At 39, its time to make changes

 
 
Just talking to myself……….
 
Today I had a good time over to my sisters house. My whole family was there. My nieces and nephews and all. Family is really the bomb. Growing up, my sisters and brother really \”sick my nerbes\” (as my nephew says), but my dad taught us the importance of loving your family. We didn\’t understand then, but now we soooo get it!
 
We were sitting on the couch talking, when I said that I wanted a husband. My brother looked at me and said \”you don\’t like men\”. I said I do, its just I just don\’t play! He said to me, you need to play just a little bit. I was like WOW! My flesh wanted to say \’Nicka you got your nerves wit yo mean a@@. But for some reason I knew he was right. My whole motto is…\”I don\’t play when it comes to men, I can do bad all by myself\”. And that could very well be the reason why…..I don\’t have nobody! Its my whole attitude about it. If he sees me as a person who \”dont\” like men, then thats probaly how others view me. He said that I need to lift up a little bit.I agree! I am hard on a guy. I give up on them at the first sign of anything that Im not \”feeling\”. And that is soooo not good. Its not so much that I\’ve had  bad relationships, but I think that I have seen and heard so much bull from  how men act and treat us, and just by talking to friends, that I BETCHU I WONT GET PLAYED attitude has got deep inside me and stayed. Here I am 39 years old, and haven\’t had any one that I can say \”I\’m\” feeling in a long time.
 
What\’s my problem? Is it that I have 2 cars sitting up in the driveway that has me this way. Is it my job ( not like it pays a lot) but I have had it for 3 years and its okay. Is it that I live in a nice neighborhood, with a 4 bedroom brick house? Is it that I have only one child who is 20 years old, Honor student with a 4.0 in college, working on her  Degree and will be going to Law School in a few years? Is it that I have a close family with my mom and dad still living and have been married for 39 years? Is it that I have the best friends God could EVERRRRR hand pick for me, who loves me dearly? Is it that I have the best loving sisters in the world that I thank God for everyday? I mean what is it that has me so independent that I am really lonely as hell?????
 
I feel sometimes that I can see everybody\’s going on\’s and never really looked or focus on \”mines\”. What\’s really going on with Lacrease?
 
I use to keep my nails done, and brows arched, went and got my hair done every week. Now its just routine for me. Get up, shower, put on my clothes , throw on some lip gloss, earrings, make up, throw some curls in my hair and I\’m out the door. What kind of woman is that? I have truly lost myself. For no reason. I am so upset with myself.
 
Today my daughter took some photos of me on her camera phone, when I went to look at them. I almost passed out. My face is so fat, my back look like I play for the Detroit Lions, my cheeks is so high they could touch the sky. That made me so mad in my mind. And here she is saying \”ma you look so pretty\”. Yeak ok!
 
While the guys sat on the porch and talked, we, my 2 sisters and mother jump in the truck and went to look at these 1-4  million dollar homes in the area. And as Im getting in the truck, I realize that I gotta throw one thigh up to get in, then after huffing and puffing,then I throw the other leg up in there, holding on to everything I could get my hands on to just to hop in the dogone truck. ( rolling my eyes and shaking my head at myself) Then getting out wasn\’t no better, when I opened the door it seemed like forever when my foot was gonna touch the ground. Danggggggg. Flat out I need to lose some weight. I may seem hard on myself, but I needed to experience those things today. I really did.
 
So guess what I just did some research and I\’m going down to Weight Watchers on Thursday ! Yep, its time I come out of my \”comfort zone\”. Things in my life is too happy and too good. I need a shake up. I need to come out of this mode. I need to go through something for a well deserving pay off. I need to get back to Lacrease. I want my life back physically. I\’m tired of feeling and looking like a weeble. I\’m sick of having just a pretty face. I need a whole adjustment. These hips and thighs and my \”heart shaped\” booty must go!
 
Don\’t look at this entry as being hard on my self………trust me I need it.
 
Talk to yall lata ( gotta go think)
Cre Cre
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7 thoughts on “At 39, its time to make changes

  1. “On the married note”
    I never tell single women they shouldn’t get married or marriage isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be… I hate when people say that to me when I talk about wanting a child… People have told me “I’ve let it consume me, I’ve let it take over my life” It’s not that I get upset each and every time I think about it… I don’t walk around dazed and bring it up everyday all day. It’s just that when I mention it and talk about it I get so emotional and people take that as… I’m letting it take over my life. I think about it often but no so much so that I can’t function and do other things. I have 3 friends that talk about wanting a husband and etc. it may seem like they talk about it a lot. But, we do not discuss it on each and every conversation. I’m not a good one to get advice from about marriage as I’ve had a few rounds in the past… and lost… So— I’m working hard on this one.

