Day: September 5, 2006

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At 39, its time to make changes

 
 
Just talking to myself……….
 
Today I had a good time over to my sisters house. My whole family was there. My nieces and nephews and all. Family is really the bomb. Growing up, my sisters and brother really \”sick my nerbes\” (as my nephew says), but my dad taught us the importance of loving your family. We didn\’t understand then, but now we soooo get it!
 
We were sitting on the couch talking, when I said that I wanted a husband. My brother looked at me and said \”you don\’t like men\”. I said I do, its just I just don\’t play! He said to me, you need to play just a little bit. I was like WOW! My flesh wanted to say \’Nicka you got your nerves wit yo mean a@@. But for some reason I knew he was right. My whole motto is…\”I don\’t play when it comes to men, I can do bad all by myself\”. And that could very well be the reason why…..I don\’t have nobody! Its my whole attitude about it. If he sees me as a person who \”dont\” like men, then thats probaly how others view me. He said that I need to lift up a little bit.I agree! I am hard on a guy. I give up on them at the first sign of anything that Im not \”feeling\”. And that is soooo not good. Its not so much that I\’ve had  bad relationships, but I think that I have seen and heard so much bull from  how men act and treat us, and just by talking to friends, that I BETCHU I WONT GET PLAYED attitude has got deep inside me and stayed. Here I am 39 years old, and haven\’t had any one that I can say \”I\’m\” feeling in a long time.
 
What\’s my problem? Is it that I have 2 cars sitting up in the driveway that has me this way. Is it my job ( not like it pays a lot) but I have had it for 3 years and its okay. Is it that I live in a nice neighborhood, with a 4 bedroom brick house? Is it that I have only one child who is 20 years old, Honor student with a 4.0 in college, working on her  Degree and will be going to Law School in a few years? Is it that I have a close family with my mom and dad still living and have been married for 39 years? Is it that I have the best friends God could EVERRRRR hand pick for me, who loves me dearly? Is it that I have the best loving sisters in the world that I thank God for everyday? I mean what is it that has me so independent that I am really lonely as hell?????
 
I feel sometimes that I can see everybody\’s going on\’s and never really looked or focus on \”mines\”. What\’s really going on with Lacrease?
 
I use to keep my nails done, and brows arched, went and got my hair done every week. Now its just routine for me. Get up, shower, put on my clothes , throw on some lip gloss, earrings, make up, throw some curls in my hair and I\’m out the door. What kind of woman is that? I have truly lost myself. For no reason. I am so upset with myself.
 
Today my daughter took some photos of me on her camera phone, when I went to look at them. I almost passed out. My face is so fat, my back look like I play for the Detroit Lions, my cheeks is so high they could touch the sky. That made me so mad in my mind. And here she is saying \”ma you look so pretty\”. Yeak ok!
 
While the guys sat on the porch and talked, we, my 2 sisters and mother jump in the truck and went to look at these 1-4  million dollar homes in the area. And as Im getting in the truck, I realize that I gotta throw one thigh up to get in, then after huffing and puffing,then I throw the other leg up in there, holding on to everything I could get my hands on to just to hop in the dogone truck. ( rolling my eyes and shaking my head at myself) Then getting out wasn\’t no better, when I opened the door it seemed like forever when my foot was gonna touch the ground. Danggggggg. Flat out I need to lose some weight. I may seem hard on myself, but I needed to experience those things today. I really did.
 
So guess what I just did some research and I\’m going down to Weight Watchers on Thursday ! Yep, its time I come out of my \”comfort zone\”. Things in my life is too happy and too good. I need a shake up. I need to come out of this mode. I need to go through something for a well deserving pay off. I need to get back to Lacrease. I want my life back physically. I\’m tired of feeling and looking like a weeble. I\’m sick of having just a pretty face. I need a whole adjustment. These hips and thighs and my \”heart shaped\” booty must go!
 
Don\’t look at this entry as being hard on my self………trust me I need it.
 
Talk to yall lata ( gotta go think)
Cre Cre
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