Good Sunday Morning Family!
I finally had some good rest last night. I found out Black Panther was on Netflix so
I watched that for the 50th time. Took a nap, woke up, made me 2 Bologna sandwiches for dinner. I was planning to make spaghetti, but I just didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I didn’t with all that sleep I was getting. Not to mention I still haven’t finished the Bobby Brown story. I tried to watch it at least 7 times days before, I just couldn’t get into it. I’m off tonight so I guess I’ll finish it.
Every now and then I love to look back on my younger days and think about things that I would have done differently, or to ask myself why did I do things that way. As I look back on my pregnancy, I wish I had been kinder to my daughters father. I was so mean to him about any and everything. I was angry that he had gotten himself a car, and was working a lot and couldn’t spend more time with me. Looking back, it wasn’t all that serious for the things I was mad at him for.
I can’t help but wonder why I was so angry? I was so mean to him that my parents use to say, you’re going to run him away. But looking back on it, I was angry at my past situation. I was angry because when I was 17 I was raped by my ex boyfriend. I wasn’t ready for sex at all. Wasn’t even thinking about it and my ex boyfriend knew that.
I met my daughters father just after my 18th birthday. Looking back I see that I carried that hurt and pain of being raped into my new relationship. I kept it a secret, and never told anyone. I didn’t know that my pain was the reason why I was so mean to my new boyfriend and to the people in my life. I was mean to everybody. Even though I wasn’t ready to have sex, I had it with my new boyfriend because I didn’t want my ex to be the last person in me. (((((Wow, that was hard to write.)))) But it was my thought process back then. About 4 months later or sooner, I got pregnant.
I’m so glad that I got to deal with that rape and got to ask the man who raped me, questions that I always wanted answered. He answered them all. Here is that story if you want to go back and read it.
Part 1 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-1blog/
Part 2 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/07/my-story-of-forgivenesspart-2blog/
Part 3 https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/10/08/my-story-of-forgiveness-rape-3blog/
Looking back on your younger self can help you understand why you do the things you do. Why you react the way you do. Why you think the way you do. Why you feel the way you feel. Looking back has helped me dearly to be able to live a better life.
Today, look back on your life and ask your younger self, how can I be better today than I was “yesterday”.
Today was a breakthrough day for me. A huge breakthrough. One of the biggest of my life. This post is probably my History. Well, you know I have been struggling with the fact that I was raped as a virgin when I was 17, he was 18, now he’s 43, by a boyfriend at the time. To this day I still can’t believe it happened. After that happened, I saw him a few times after that, but wanted to forget it even happened. My family moved and I never wanted to see him again. I met someone right after the rape and had a baby. For years he said she was his. But he really knew better. For years I hid it in the back of my mind, tried to live my life. But as my life slowed down I began to think about my past. Yes, it took years later, but it came back to me.
For years I always knew his whereabouts because I know his whole family and keep in contact with his brother. Just so happen when we called ourselves boyfriend and gurlfriend, he had another gurlfriend who I found out about later. When we were comparing notes about him, we became close and very good friends. It’s crazy I know, but we always kept in touch, even if we hadn’t talked to each other for years. He knew it, but he didn’t care. lol She had one child, which is his son who is now about 23 years old. Back in the day we would sit all day and share stories about how abusive he was to the both of us. We fought, they fought, he raped me, and he raped her several times. He did awful things to her and to me. There is so much, it’s not even to share. Years and years and years passed I never had contact with him.
He was always in trouble about something, always abusive, and finally was sent to jail for something he did to someone. Aint gon lie, I was happy he was in jail, especially after thinking about what he did to me, he deserved it, he was really off the hook. When he was supposed to be released I was hoping he would stay in longer, and he did. Months before he was to be released, me and his ex gurlfriend got back in contact with each other. She told me that she went to visit him often, and that’s when they decided to get married. Yes, in JAIL! I was very shocked by that, but not really thinking back on it. She loved him and always loved him more than any of the women he’s been with. He even got married on her, she still loved him.
As far as I was concerned, I never wanted to see him again. But I knew one day he would come home and by me and her being friends he would want to talk to me.
Today was that day.
