I started realizing that I spend too much time on the lives of other people. And let me say this………… THESE ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE. But its about ME now. I’m the one moving to Atlanta, about to live my dreams out. I shouldn’t be trying to fit in time for other people…. I’ve done that for many years now.
As I sat on the couch, and laid in bed for 3 weeks, I started seeing many things. Things that if I was still working I would have looked over ……easily. Things about people that bother me. I have some blame in this too. I allowed people to treat me a certain way…. not because I don’t care…… but its because of FEAR of me going back to ME…. the old ME. The selfish ME. The don’t give a F*** ME. The nonchalant ME… The “WHATEVA…ME. The “If I don’t see ya…. then I don’t LOVE ya”…ME. I can’t seem to find a medium. I’m either turned OFF by someone, or TURN ON. Turned off meaning…we could be in the same room for hours, I’ll speak, but after that I will never allow my eyes to lay eyes your way again. TURNED ON meaning…… I can tell you how much I appreciate you, give you my honest opinion about something, show you love in my own special way.
I just don’t know how to find that balance. Right now in my life… I’m TURNED OFF BY A LOT OF PEOPLE. In these last weeks, people have showed me their ass time and time again… day after day. Everyday I pray and said Lord….. please. please. please. please, please don’t let me go back to my old attitude. I JUST WANNA SCREAM…. LET ME BE ME!!!!! I don’t want to be selfish with my self …. SECRETIVE AND NONTRANSPARENT. I just need to find that balance, where I say… a little of YOU in my life… and little of YOU in my life… a little of YOU in my life… AND A LOT OF LACREASE … IN MY LIFE LOL.
I hate being this way………. I HATE IT… BUT I’VE GOT TO DO IT… I HAVE TOO..
I’m not going talk about this any deeper…. I’m just doing what I have to do…. That’s all.
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy