My story of FORGIVENESS-RAPE 4/FINAL/BLOG

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That night after work, I went home and thought about what can make him come to the conclusion that my daughter was his daughter. I asked God to please tell me why is this man telling people this. And why would a person brag on having a child with someone, when they RAPED them and got them pregnant? What is that to brag on?

 Fast forward to this year when I went to see him, he asked me flat out was my daughter his daughter? He told me that he told all of his kids that he has a daughter out that and that he wanted them to meet her. I explained to him that its no way my daughter was his daughter and for him to stop saying that. Later on that night, I went to bed and prayed about it asking God to show me what am I missing to make him feel that my daughter his his child?  This man REALLY BELIEVES THIS OOOOOOOOO MY GOODNESS.. I promise if anyone says there is no God,, they deceive themselves. God took me way back to the days and went over everything. He bought back so many memories that I blocked out of my mind. I guess I didn’t want to think about it or even deal with that anymore and never thought it through. But I wanted to tell this man NO SHE’S NOT YOURS and have proof.

So, I laid there and started thinking. He raped me in August of 1985. I met my daughters father in September when I turned 18. I got pregnant in December 1985. And had my daughter on MY BIRTHDAY Sep 3, 1986. So I know for a fact that I wasn’t pregnant for 12 months… that already disqualifies him. BUT.. THIS IS THE PART THAT GOD MADE ME UNDERSTAND. He said LaCrease… when you stopped seeing your ex boyfriend and your dad moved the family to another home, he was NOT allowed to see you again. I was like OKAY.. So when he found out that you were pregnant,, he AUTOMATICALLY assumed that she was his child. THEN…… to top things off. God spoke to me saying…. you named your daughter MARNEISHIA.. BECAUSE HER DAD NAME IS MARTO. (( MAR))… THEN TO  MAKE  MATTERS EVEN ( WORST) COMPLICATED… my ex boyfriend name BEGINS with ((MAR)) AS WELL!!! I was soooooooooooooooo amazed how God spoke that to me. Explaining how my ex really thought and RIGHTFULLY that my daughter was his. I had to remember that I MOVED AWAY.. AND HE NEVER SAW ME AGAIN… SO WHEN HE HEARD I HAD A BABY AND FOUND OUT HER NAME… HE carried that in his mind and heart all his life. I finally got it. THANK YOU JESUS. This helped me to explain to him (( my ex)) what God had spoken to me. And he got it!

I found myself calling my ex everyday this year just to ask him questions about that night. Its like I became obsessed with him answering my questions with TRUTH and HONESTY. He was humble, he remembered every single conversation and detail about that night, and it made me feel comfortable. But after a month or MORE, he asked me.. “can we have a conversation without you asking about that night. He was right. Very right. He had been very patient with me, never making me feel any kind of way at all. He gave me everything and more. I can walk away saying.. that he’s truly a different person than he was 30 years ago. I even enjoyed his friendship and new life that he had built for himself after being locked up. He talked about the Lord and Praised him every time we spoke.

I recently made the decision to disconnect from him when his gurlfriend sent me an INBOX on FB. He told her all about me, and I believe that she felt uncomfortable with me in the picture and he speaking so highly of me. I told her that I would disconnect from him (( something I needed to do anyway)). Too bad she doesn’t know that I needed him to complete this puzzle in my mind. But its okay, because I got what I needed from him and I AM ABLE TO MOVE ON!! PRAISE GOD. I plan to start a serious work out plan to get this weight off physically, because I am healing fast mentally (( smile)). I had a breakthrough and I Thank God for that! I hope that my story of FORGIVENESS is helping someone out there reading this. Took me years to get my answers, but I have them now. Thank you Jesus 🙂

(( photo above is of my daughter and her dad))

I AM La’Crease (( I don’t have to do anything else))

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My story of FORGIVENESS-RAPE 3/BLOG

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One day he came over and couldn’t find me, so he went a few doors down to my friends house (((his now sister -n- law))) and found me there. He was mad at me for not wanting to have anything to do with him. No matter how much he apologized to me, I didn’t want to hear it. He was really irritated with me, and decided that he was going to rape me again while my friend outside and her mother not home. How disrespectful is that?

