Wow what a month!!! So, I guess this will be my “vent” blog. I know I can’t be the only one going through something like what I’m about to write about. Sometimes I dunno how to feel about how I feel. Or even if I’m “right” about feeling the way I feel.
I’ve always been the kind of person who attract a lot of people. I think its because of my easy to get along personality. I don’t like drama, I’m honest and will be truthful with you, I’m everyone’s therapist, and I’ve always enjoyed good stories and real life lessons from different people.
Sometimes I feel people want too much from me. Since I turned 32 ((( now 51))) I have really, really, chilled from having company over. In my 20’s I had my good friends over and cousins and we would have a ball. I’m still close to EVERYONE of them, and they seem to know me well. I enjoy cooking collard greens, fried chicken, corn bread, corn on the cob and I would invite friends and family over and this would become a daily for me no matter what I’m cooking. I’m not that person today anymore because people have burnt me OUT! They expect for dinner to be made for them every day!!! Never bringing anything, always expecting. No company, NO DINNERS! DONE with that life forever!
I’m done raising my daughter, my only child. Most people I know, are still raising kids. My problem is, they seem to feel that just because I’m live alone that I have all day to talk to them over the phone, go places with them. I ENJOY having a empty nest. I can do whatever I want! These are the same people who cant wait for their kids to be grown and gone, so they can be alone, but seem to think I want to be bothered all the time. I enjoy my quiet time. I can cook whenever I want, eat what I want. Sleep all day, and jump in my car and go anywhere I want. I am far from lonely when all people want to do is call my phone, hop in my car, and sit on my couch while I listen to their stories all dayum day. I’m good! Done with that life forever!
I’m a Virgo, if you know anything about us, you know we love to be alone and do our own thing. We don’t need company, we dont need friends, we LOVE to be alone. YEs, we enjoy family and friends, and we often link up. But don’t make it seem as if I need company just because my house is empty, and STOP FEELING OFFENDED WHEN I TELL YOU IM GOING ALONE! Like tomorrow, I’m going to the movies in the morning ALONE, now if I mention it to anyone on any day, first thing out of their mouths is, “why didn’t you ask me to go with you”? As if I’m lonely, or ESPECIALLY acting funny and didn’t want to invite anyone. I’m grown, my daughter is gone and I can get in MYYYYYYYYYYY car and go anywhere I want to go. I don’t need company to go with me, and I shouldn’t have to feel that I’m “acting funny” for not inviting anyone. It pisses me off so bad. So now, I don’t tell anyone where I’m going, I just go. Now! They say, you don’t go anywhere…. NO THAT’S NOT IT, ITS THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU WOULD WANT TO GO WITH ME! **rolls eyes**
If I’m having a conversation about what we made for dinner, and I’ll say. I made collard greens, fried chicken, corn bread and corn on the cob, they would say…… ” Why didn’t you bring me some’? It would be in a tone where they feel that just because its MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and me alone eating dinner, that I made enough for them and who ever else. No! I made dinner for me to eat for 2 days. I don’t make dinner for 7 people just “in case” someone ask for a plate. Now, here is my thing. The good person in me what to cook dinner for others like I use too. But then people started depending on me. They wanted me to do it every week, or every time I made dinner. They would ask me what did you cook today? After a while, I was like wait, the very thing I enjoy doing for others, has turned into a burden for me. They expect for me to cook food daily, and when I would say I didn’t cook yesterday they were disappointed and made me feel some kinda way. So, I had to stop that altogether. DONE!
I love to drive and have no problem jumping in my car and going where I need and want to go. I have a friend who always get into debates with her sisters about whose going to drive where. Now me on the other hand LOVE to drive. I will again, jump in my car and go. But when I’m with this friend she always wants me to drive. It makes me mad because just because I enjoy driving doesn’t mean I want to drive because SHE wants and need to go somewhere. So, I stop dealing with her when it comes to going anywhere. You either want to go or NO! But as for meeeeeeee, I have the get up and go when it comes to me going where I want to go. I dont like that back and forth, I drove last time, its your turn. NOOOOOOOO, I’m going to drive my own car to the same place and you drive yours. I hate pettiness~!
