Tired

Christmas was great this year. Went over to my sisters house with all my family, we had dinner we exchanged gifts at my house, and had so much fun being together.

That was yesterday. This morning Im feeling depressed. Guess you cant have all good days. I was reading some of the stories on pandora’s site and it just make me think about me when I was 17 years old. I have thoughts of him coming through my line when he gets out of jail and smiling at me, trying to be my friend as if nothing happened. Im so dumb sometimes. All I want to do is  be nice, but something inside me keeps my guards up. I feel as if Im running sometimes, and Im tired. I want to let me guard down and live. Be happy.

Went over to Gloria’s for Christmas her cousin was there, he like me years ago. We made eye contact tonight, perfect conversation. Being a Lions ticket season holder for 15 years and offering me to go with him next season, for some reason I wanted to say okay and really mean it. Got up to fix me a plate, for some reason I wanted to reach over and kiss him, felt that he needed a kiss as we talked. For some reason it felt right, it felt as he was there to “save me”. His conversations soothe me, the talk of football my favorite sport made me feel connected. Got up to make me a plate, he hinted that he wanted some too. I asked him did he want me to make  him a plate, I did. And it felt good, like we were together. Felt like right. Felt like I was “a wife” not necessarily “his wife” but I had a wifish feeling.Handed it to him, and after wards handed him some foil to wrap some take home food. For a while now, never have I wanted to be of help to a man, unless he was MY man. But it was something different about him, maybe it was me. Yeah it was me.  Does it matter that he is about 15 years older than I. Naw it didn’t matter, because it felt good tonight, felt like right. As I left I rub his back, nice stomach, nice dressed, nice house,  he’s a mason may I add, owns his own boat, takes many trips, single, with grown kids. He don’t have a clue to how his presence made me feel like “more than a woman”. he have no idea that’s what I needed today. So I say thank you. I’ll see you again.

When will the day come for me to show “them” how its done. To fix my husbands plate, and watching his appreciation on his face. When will he come sweep me off my feet and say………….lets take a trip for 2 weeks to Florida. Lets fly to Vegas. Lets book a cruise. Look what I have bought you. Wear this for me. I know that time will come. But how much longer will I have to watch my sisters and their husband/boyfriend play and whisper to each other. How long will I have to look across the table and see them peaking on the lips, stopping only because they feel guilty. When will I stop feeling funny when I’m the only person who is not with someone? When will I be able to climb in the passenger seat, while my husband drive me to and fro? When can I say “ok gurl let me call you back my husband is here”? I hate hearing, so who is your friend? When will the time come when my husband calls me, and tells everyone in the back ground Shhhh be quiet my wife is on the phone! Will I ever hear ……..Im hungry what u cook? Guess only God knows. For now, guess Ill work on me. Work on this body of mines. These thoughts of mines too.

Im closing for now, feeling depressed a little, tired of holidays feeling empty. Tired of this computer. Tired, just tired.

nite