    I’ll just say this… I think if you “settle” and let things slide… in the beginning of a relationship you’re setting yourself up for a bad relationship. The reason I say that is because, if you don’t like something they’re doing you can’t try to change it later.

    For example, if the only thing you’re not feeling about this person is that he constantly use the “N” word… you can ask him not to say that around you. But, he says it when speaking with his family and friends but not your family and friends.. That shouldn’t make you want to kick him to the curb…

    But,

    If you don’t like him smoking weed… you can tell them you don’t like it… ask them not to do it around you and they may continue to do it not around you but just do it period. It will still get on your nerves because he does it and no telling what else may happen in the future behind that.

    You may not have experienced those things above but, I was trying to give an example of things I have looked over and something I couldn’t deal with and I wished I had not continued with the relationship.

    Those “signs” are there for a reason…. They’re there to protect you. Don’t settle, do what you do, work on you and what would make you a good wife… and The Lord will Bless you with a Man & Marriage that suits you.

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  2. The weight thing… I just lost a few lbs… I’m excited and I’m going to keep at it.

    So—- Cre’ U go gyrl! Do it–Do it–Do it–Do it…

    SOME- People just don’t understand when you’re uncomfortable with self. You don’t want to loose weight just to “look” a certain way. You get tired of certain things you have to go through and most importantly you want to be healthy. People try to make you feel better by ignoring the fact that you’re telling the truth about yourself.

    My Mother, Sister, Friends and Husband would tell me “You’re straight, You’re fine, You don’t need to loose weight, I wish I was your size and all of this other stuff.” But,

    They don’t understand that I was sick of going into stores trying on 3 sizes…(The size I want to be, The size I think I am and the big bomb was finding out the REAL SIZE!)

    They didn’t feel the flabby fat shaking under my arm when I waved with excitement when I saw my sister coming into the mall and felt embarrassed immediately because you feel like everyone was focused on that flabby piece of meat.

    They don’t see me putting my laundry in bags because my stomach all in the way and it’s hard to grab the basket with two hands. So— I can drag them up and downstairs because carrying a basket is like carrying another body…

    They don’t see me in the shower using the long back brush as a “body brush” because I was getting tired of bending, crunching up my stomach and getting out of breath trying to get all areas.

    They don’t feel me huffing and puffing bending down to buckle my sandal= and then need to sit there for a while after you finally come up for air… Just to go through the same thing to buckle the other sandal.

    They don’t see the stitching all stretched out in my favorite pair of dress pants, jeans and capris. Or… the area where the material is worn out because my thighs are rubbing together.

    They’re not leaning all on the counter to wash dishes because their legs are hurting.

    They don’t feel sad when they look in the mirror every morning and don’t see any definition or division separating my chin from my, jowl and my neck… I want to see that part that’s almost hanging as a second neck… GONE.

    They don’t understand how I could be confused to be able to pinch more than an inch in areas that I should be able to feel my bone.

    They just don’t understand… Saying “Someone else has it worse than you” isn’t helping me with me and my situation.

    So— I feel U Cre’ do that…

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  3. Aaaaahm U know I write a book on things I feel passionate about. I hope it all makes sense.

    ~ T

    Mmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
    Love Ya Sistah’ by Anotha’ Motha’
    Happy Belated Burffffffdayyyyy!!!

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  4. LaCrease…girl this sure was an eye-opener and I’m so feeling what you said. On the relationship tip, I’ve been exclusively in one for the past 4 years and not even thinking about marriage. I sometimes think that I settled but then I REALLY look at it and say “settled for what???” I have come to realize that I preferred just dealing with this one guy and his BS then deal with several. The dating game can get very old and tiring. Am I afraid to come out of my comfort zone in this? Yes. But fear is not enough to keep me in it for 4 more years. We’re not getting any younger and God has somebody out there just for us. I believe that. Now on the weight tip, as I said before, I usu. gain in the summer. Azzbackwards….yep. Then my energy picks up and I lose and am back to my old self..don’t know what’s up with that. I’m going to try to lose a few more pounds this year. Maybe in the midst, some other needed changes will happen. I enjoyed reading your post today.

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  5. {{{{{{{CRE}}}}}} i feel u Ma
    constant self-assessment is the only way to GO!
    do this 4 U!! Love U until it bcums so apparent that he gets jealous! lol

    u r always in my prayerz!! love u sis!!
    u r on ur way!!! do the damn thang! 🙂
    MWAHHHHH!!
    ~NYC~

    Stay Encouraged.

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  6. As a man who loves big girls and is not afraid to say so I say your fine as is but thats just an admirer talking…you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Do what you have to do to make you happy with you.

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