Now, again, I’m going to the movies tomorrow, If I ask people who want to go, but didn’t go, their answer would be, because the drive is too far. Yes, its a 35 minute drive, but I love to drive, but if that’s the reason why you didn’t go, then you really wont be riding with me EVER! Here is why. When people see that you love to drive and is willing go whenever, they expect for you to always call them to invite them. These people will NEVER drive to see a movie because they dont feel like driving. I love to go alone, so I’ll never be asking anyone again unless its my mommy and daughter. Or I’m in a group setting.
I’m learning a lot about people and myself. I laugh sometimes, and sometimes I shake my head.
Many of you may or may not know that from 2006-2011 I started a gurls group in my home. Raisingurls To Women. Teenagers would meet every other Sunday after Church to talk about things that was going on in their lives. Peer pressure, divorce, school, friends, parents, personal issues and things like that. They loved it! I would listen to their personal stories, encourage them to speak and share testimonies that was going on in their lives. We had hotel parties, we went out to dinner as a group to talk in that settling. We had movie dates, we held fundraisers, celebrated birthdays, but more importantly we taught social skills.
I knew that these gurls would grow up to become adults and that they would need social skills to help them survive. I also keep up with ALL of them on FB. A few days ago I received a message from my niece telling me how what I did for them has impacted her life. Reading her message bought tears to my eyes. I was only doing what I loved to do. It has made me do research to start ANOTHER WOMEN’S GATHERING!
Before I started my teen group I was holding gatherings in my home for Women. We talked about relationships, God, children, family, work, and everything adult. In my life today, people are always coming to me for advice. I spend hours and hours with these people and when my niece sent me that message, it has started a spark in me. So many women are hurting from past hurts, and also present situations that causes them to go into deep depressions. See, I know God. I have a personal relationship with him and he is theeeeeeeeeeeee only way out. I dont have the gift to preach, but I am NO WAY afraid to share my testimonies, and to help women find their way.
Here is apart of the email that my niece sent to me! Wow Thank you Jesus. What a Blessing!
Yes auntie thank you. One thing that prepared me to want to speak was you from back in the day when you did the girls group. I started a women’s group in college and used your work sheets I still had n the group is still going the girls love it. I want to open a homeless shelter for you that have no where to go after 18. That’s another goal. I thank you for doing what it is you did when I was young. You never know how much you impact a persons life and you did.
You don’t know how much it helped deal with stuff and gave me courage to speak up for myself. Yes women need other women to help them overcome a lot. Auntie get out there we need women like you to help guide younger women. We have so many youth scared to be different and not be okay with life because it’s not normal and the struggle with being accepted and that’s when they use their bodies. You taught me so much you wouldn’t understand.
This is for someone.
Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Good Sunday Morning Family!
I finally had some good rest last night. I found out Black Panther was on Netflix so
I watched that for the 50th time. Took a nap, woke up, made me 2 Bologna sandwiches for dinner. I was planning to make spaghetti, but I just didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I didn’t with all that sleep I was getting. Not to mention I still haven’t finished the Bobby Brown story. I tried to watch it at least 7 times days before, I just couldn’t get into it. I’m off tonight so I guess I’ll finish it.
Every now and then I love to look back on my younger days and think about things that I would have done differently, or to ask myself why did I do things that way. As I look back on my pregnancy, I wish I had been kinder to my daughters father. I was so mean to him about any and everything. I was angry that he had gotten himself a car, and was working a lot and couldn’t spend more time with me. Looking back, it wasn’t all that serious for the things I was mad at him for.
I can’t help but wonder why I was so angry? I was so mean to him that my parents use to say, you’re going to run him away. But looking back on it, I was angry at my past situation. I was angry because when I was 17 I was raped by my ex boyfriend. I wasn’t ready for sex at all. Wasn’t even thinking about it and my ex boyfriend knew that.
I met my daughters father just after my 18th birthday. Looking back I see that I carried that hurt and pain of being raped into my new relationship. I kept it a secret, and never told anyone. I didn’t know that my pain was the reason why I was so mean to my new boyfriend and to the people in my life. I was mean to everybody. Even though I wasn’t ready to have sex, I had it with my new boyfriend because I didn’t want my ex to be the last person in me. (((((Wow, that was hard to write.)))) But it was my thought process back then. About 4 months later or sooner, I got pregnant.
I’m so glad that I got to deal with that rape and got to ask the man who raped me, questions that I always wanted answered. He answered them all. Here is that story if you want to go back and read it.