He threw me down on the couch and tried his best to get my pants down, this time it was not going to happen. We then got into a fight. He pushed me and I pushed him back. My Sisters and friend heard it and went and told my dad, by this time I was able to get out of the house and go home. My dad was FURIOUS!!  He told my ex boyfriend to never come over here again. AND HE DIDN’T. My dad said to me…. and I’ll NEVER EVER FORGET……. WE’RE moving, and when it happen.. HE BETTER NOT HAVE MY NEW ADDRESS!!!!! My daddy meant that.

Just before we moved , I met a new guy. He was everything all in one. Tall, handsome, sweet as pie, nice, and crazy about me. We hit it off  well. I knew it was too early to start a new relationship, but I had to get over the last one, and this new guy helped me. I went to school everyday praying that I wasn’t pregnant by my ex boyfriend. How does a woman have a baby by the man who raped her? That means I would have to love the baby no matter what. I prayed and prayed. I worried everyday. How do I tell my parents? Why does a 17 year old have to deal with this? Everyday I woke up, it was the first thing on my mind. I came on and was so relieved.

Then I faced another problem. I hated the fact that my ex boyfriend raped me, and didn’t want him to be the last person inside me. After 3 months of seeing my new boyfriend I had sex with him. I wasn’t ready for that at all, but in my mind I had to do it. I became mean, and evil to everyone. I had MAJOR TRUST ISSUES,  I hated myself and others too. I never associated my anger with the rape until years and years later. On Dec 4 1985, I got pregnant with my first and ONLY child.  I had my daughter ON MY BIRTHDAY… September 3, 1986. martonenecree

Years and years had passed, before I saw my ex boyfriend again. When I first laid eyes on him, the rape was the first thing that came to mind. I hated him even more, and hoped to never ever run into him again. In my late 20’s I was having the time of my life. Me and my daughters father had broken up and I was meeting new guys. Funny thing looking back. Mainly Police Officers. I wonder what was my attraction to them. Security? I’m not sure. By the time I was in my early 30’s and I started slowing down, the night I was raped started coming back to my mind. Late 30’s I started eating more and picking up lots and lots of weight. Early 40’s  it was on my mind EVERY DAY. God always told me that it was going to come back like throw up. Everything that happened that night was going to come up. Because I had not dealt with it. I pushed it out of my mind for years. It was time….. and He was right!

One day God told me loud and clear, that when my ex boyfriend get out of jail he was going to come to my job at Walmart and through my line. For me to not be afraid. It happened just like he said. I even blogged about it on this site.. the same night GOD TOLD ME. When I saw him I froze, caught me off guard, couldn’t stop thinking about that night as he stood there waiting for his turn. I was so nervous, but my power never left from me. I was in control and I made it through the transaction.  I had been hearing over the years that he believed my daughter was his.  He told his family, his kids and our friends that I had his daughter. I never told anyone what he did to me, so it made me MAD!!!!!!!!!. Then people would think that we had consensual sex… WHEN WE DIDN’T. He’s the bold type to tell them how young he was , but raped and got me pregnant. Either way, it wasn’t true and I wished he would stop telling people that. I wanted to brush him and the whole story UNDER A RUG or BED SOMEWHERE!!!! Just as he was leaving my line, he said to me… Tell my daughter I said Hi, and I want to meet her. I know she’s my daughter. I WAS SO MAD AND SO ANGRY!!! I let him walk out of the store without saying a word. My daughter was in her teens by this time, and all the talk of my daughter being his, ….. PISSED ME OFF TO NO END!!!

PART 4 TOMORROW!

I AM CREE (( I don’t have to do anything else))

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Women do your part too/BLOG

Last night I wrote about controlling men. https://lacreasewalker.com/2015/09/08/men-control-in-different-waysblog/

To the women. Do your part in the relationship to balance your man. If your man is on 10, its your job as his woman to bring the balance and make sure he gets back to 1. Its pitifully and sad to see couples, especially husbands and wives both on 10 and no one can leave the madness for a few seconds in their minds to calm the other down. That’s a lack of self control and one day, it’s gonna catch up with them both. Either on each other, or someone else.