She and I are friends on Facebook, so she sent me an email and said for me to call her, and that her husband was finally home. My heart started beating when I read that line. I was happy for her, because that is what she wanted. But at the same time, I started thinking about what he did to me. So I never called her. Today, I was looking at my friends on my Facebook page, saw her photo, sat here for a minute and finally decided to * gone and get it over with*. I made up my mind to finally call her. She answered the phone, and was very happy to hear from me. After a few minutes I asked her how did she feel about her hubby finally being home. No sooner than I said that, she said he’s right here he wants to talk to you. My heart was beating, here I am about to risk it all ( mentally) and talk to this man who raped me and took my virginity away from me, left me bleeding in my own back yard, late at night. This man is not a stranger, he’s someone who is in my circle of friends. I have to talk to him for myself. I have to stop thinking about this everyday. I have to hear his voice to see where his head was at. I need to hold on to any word and grab for myself anything that could heal me and help me to get over this.
He grabbed the phone from her, and first thing he said was …………Hello how are you? I was so nervous. I knew that I had to do this to get it over with. This was so weird for me, but its been a long time coming. I said I’m doing good and you? (My heart was pumping so fast). He told me that he was fine and doing good, and that he was happy to be home. He also said that he has gotten very close to God, and that he is a changed man. He talked about God for a long time, which made me COMFORTABLE for some reason.Then I went into (Virgo) mode and started asking all these questions. ( Sometimes I make myself sick doing this), but I have to get healing from this, I can’t go through life thinking about this another day, month or year. I asked him…. what does HE believe God let him out to do? He told me to “get his family together”. I guess things happened while he was locked up and God told him that he would be the one to get everyone on one accord. He spoke with such humbleness, nothing like he use to be at 17 years old. And in the middle of one of his many conversations……… I knew that he was sorry for what he did to me. I knew it. I felt it. I didn’t need for him to explain to me why he did it, ( he admitted many times to me in the past what he did to me). I didn’t want him to go in details of how SORRY he was. I felt instantly in my heart that he was truly Sorry for what he had done. I felt it. I forgave him.
Today is June 1, 2010, I kept this entry private because I didn’t finish it that night I started it.I was too emotional and wasn’t sure if I should post it. Its been almost 6 months and I havent thought about that night. I just needed to talk to him for myself to see where his head was, and it bought me healing in the mist. He emailed me and told me that he was in Church now, and that he and his wife ( my friend) is doing sooooooooo good. I’m happy to hear that. I’m happy, no matter what he did to me, God is a forgiving God, and he loves us. We have to forgive in order to move on. I have my whole life ahead of me, I want to get married and LOVE AGAIN!!! Lord, Thank You for my healing, and for another Soul coming to you!! I no longer have to hold on to this.
I know I need to be in bed right now, but I’m only working 4 hours tomorrow so I decided to stay up and blog. I have been blogging since 2003, and for some reason I don’t see an end to it at all. A good friend of mines who I met on the Anita Baker Message Board in 2003 turned me on to Yahoo 360. As of July 13 2009, that site has been deleted. To date I have over 400 blog entries and I really love it. A lot of times I would start to blog and I get writers block. I can have hundreds of thoughts that pass my mind that I would love to write on, bit as soon as I get on this site it just disappear.
