shopping, hated to do that too.

Yesterday, I sat down on the couch and said Lord what is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? I\’m not sick, I just feel dead. I feel like crap. I want to live, that\’s not an issue at all. I\’m just not feeling like Lacrease. So, I sat there thinking, Ive been to this place before. I know this feeling. If I can just figure out what is it? If I could just sit here for a few more minutes, it\’ll come to me. There it hit me. It hit me. As bad as I wanted to cry when I realized what it was, all I could do is say God its you. Its you that my soul is craving. You are that void that is left in my heart to fill. I miss you. I haven\’t been talking to you, and praying as I should. I love you, and I need you. Please stop me if I ever go this long without spending that time **you know how we do it* that I\’m use to having with you. How did I go this long? What was I doing in this ole mixed up world that I neglected our friendship/daughter dad time? What was so important? Is that how we are suppose to feel when we are away from you? LORD please don\’t ever let me go that long again.I hated that feeling. I HATED IT. I HATED IT. I never want to visit that lonely place again without you. I was walking around like a zombie! I don\’t like being disconnected from you like that. My soul was crying out for you. I\’m use to you being in my life. I miss the talks.

Last night I pulled out my book called A woman and her Lord, and I read and stopped and laughed, and read, and stopped and talked, and thought, and cried. I felt so much better when I went to bed. When I got off work tonight I went home cooked, got comfy and pulled out my other book When Godly people do ungodly things. My soul is full of food of you. Before I knew it , it was almost 3 am this morning. I feel brand new. I\’m so full right now, and there\’s so much more of you. There is no end to your greatness. I have to have your attention and Love daily. I crave it, you spoiled me with it. You live in me and I must have a relationship. Lets make it stronger, lets do it how I\’m USE TO HAVING YOU. And that\’s daily!!! Lord, I love you, Thank you for showing me YOU.

Lacrease