Women set the atmosphere  for the home. When a woman wakes up, she makes breakfast, sees her husband off, the kids, and then she goes on with her daily life. I use to love when my mom wake up in a good mood, that meant it was going to be a good day for school and a even better one when I got home. When she was in a bad mood, we would stay away from her the whole day. We literally   got up and looked at her face in the morning before we started our day to see what type of day it would be. LOL She had no idea until we got grown how her mood effected us.

When my daughter was growing up I tried my best to get up  in a good mood saying to her “Good Morning Princess”, “Good Morning boo”. Asking her how did she sleep? How she felt? We never had attitudes or that ” I woke up on the wrong side of the bed MESS!” Being quiet usually let the other person know, that they’re just trying to get their minds right to start the day.  But NEVER with an attitude, yelling or twisted mean looking faces. And we RESPECTED that space.

Women, know in your mind that you set the atmosphere in the home. Yes, your husband is the man, and the head…… but you set the atmosphere. The family always acts according to how your mood is in the morning. Smiling, speaking with a calm tone of voice, but at the same time being direct in your communication. I promise you, your hubby will be happy, and your kids will have a WONDERFUL DAY!

I AM La’Crease ((( I don’t have to do anything else)))

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Learning Valueable Lessons/BLOG

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My Sisters and I was having a conversation the other day about how I use to follow the rules all the time when we were growing up. I always thought twice about what I was doing when it was against the rules. But for some reason it was always in the back of my mind to stop.

As I got older, I realized that I was this same person as a kid . I would tell people not to do something that would make them have to pay the consequences LATER, they always looked at me like…”guuuuuurl it aint that serious.” I remember saying to myself… “why bring extra trouble to yourself?” When I got the reaction that I did, I started asking myself “why do you care if they have to pay the consequences of their actions?” I care because I am a Christian, and I hate to see people suffering when they could have prevented it.I learn through consequences, why not tell others? I’m a person who cares. Oh yes, I could easily watch people do wrong, not open my mouth and watch them pay. That’s easy to do. I’m not that person. But I will say this. I will run it by you once, twice, maybe three times, but I wont be calling you, bugging you, emailing you, texting you or anything like that. As a matter of fact I won’t bring it up again. God gives me visions of the consequences we have to pay when we don’t follow the rules and decide to use the “Free will” button.

There was a time in my life when I was clicking that “free will” button all day EVERYDAY. I remember one consequence I paid heavily just before turning 20. My BFF lisa band I worked together, and when we would get tips we would put them in our tip jar, but when we were low on money instead of ringing up pastries and coffee, we would STEAL and put that money in our tip jar too. We started off doing it a few times a week, then we started getting addicted and depended on that change so we did it all day everyday. Eventually we quit that job we were working, and started other jobs. We were very, very, very, close did everything together, lived across the street from each other, went out together, took trips together, she knew my family and I knew hers. We LOVED each other like Sisters. We were so goofy , laughed all day everyday.

Well one day me and my BFF were running errands. She left her purse in the car to run in someplace (( don’t remember where)), but when she went to the next store she took her purse. As she walked to the car I could see that she was mad about something. When she got in the car, she asked me did I go in her purse and take $20.00? I said NO.. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!! She said well Creasy, it was in here when I left home. I said I didn’t go in your purse, I wouldn’t do that. We argued all the way home. We didn’t talk for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS over that. She felt like how could you do that to me? I was your BFF. There was nothing I could say to convince her that I would never ever do anything like that to her.I was devastated. I prayed and asked God why is this happening?

He said…. when you and Lisa were working together, you both stole money. Even though you have never stolen from anyone, not out of their homes, not out of their purses, you have a history of being a THIEF. There was nothing you could say to convince her that it wasn’t you that took her money. That’s when it started to click in my head. She felt like… if I did it to our job, then I would do it to her. But I didn’t,and I paid for it. After no communication for years and years, when we finally grew up and started talking. She told me that she found out that it was her brother (( he started doing it regularly)) who went in her purse and stole her money, not me… she apologized. I was more happy that she didn’t think it was me, than anything.

