July 23, 2012 – Inside the mind of cree

As I sat on the couch continue Cree’s Blog

I started realizing that I spend too much time on the lives of other people. And let me say this………… THESE ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE. But its about ME now. I’m the one moving to Atlanta, about to live my dreams out. I shouldn’t be trying to fit in time for other people…. I’ve done that for many years now.

As I sat on the couch, and laid in bed for 3 weeks, I started seeing many things. Things that if I was still working I would have looked over ……easily. Things about people that bother me. I have some blame in this too. I allowed people to treat me a certain way…. not because I don’t care…… but its because of FEAR of me going back to ME…. the old ME. The selfish ME. The don’t give a F*** ME. The nonchalant ME… The “WHATEVA…ME. The “If I don’t see ya…. then I don’t LOVE ya”…ME. I can’t seem to find a medium. I’m either turned OFF by someone, or TURN ON. Turned off meaning…we could be in the same room for hours, I’ll speak, but after that I will never allow my eyes to lay eyes your way again. TURNED ON meaning…… I can tell you how much I appreciate you, give you my honest opinion about something, show you love in my own special way.

I just don’t know how to find that balance. Right now in my life… I’m TURNED OFF BY A LOT OF PEOPLE. In these last weeks, people have showed me their ass time and time again… day after day. Everyday I pray and said Lord….. please. please. please. please, please don’t let me go back to my old attitude. I JUST WANNA SCREAM…. LET ME BE ME!!!!! I don’t want to be selfish with my self …. SECRETIVE AND NONTRANSPARENT. I just need to find that balance, where I say… a little of YOU in my life… and little of YOU in my life… a little of YOU in my life… AND A LOT OF LACREASE … IN MY LIFE LOL.

I hate being this way………. I HATE IT… BUT I’VE GOT TO DO IT… I HAVE TOO..

I’m not going talk about this any deeper…. I’m just doing what I have to do…. That’s all.

Cree

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

July 23, 2012July 23, 2012

As I sat on the couch…. I started thinking about MY LIFE. Cree’s Blog

June 24, 2012….. Woke up at 11:30 AM and was UNABLE TO WALK.

I sprang my calf…. till this day….. I still have no clue as to how it happened. I walked around MGM Grand Casino with my 2 Sisters the night before and I did nothing unusual. My nurse told me that it would take 4-6 weeks to heal. I told her in so many words… gurl you got me messed up. LOL There was NO WAY… I could be out for that long.There was no swelling, no bruises, no scratches, NOTHING. I couldn’t even pinpoint the pain…until the next day. I started feeling pain behind near my calf area when I walked on my left leg, this pain was familiar to me. I remember one time I walked in the March of Dimes Walk-a-thon and my calf was sore the next day from walking so many miles. But this was the same pain, but to the 1000 th POWER.

Monday morning came and I felt as if I was losing my mind. I was outdone to know that my calf was in so much pain….but ONLY WHEN I WALKED. I never felt pain in a certain area at all, even when I was sitting down. I called into work.

Tuesday morning…. I went up to my job and could barely walk from the parking lot to the store. I had to ride around in a cart. I went to personel and told them that I QUIT. My plan was to give them 2 weeks noticed ON MONDAY so that I can prepare for my move to Atlanta.

After 3 weeks….. I was finally able to walk again. What a humbling experience. I had worked all my life, and when I was on vacation from my job… I was out and about. This time ……. it was NO VACATION ….I had 3 weeks to prop my legs on the couch and reflect on MY LIFE. My family did everything for me….. they wouldn’t let me do anything but to get well. I was depressed, often cried when I was alone, and didn’t know if I would ever walk again. It was that bad for me. I prayed a lot and God reassured me that it was all in Divine Order.

As I sat on the couch…. I started thinking about MY LIFE. * to be continued*

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

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