laughing at myself…Cree’s Blog Entry

40 PLUSI’m laughing at myself tonight. Today on FB, I posted a video of me driving downtown to the River walk from my apartment and couldn’t decide if I wanted to make it private or to share it. I knew that if I shared it, someone was going to call me and say… ” why didn’t you ask me to go downtown with you”. 

No more than 10 minutes afterward, my momma called me and said ” I see you went downtown today huh”? ( I use to take her riding all the time before I moved downtown.) Feeling guilty…. I said “momma that video is 3 weeks old”… dayum I feel so bad that I lied. So bad. But I don’t want to hear her say.. you know I would have liked to go riding. Then my Sister called, and said yeah you went downtown today huh? I told her the same thing, (((what’s wrong with me)))), but then I told her the truth. Then I started thinking where did this come from? I KNOW where, but that’s a different story. 

Thing is I know they’re not trying to make me feel bad, its that they want to be with me. Me and my mommy are very close, and by us living apart, she really misses me. So after lying to her today…. I made a date with her for Monday to go downtown, to take a walk on the River Walk… she’s happy. But I still feel bad for lying, this is nothing to lie about. I do this all the time. And I TOOK THE VIDEO DOWN. SMH I think I feel bad because I’m happy and have Peace, and don’t want to share it. Not that my family and friends don’t bring Peace. I just enjoy doing things alone.

This is what people don’t know, or seem to FORGET about me. I have always been the fun gurl. The one who can make you laugh, can gather a group together and all be on the same page, I love to have a good time. In my 20’s I use to throw a backyard party every month. People would stop me on the street and say.. you’re that gurl who throw those parties? If I wasn’t throwing parties I was at a cabaret, or club. I went out 5-6 times a week. I have been all over clubbing. Hosting hustle parties, playing cards drinking and talking junk all night until daylight. This was every other night. 

I enjoy being alone now. I like to get cute, get in my car and go. I feel so bad, that I feel this way. And let me say this… its not that I don’t want to be with anyone, its just that I enjoy being alone. I know if my mom come with me, I would have a good time. I know that if I call a friend to go, we would laugh it up sitting at the Detroit River. I know this. And I have nothing against anyone….. I’m the kind of person that enjoys myself. I’m always thinking about the next person…..but I must say. I have to learn how to share myself. I notice that I am very selfish when it comes to me. Now I’m starting to see my daughter like this…. not good. 

I just planned my trip to Atlanta next year. I want to go alone, but I know someone is going to want to go with me. Of course I’m going to say yes, and I know we’re going to have a great time… thing is… I really could take this trip alone and feel so good. How did I get to this place? There was a time when I wouldn’t DO ANYTHING ALONE! LOL LOL… But along with my Anger issues, I’m promising myself to work on this too.
My dad called me tonight and went off on me because I haven’t called him in 2 days… OH BOY…

Okay, so on Monday I’m going to tell my momma the truth…. I’m going to call my daddy every other day…and I’m going to spend more time with my friends. I love them all, I just realized that I spent a lot of time entertaining them in the past, I now enjoy entertaining myself. 

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

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