Her only child and my God daughter erikaErika, had gotten big and didn’t know me 😦  We were in different places at this time, and no matter how much we talked, we never got that connection we had in the beginning.  😦 I learned a serious lesson in all of that. What we did together spilled out in our own friendship. There was nothing I could have said to convince her that I didn’t steal her money. The consequences of stealing from that company, was how I lost my BFF and the closeness/bond/friendship of my NOW AKA BEAUTIFUL GOD DAUGHTER!! I paid for that dearly. I will never forget this lesson. We are connected on FB and its so good seeing her and Erika. They’re bothlisa ericka Christians who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES THE LORD… and I’m so glad that we can laugh and talk about our past while moving on to our future. We’ll both be 48 this year and I Thank you Lord Jesus for that LESSON TO SHARE WITH OTHERS. AMEN!

I AM La’Crease (( and SHE doesn’t have to do anything else))

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Why You Mad?? My @tylerperry Response/BLOG

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Hey Family!!!! 🙂 🙂

Tyler Perry wrote-May 27, 2015

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was explaining to me how disappointed she was in people and the things that they do and have done to her. She went on and on about how upset and heartbroken she was, and has been, about some of her family and friends. She talked about how they hurt her and how she wished they would change and be better people. She wanted them to be different than the people they were.

Halfway through this complaint-a-thon, I asked her to take a walk with me in the backyard. Now, you have to know this particular friend of mine. She hates the heat, and it was a hot day. I said, “come on” so she reluctantly came with me.

We got outside and it was steaming hot. I could see that she was uncomfortable. Nevertheless, we kept walking around my backyard. As she was still complaining about people, I asked her what she thought of my grass. Mind you, in order to appreciate the grass you had to stand in the direct sunlight. She said “Wow, I love your grass. It’s beautiful, but it’s hot right here. Let’s cool off under that oak tree over there.”

So, as she started to walk to the tree I said, “No no, let’s stay here in the grass and cool off.”

She turned to me quickly and said, “We can’t cool off on this grass.”

Right then, I said to her, “But you just said the grass was beautiful.”

“I did” she replied. Then, I asked her, “Why won’t you stay here?” She said, because she was hot and the grass couldn’t cool her off. So, we walked over to the oak tree and sat there.

She said, “Now you see? This is what I needed.”

Then I asked her this question. “The grass was beautiful. You loved it. Why didn’t you get mad with the grass because it couldn’t provide the shade you wanted?

She was confused, so I went on to explain myself. “People in this world, whether they were created a certain way or became that way through life’s circumstances, are who they are. Stop wishing they will be someone else.”

I said, “The next time you get upset with someone because they can’t do, or can’t be what you want them to be, remember the grass. Never get mad at a blade of grass because it’s not a tree. Appreciate the grass for what it is. Let it provide to you what it can, but don’t expect more. Your life will get so much easier when you start letting people be who they are and stop expecting them to give you what they don’t have or don’t know how to give. Just like that grass couldn’t provide shade because it wasn’t made to, some people are not made to give you what you’re asking for. So, stop looking for it. You will be shocked at how much peace you find when you really get this.”

And the last thing I said to her was this. “You wouldn’t be so frustrated with people who are like the grass if you had more people who are like trees in your life.”

I could really go deep into this, but I gotta go back to work. Talk to me. What do you think?

Love y’all. Talk soon

My Response:

I love Tyler Perry’s messages because they always make ME think. I wake up everyday to learn a new lesson, I may not get it sometimes, but trust me.. I FILE EVERYTHING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, BECAUSE I KNOW ONE DAY, ONE DAY.. IM GOING TO NEED TO PULL IT OUT, EXAMINE IT, AND FINALLY GET THE LESSON.

