My Vent!

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Hey Family!

Wow what a month!!! So, I guess this will be my “vent” blog. I know I can’t be the only one going through something like what I’m about to write about. Sometimes I dunno how to feel about how I feel. Or even if I’m “right” about feeling the way I feel.

I’ve always been the kind of person who attract a lot of people. I think its because of my easy to get along personality. I don’t like drama, I’m honest and will be truthful with you, I’m everyone’s therapist, and I’ve always enjoyed good stories and real life lessons from different people.

Sometimes I feel people want too much from me. Since I turned 32 ((( now 51))) I have really, really, chilled from having company over. In my 20’s I had my good friends over and cousins and we would have a ball. I’m still close to EVERYONE of them, and they seem to know me well. I enjoy cooking collard greens, fried chicken, corn bread, corn on the cob and I would invite friends and family over and this would become a daily for me no matter what I’m cooking. I’m not that person today anymore because people have burnt me OUT! They expect for dinner to be made for them every day!!! Never bringing anything, always expecting. No company, NO DINNERS! DONE with that life forever!

I’m done raising my daughter, my only child. Most people I know, are still raising kids. My problem is, they seem to feel that just because I’m live alone that I have all day to talk to them over the phone, go places with them. I ENJOY having a empty nest. I can do whatever I want! These are the same people who cant wait for their kids to be grown and gone, so they can be alone, but seem to think I want to be bothered all the time. I enjoy my quiet time. I can cook whenever I want, eat what I want. Sleep all day, and jump in my car and go anywhere I want. I am far from lonely when all people want to do is call my phone, hop in my car, and sit on my couch while I listen to their stories all dayum day. I’m good! Done with that life forever!

I’m a Virgo, if you know anything about us, you know we love to be alone and do our own thing. We don’t need company, we dont need friends, we LOVE to be alone. YEs, we enjoy family and friends, and we often link up. But don’t make it seem as if I need company just because my house is empty, and STOP FEELING OFFENDED WHEN I TELL YOU IM GOING ALONE! Like tomorrow, I’m going to the movies in the morning ALONE, now if I mention it to anyone on any day, first thing out of their mouths is, “why didn’t you ask me to go with you”? As if I’m lonely, or ESPECIALLY acting funny and didn’t want to invite anyone. I’m grown, my daughter is gone and I can get in MYYYYYYYYYYY car and go anywhere I want to go. I don’t need company to go with me, and I shouldn’t have to feel that I’m “acting funny” for not inviting anyone. It pisses me off so bad. So now, I don’t tell anyone where I’m going, I just go. Now! They say, you don’t go anywhere…. NO THAT’S NOT IT, ITS THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU WOULD WANT TO GO WITH ME! **rolls eyes**

If I’m having a conversation about what we made for dinner, and I’ll say. I made collard greens, fried chicken, corn bread and corn on the cob, they would say…… ” Why didn’t you bring me some’? It would be in a tone where they feel that just because its MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and me alone eating dinner, that I made enough for them and who ever else. No! I made dinner for me to eat for 2 days. I don’t make dinner for 7 people just “in case” someone ask for a plate. Now, here is my thing. The good person in me what to cook dinner for others like I use too. But then people started depending on me. They wanted me to do it every week, or every time I made dinner. They would ask me what did you cook today? After a while, I was like wait, the very thing I enjoy doing for others, has turned into a burden for me. They expect for me to cook food daily, and when I would say I didn’t cook yesterday they were disappointed and made me feel some kinda way. So, I had to stop that altogether. DONE!

I love to drive and have no problem jumping in my car and going where I need and want to go. I have a friend who always get into debates with her sisters about whose going to drive where. Now me on the other hand LOVE to drive. I will again, jump in my car and go. But when I’m with this friend she always wants me to drive. It makes me mad because just because I enjoy driving doesn’t mean I want to drive because SHE wants and need to go somewhere. So, I stop dealing with her when it comes to going anywhere. You either want to go or NO!  But as for meeeeeeee, I have the get up and go when it comes to me going where I want to go. I dont like that back and forth, I drove last time, its your turn. NOOOOOOOO, I’m going to drive my own car to the same place and you drive yours. I hate pettiness~!

Now, again, I’m going to the movies tomorrow, If I ask people who want to go, but didn’t go, their answer would be, because the drive is too far. Yes, its a 35 minute drive, but I love to drive, but if that’s the reason why you didn’t go, then you really wont be riding with me EVER! Here is why. When people see that you love to drive and is willing go whenever, they expect for you to always call them to invite them. These people will NEVER drive to see a movie because they dont feel like driving. I love to go alone, so I’ll never be asking anyone again unless its my mommy and daughter. Or I’m in a group setting.

I’m learning a lot about people and myself. I laugh sometimes, and sometimes I shake my head.

You { Murderer }

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What I Learned About Myself in 2017/BLOG 1

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This year I have purposely taken the time out to get to know myself. I did that by paying attention to the things I like and to what I don’t like. It has helped me to give attention to those things that are important to me, and to leave those things that are not. I am really proud of myself, because I took the time to focus on ME. I’m always, always loving on others and being their biggest cheerleader, when I learned that I need to find out what it is that makes me ……La’Crease J. Walker.

I had to ask God, why do I love being alone so much? My friends always ask when are you going to do lunch or dinner? I love my friends and I would love to go and eat (( are you kidding me)) I realized that I’m more of a listener than a person who have something to share. I find myself having to be in the mood to listen, and when I think about that sometimes, I just want to stay HOME. I believe that I am just so boring and wonder why people always want to be around me. I am funny and very silly, but still I’m very boring.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had company at my place. I love to cook for my friends, and love to talk junk and laugh. When I started driving at 32, I no longer wanted to have company over, because I wanted to be out and about. I didn’t want to go over to anyone’s place,  I wanted to travel. I wanted to go to concerts, and plays. No one wanted to do that. They wanted to sit up and play cards, drink, or go out clubbing. I had a car, I didn’t want to sit in my house anymore and that’s when I had to start regrouping  myself. God showed me that when I had company everyday (( and there is NOTHING wrong with that)) that I was training people how to treat me. I did enjoy my company. But things changed in me when I started driving. And that’s okay too.

Then there came a time when I wanted to travel and go to concerts. I realized many years later, that those same people didn’t want to go to the concerts I liked. And that was cool too. I was traveling to Atlanta and Chicago a lot with OTHER friends. I went to Universal Studios in Florida 2 times stayed a whole week, that wasn’t with my card playing friends, it was with others. I traveled to New York 3 times with other friends. I went on a cruise this year for a week, and when I wanted to go back for next year, there were problems with friends. Its always so important to find like minded friends to do the things you like to do in life.

As time when by, I had to learn to travel alone. I will hop in my car and go to Atlanta so quick by myself. I’ll ask once, maybe twice, but after that I’m gone. I have went to so many plays and concerts alone. I go out to dinner and the movies alone. I got tired of begging people to do things with me, if they couldn’t go I had to branch out there and do it alone.

One thing that I notice about myself… is when I do go out with friends to a movie, dinner, concert, or anything else… I HAVE A BALL!!! I have always, ALWAYS. ALWAYS had fun.

So for 2018, my goal is to do more with my friends. I love my friends. I’m just a NERD right now and it has nothing to do WITH THEM AT ALL…. it has everything do to with MEEEEEEE. I promise to initiate dinner, movies, a concert or play with them. I have figured out why I was “crazy person” with them, now its time to realize that they love me and I love them and time is ticking for all of us. And at the end of the day, I can go home and BE ALONE! That’s the great part!

Chopin Script Regular