Part 1 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-1blog/
Part 2 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-2blog/
Part 3 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/08/my-story-of-forgiveness-rape-3blog/
Looking back on your younger self can help you understand why you do the things you do. Why you react the way you do. Why you think the way you do. Why you feel the way you feel. Looking back has helped me dearly to be able to live a better life.
Today, look back on your life and ask your younger self, how can I be better today than I was “yesterday”.
My Birthday was Sep 3 and I turned 51! Wow Thank you Jesus. I remember when I was younger saying how old 50 was. Now that I’m that age, I am NOT old… I AM STILL YOUNG AND LEARNING! This is the age where you just start to LIVE! And I really mean that.
You come to a place and time in your life where you know what’s important, who is for you. You watch what you say and do because at this age you don’t want to pay for any silly immature consequences. You are slow to speak, and LOVE to keep quiet and just watch it go down ((( cause aint nothing you can do about it anyway))). This is the age where you want more of God, less of the world and more PEACE. You don’t want to fall out with anyone, I’m not mad at anyone, want to argue and debate, just go to work, come home and enjoy the rest of my days in PEACE AND LOVE. This is where I am in my life.
Now look, I have one child. My daughter was born on my Birthday Sep 3. She turned 32. So, a week before our birthday she told me that she was taking me out to dinner along with her boyfriend. I was happy and couldn’t wait for the day.
That day came and I was talking to my mother on the phone, I had planned to go see her (( she lives directly around the corner from me)) and then when it was time to go to dinner, I could leave from her place. She told me that she wanted to going with us, but felt that me and my daughter should go. Then she said, well, I’m going to get off this phone and lay down for a few. I told her okay, well I’ll see her the next day for my birthday.
Not long after that, my daughter texted me and asked me did I mind of grandma and granddad go with us, and if I could pick them up. I was excited because I knew my mom wanted to go. My dad even said he would go. I called my mom and she said that my daughter asked them to go with us. I was happy. I love my family because we always get together. Then, I jumped on the phone and called my Sister Peedie and ask her what she and her husband doing? She said they had just finished eating pizza and that they were relaxing for the evening. I said okay, well talk to you later.
Time came to pick up my parents and we were on our way. My daughter called me as we were driving to say, stay in the car until we pull up so that we could be seated together. Okay cool. She and her boyfriend arrived and we all got out the car. As my daughter opened the door for us (( somehow I was first, I’m usually last especially with my parents)) which leads to the first sitting area, I walked in and my whole family was sitting there smiling and looking at me. Took me a second to realize what and who I was seeing.
There WAS MY SISTER PEEDIE, HER HUSBAND, MY NIECES THEIR BOYFRIENDS, MY NEPHEWS, MY BROTHER HIS GIRLFRIEND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND OUT DONE Plus my parents, my daughter and her boyfriend, 16 of us. They planned this for a month!!! I remember just staring at my sister Peedie cause she just told me on the phone that she had dinner and was relaxing for the day. Took me a second to realize that she was actually there. I had tears in my eyes to see MY FAMILY!! My daughter got me good. They all got hugs and kisses and my sneaky daughter I’m going to get her! And lots of MONEY AND GIFTS!!! That was truly amazing what my daughter did for me, and its her Birthday too! WE sat down together had dinner, drinks, and lots of laughs. Thank you Jesus for my family. I truly appreciate it and enjoyed myself.
Well, I’m down to my last 2 days of my 10 day vacation! I had a good time. I went to dinner, to the movies, hung out at the park talking to my sister and relaxing on the Detroit River several days, went to my first NFL game to see The Detroit Lions play LIVE and had FRONT ROW SEATS, washed clothes, cleaned up, relaxed, shopping tomorrow and to the DETROIT RIVER, then back to work on Friday!
Thank you Lord for another YEAR
Here are some notes from a book that I’m reading. I found them interesting enough to share.
- One should become impersonal and learn what each man has to teach him, and soon he would learn his lessons and be free.
- No man can attract money if he despises it.
- The attitude of mind, of course, separates man from his supply. He must be in harmony with a thing in order to attract it.
- I know a woman who went about bragging of her own troubles, so of course, she always had something to brag about.
- God is my supply for every demand.
- Man, himself, limits his supply by his limited vision.
- Vision and action must go hand and hand.
- Many people have attracted disease and unhappiness though condemnation of others.
- What man condemns in others, he attracts to himself.
- Man pins his Faith to one channel only, and dictates just the way he desires the manifestation to come, which brings things to a standstill. My way not your way is the Command of God!