In this lesson, it took me a long time to get how people were. I use to get mad at people for not acting the way I felt they should act, and I would be done with them. I learned that you have to meet people where they are!!! In this life you’re going to meet a lot of people,  we all have different personalities. When we meet someone ((( IN PERSON))), they are exactly who they act out. That’s who they are…. and its okay… BUT CAN YOU DIG IT? I learned that I didn’t have to stay in that persons life because they didn’t act how I felt they should have. I don’t have to be their enemy, or be angry/mad with them either. There is always a lesson and reason why we come face to face with people who do things differently and act differently. Some people try to put a size 10 shoe on a 5 feet. Meaning, you can’t make people fit into what you feel they should be. Take them for face value,  get the lesson you need from them, and KEEP IT MOVING. I’m so glad that I came to a place in my life where I can get along with ANYONE…. its so crazy because in my 20’s and early 30’s…. Um Um…. NOPE! LOL In my late 40’s…… listen… I come to your life for LIFE LESSONS… not to talk on the phone all day, not to gossip, but to exchange stories and life experiences that we may have that can heal us together, or even make us laugh.

For Example: My Sister Peedie…IMG_2134 is always late for EVERYTHING. It use to BURN me up when we would all meet over to our parents house for pizza and laughs, she would plan the party for 5.. but always be there after 6. She does this  for every function we have. If I say the gathering is at 4, she’ll blow my phone up asking me what time am I leaving, that way she would know how long she has to BS before leaving out her house. LOL.. I use to be MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD at her. On fire. I use to wish that just one time, she would be on time. When God bought me to really examine this situation that bothered me so much… it BLESSED ME. He said.. your sister has been doing this for as long as you can remember. This is who she is. She won’t be on time, stop looking for her to be. This is your sister and how she does things. Get over it. Then I thought its OKAY.. ITS OKAY…. its funny now, because we make jokes and laugh about how late she’s going to be. I get it. I can’t make her to be a person on time, she’s always been this way. This is apart of her personality. ((( She’s always on time for work tho))) LOL LOL  I no longer “wish” she would be on time… I Thank God that she always shows up  ALIVE AND WELL

Now let me add this… I can call that SAME SISTER…. ask her for $20.00, she’ll bring me $40.00. One day I needed to borrow $20.00 she put a $100.00 BILL in my hand, we were talking so much, when she left, I realized what it was. If you call her for money SHE IS ALWAYS THERE. If you need a ride, she’s there ** late of course lol **, if you need to talk, she’s always there. If you need a favor or anything… she’s there. She always have it and if she don’t she’ll get it for you. God had to me to see that. I learned to look FOR STRENGTHS IN OTHER AREAS of a person, instead of focusing on their weakness. She wont be on time for anything, but if you EVER EVER EVER NEED HER… SHE IS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME AND ANYBODY ELSE!!!! So, after thinking about it…. ITS OKAY… IT REALLY IS OKAY.. that she’s not a person to be on time, because she has so many other things about her that I LOVE. I LOVE MY BABY SISTER.

I AM La’Crease ((I don’t have to do anything else))

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Why I Say I AM La’Crease/BLOG

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Hey Family! 🙂

In today’s Blog entry I want to explain why at the end of my post I write, I AM La’Crease and I don’t have to do anything else. After thinking about it  deeply, well…… read it for yourself.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been a person that’s very protective over the ones closes to me. I’m the kind of person who LOVES EVERYBODY. I’ve never been the one to play favoritism with my friends or family, and I’ve always kept it real. But I noticed that I was doing too much. Thinking too much, talking to much, just DOING TO MUCH. I had to find out what is it that makes me do what I do? I’m the oldest of 4  and I’m working on learning to STOP having a OVER protective Spirit. Now, its okay too have a Protective Spirit, but not OVERLY protective. In order to get it under control, I had to disconnect the phone calls with people EVERYDAY. I was one who could talk on the phone all day, everyday. Thing was, I was the one doing the listening. I realize that a lot of people come to me because of my motherly personality, the Godly advice I give, and for the fact that I treat everyone the same. I try to be the same person everyday. But I realize that I was doing too much. I realize that I over do it to make people COMFORTABLE… when they’re really just fine. I found out that I AM La’Crease and I don’t have to do anything else.

