I slept upstairs for the first time in years. It’s so pretty up there and I never sleep there at all. I’m a couch gurl, ( until I’m married). Thank you Lord for waking me up and starting me on my way.
This morning I got up and went to the Detroit River, for my morning with my daddy ( God). I grabbed CD’s and other things and I had a good time again. I dunno what I’m going to do in the winter time. LOL But anyway, I had a wonderful time. I sat and watched a squirrel eat some french fries that was in the garbage.LOL I have video footage for you all.
I came home and my dad was calling. Still talking to me as if I live in his home, and still a kid. Since he and my mom separated he feels that we should be at this house everyday, bringing him food, cleaning his house,bringing him Liquor, and waiting on him hand and foot. My dad made my life miserable growing up. I let that bother me for years and years.I’m so over him now!!! I was the kinda kid that didn’t require all that fussing with smacking in the face, hollering at, because I get things even if I have to be left alone for a coupla hours. Now, I know why he “picked” on me so much. I saw how he manipulated my mother, me, his own sisters and brothers,my siblings, everyone. I was the first to see it, and since we were allowed to express ourselves without being disrespectful. I use to always ask him the questions that would force him to mirror himself, AND HE HATED IT!
When he first said Hello …… I could tell what kinda mood he was in…. I said hey daddy. He said why you didn’t tell Neisha to call me when she got in from Ohio on Sunday? My first thought was……….okay he’s in one of his arguing moods. So, me being nice, trying with all my might, not to make my voice sound Non-confrontational. He press the issue, and I say well daddy she got home late, he said “So what you didn’t tell her!” Now, I’m looking at the phone like……….are you for real? Once he sees me quiet, he goes elsewhere. He said, I need somebody to come ova here and clean my house up. I said daddy! You had a house keeper that was cleaning up your house for you and getting paid by the state. You told her that you wanted half of the money ( that’s how he is) and she told you BYE! I said daddy you can’t do that. I said why do you feel that you should get half when you are the first to claim that your back hurts, and you can’t hardly walk? I’m saying all this in a nice tone, trying to get him to listen to what I’m saying. I say daddy, your apartment shouldnt be as messy as it is, you’re the only one living there. All you have to do is after you finish eating, take your plate, cup, fork/spoon and wash it out. Then he says” I CANT DO THAT, IM TOO WEAK ( aint nothing wrong with him, he’s so use to us running over and do it for him) I CANT STAND THERE AND WASH NO DAYUM DISHES!! You hollering that same s*** na and peedie ( my sisters ) told me. I said daddy, you can’t get no less than one person living in your apartment. I said daddy, okay, since you said you can’t do it ( and the doctor never diagnosed him as cant do anything) pray and ask God for strength to help you to wash the one dish, pots, fork/spoon, cup. Then he gon SCREAM “GOT DAMMIT DIDNT I TELL YOU I COULDNT DO IT? I said daddy, I know you can’t ( yes he can) but when you ask God you wont be using your own strength, you’ll be using God’s. Then he gon say…. “WELL WHY THE CRIPPLE PEOPLE DON’T ASK GOD FOR HELP?…… I said to myself………..that’s it. I can’t mess with him. He will cause me to sin. Just then his line beeped ( YES!!!!) and he said imma call you back. Then he calls back and tries to nut up on me. I’m telling you, I love my daddy, but he’s too much for me. Last week, he called me asking,…”What you cook”? I said nothing today, Neisha is gone (OHIO) and its”go for what you know” day. Then he says… Well every time I call my 4 kids they aint neva cooking, yall lazy!!! When I was growing up my grandmother cooked everyday. I said okay daddy….. that’s cool. But our kids are all grown except Ganell and she’s a Cook herself, she’s 16 years old. We don’t have babies in our family. Then he says “I DONT GIVE A DAYUM, YALL JUST LAZY, YALL DONT NEVER COOK, THAT DONT MAKE NO DAYUM SENSE.” Something in my mind just wanna snap, cause I had to deal with this until I moved out at 22, and then still he would call me and “terrorize” me with things he knew I needed him to help me with. Me, still being nice and respectable……..says to him, “Well daddy is it that you want someone to bring you a plate? He says YEA, I MEAN ……DAYUM………. yall don’t neva cook!!! I say, well why didn’t you just say that in the first place, instead of dogging us out because all of our kids are grown and we HAVE CHOICES to cook or not to cook? . When he gets mad at me, he says. “WHEN I DIE, DONT COME TO MY FUNERAL” I just shake my head and be like…….. okay daddy…. talk to you later. I’m use to all of that. I made a vow to myself I would love my baby, and treat her with respect. What I went through with him, taught me good!!! I raised Neisha totally different from how he treated me. I hate that I can come from a morning visit with God, and come home to a phone call and throw off my whole day. I hate when he has that kinda power. Being in his presence …..is so hard for me sometimes.Then he wants to know why I’m the only child of his that hardly comes over. He wont quit with the abusive words and foul language. He called the other day and said….. what yall eat today? I said we went out to dinner. He said YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, IM OVA HERE EATING SPAGHETTI FOR 3 DAYUM DAYS IN A ROW (exaggerate) AND YALL WENT OUT TO DINNER? I just held the phone………. I cant do it anymore.
I use to be on punishments for summers and summers at a time!! I could never play with my friends. He never let up on me and my sister who is under me. She’ll get him told now, she does NOT play. I’ll just be like…… I’ll talk to you later daddy. My Sister married her high school sweetheart. They own about 12 houses, he has a heating and cooling company, and she’s an accounting for the city of Detroit, plus they live in a half million dollar home. My daddy feel that since they are doing well, that they suppose to run ova there whenever he wants something. They did it for years, he dogged them out. He still wants more, and more, and more, and more! I feel bad for him. Then he says ” I AINT CHANGING FOR NOBODY, THIS IS HOW IM GONE DIE”. That mentality kills, and burns me up!! When he gets mad at me, he will call up all my siblings and my momma and tell them. He does the same to them. Now are so use to this I’ll be like………. okay. I’m not about to disrespect my daddy, so I don’t deal with him as much. We talk 6 times a week probably more, cause he will blow your phone up! LOL But to go and sit in his messy house………. I don’t thank so. I take him to the doctor, store, our family functions……. but he drains me. He still has this control over me that drives me crazy…..even @ 42 years old. Lord, forgive me. I rather stay away, and keep points off my record with God, than to be in his presence and allowing him to continue the mental abuse !!
I needed to vent!!! I feel better too. I’ll be back with my next entry…….. A good one……more positive!!