This guy that I met a few years ago came through my line yesterday. Let me go back when I met him he was with this white gurl and he said that she was just his friend. But see when he gave me his number to call him she was on the store shopping. And when it was time to pay he made sure she didn’t come through my line. Anyway we talked that night, had a good conversation. We we talking and asking questions come to find out he use to date this gurl who use to stay with me when her mom put her out. I had to be about 25. He would come over to pick up this gurl and they would go places. She introduced me to him and that was it. Fast forward to now 17 years later this guy that I met is HIM. In my mind I don’t want to date anyone that my friend knows. I don’t care if he’sBrad Pitt I’m just not comfortable with that. That’s all I have to say about that. I don’t want to go inside my mind and figure out why……….. I’m just not feeling that. So after he called me and called me and called me. I got my number changed and he couldn’t get in touch with me anymore. I never told him why I did a Whoodini, I just did. Yesterday this guy comes through my line and he’s looking at me, and I’m looking at him. Im like dayummmmmmmmmm he fione. It wasnt his turn yet but I had my eye on him. When it was turn we made small talked, * he looked at my hand* which I was wearing the birthstone that my mom boughtme with diamonds in it. So, after a second of small talk, he looked at me and said * you still don’t remember me do you*? I was real at attention then. ( lol). He said I’m *such and such*. My mouth almost opened and hit the floor, but I didn’t look shocked …..I hope I didn’t. He wasn’t even pressed by me * lol*. He paid for his things and he left!!!! Wow→ he was looking good!!! But willI’ll talk to him in that kinda way………..as the gurl on Coming to America Says……….Naaaaaaaa.•
Yesterday me and Neisha were out riding and I was talking to a stranger again when she gave me this eye signal to come on because someone looked suspicious. I read her eyes cut the conversation short we got in the car and left. This gurl doesn’t miss a beat, when she becomes a Attorney it will be well deserved……….the gurl is bad and full of Godly Wisdom. She told me all the things she would have done to this guy had he been up to something, and poor me blink out and thought about how much I admire her because for the life of me I can’t see myself hurting a bee. Which lead to another *video* that played in my head about me being molested when I was a young gurl. I remembered just laying there wondering what in the world was going on while me parents enjoy a nice night at the drive in. This guy was my dad’s cousin. When he pulled me out of my bed and put me into another one * it was 4 of us * I remember him pulling off my panties and throwing them. He got on top of me and rub himself on me. I was so scared I tricked him and told him that I heard my parents coming in the door. He got up and went back down stairs. The next day, I went right next door to my bestfriends house and told them what happened. And the part that makes me mad at myself is I didn’t tell them as a victim, but as a person who was stupid and didn’t know what was going on. I think about that all the time and get so mad. The person that I am today I would neverrrrrrrrr want this out. Dunno why I’m even posting this, maybe it was on my mind tough. Anyway when I see that family I think of what I told them. I must have been young. Then it happened 2 times with their older brother. So now that I’m grown I’m thinking……..did they tell him and he saw opportunity to do it too? Every time I saw this brother he was always smiling at me, and looking at me like he wanted to take me in the room and do all kinds of things to me. I fucking hated him. That grim reaper smile, and he had the nerve to be best buds with my dad. And sometimes I wonder why he didn’t see it? That’s another thing that pisses me off to no end. How don’t you know when your friend wants to fuck your daughter? I never told anyone about what he did to me, all the things he said to me and how he use to want to babysit us so he could get me alone. Why the hell can’t kids be kids? Its always somebody wanting a turn to get at you, to plot against you. What feeling could you possibly get by rubbing the vagina of a young 13 year old. He’s in jail for murder and I hope he never gets to come home.
Sometimes I ask God why did this have to happen to me? Not saying it should have happened to someone else, but why me? What was God thinking when this was going on? Why didn’t he do something to stop it? When I think about this, I just don’t understand for the 41 years on life in me.
Then when I was 17 I was going with this guy, we never did anything and he use to spend a lot of time with me. I loved him because he was tall, handsome, thick and was soooooo silly. One late night we were sitting in my dad’s car talking like we always did. We got out of the car and as he was leaving I was giving him a hug and a kiss, he grabbed me and dragged me into my back yard. It was like a demon had gotten into him. He wouldn’t let me go. He was so tall and so cocky I couldn’t do anything with him. He threw me up against my house and pulled down my pants. Once inside my panties he stuck his fingers so deep in me that it shut down my mind. I was so in shock I couldn’t scream. My daddy was calling me * Ill never for get it* and I was too afraid to say anything, my dad would have been in jail and killed him. Once his fingers were in me, he pulled me down to the ground and raped me. I looked up to the sky and zone completely out. After it was over he pulled his pants up and left. I stayed there laying on the ground in my * spooky dark* backyard wondering what the hell am I going to tell my daddy for not answering him when he called. I finally got up, I was bleeding so bad and felt so dirty that I know I had to have been walking like a zombie. When I finished showering my parents still never knew what happened to me. I was a virgin never been with anyone. Sometimes I wondered did this happen because I bragged about it. I never wanted to see him again. Then weeks later he saw me, my heart was beating so fast. He walked up to me and said………….*why didn’t you tell me you were on your period*. Every time I think about that shyt I get pissed off.On my period you fucking stupid b**** I don’t think so.
Going to bed goodnight.