For example: If I’m at my mothers house, I will ask her 100 times if she’s okay? Does she need me to go to the store, does she needs to run errands, if she needs me to do anything. Even if she says no, I’ll ask one last time before I leave. I can talk to a friend about an issue, I have to keep checking up on that person, texting and making sure everything is okay. But I found out that… everything IS OKAY… I don’t have to do all of that. Its OKAY.. I have to tell myself that its okay, everything is fine, I don’t have to do anything else. We are GOD’S KIDS…. Why am I doing extra work? LOL  I’m always asking people “Are you Okay boo?” I’m always genuinely concerned.. but shoooooooooooooooooo after years and years and years…. I’m wore out from that. I have gotten to the point, where I don’t want to waste a lot of MY time “catering” to folks when THEY’RE NOT EVEN ASKING FOR ME TOO. Its me that has taken this too far. Everyone is okay, except me, who is trying to make sure they are.  LOL Now, I can sit back and really enjoy my life, without feeling that I have to take on others burdens or constantly ask or wonder if my loved ones are okay… GOD HAS THEIR BACK… THEY ARE JUST FINE….

SO…I say…. I AM La’Crease, and I don’t have to do anything else. Because I DON’T!

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GOD Chose MEEEEEEEEEE…. CREEEEE?/BLOG

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Hello Family 🙂

Today I was laying in the bed thinking about how God works in my life. Its so unreal, makes me smile and LAUGH at the same time. When I was 19, I was so in LOVE with my daughter’s father. God told me that I LOVED that man, more than I LOVED him. I was devastated when God said that to me one day as I was washing dishes. Because for some reason, I felt it may have been true… not on purpose… but maybe a fact. I didn’t like that one bit, and I MADE SURE I DIDN’T LOVE ANY MAN like that EVER again. I know how to LOVE.. because I learned it from my parents and growing up with close siblings. So after God revealed that to me, I continued to show men LOVE… because its in me. While they thought I LOVED them so hard (((  but I was just loving how I was taught))).. they ALL were disappointed, sad, and in a state of disbelief when the relationship was over, and I walked away like a car tore up in a accident, with no scratches on my body. That’s one thing about me that I LOVE….. I can walk away and never look back… all while STILL LOVING you at the same time… but in a “out of your life” way.

I LOVE GOD MORE THAN ANYTHING… and just because I show you the LOVE and LOYALTY you may not have experienced from someone else outside of your family… doesn’t  mean LACREASE WALKER won’t walk away like I never knew you…. because I CAN….in a way that will make you ask yourself… “Did she even LOVE me in the first place?” And that answer is…Yes I did/do.

Okay, I got off track. I was so in LOVE with my daughter’s father, that it took me forever to get over him. That was one of the hardest things to do. Back then, there was no social media where you can read up on other stories and then come to the conclusion that this man is not the one for you. We didn’t have access to other women who was going through the same thing to connect with. We had to learn on our own. I was secretive, so a lot of things I went though alone. I didn’t know that SEX was the connection that kept me going back to him. When I cut off sex, I was able to move on. Took me years and years, and years to realize that. But here is the part that got me laughing and talking to God about. He is using MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…. to talk to the broken women who are going through the same thing in this time and day. SO MANY women email me, talk to me in person, send text and other messages about the same thing. At first I was like… “Ok God, why are these ladies coming to me… I had a hard time back in the day trying to get over the LOVE I had for my daughter’s dad?” He said because you are over that, and you are the one who can reach these women. WOW WHAT AN HONOR…. When I think back on those times.. I don’t feel qualified AT ALL!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE??????? God are serious? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? CREE?????? I was so broken, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, lost, had an abortion, MEAN AND EVIL… any and everything you can think of.. and GOD SENDS ME TO HELP THESE WOMEN?????????? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

I must say… GOD KNOWS BEST…. because I have spoken with SO, SO, SO , SO, SO many women about relationships, hurt and things associated… that this is truly apart of my calling. I am helping these women to find themselves, and to get back to God. Women are a magnet to me when it comes to this area of their lives…. and I love it. I’ve been there. I know the pain. I know the hurt. I know the thoughts and the cries at night. I know it all. I just want to say THANK YOU LORD FOR CHOOSING ME! I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD AND SEND YOUR DAUGHTERS BACK TO YOU, SO THAT YOU CAN SEND THE MAN DESIGNED JUST FOR THEM!!!

I AM La’Crease ((( I don’t have to do anything else)))

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