Rapist thoughts, and the new Lacrease

Hey.

Lord Thank you for another day. Another day I said. Another day. How are you doing Lord?

Today was a good day for me, time went pretty quick at work, and then I went home.

I must admit God I am a Church drop out. I was going real good a few months ago, then I dropped back out. Thats not good at all. I know Lord, that I need to go ever Sunday and not when Im not tired from work or dont feel like it. I want that same feeling I had when I went to Church a year straight without missing a Sunday. I miss that.

Lord, I havent spoken to my dad for a very long time now. Its been at least a month. He told me not to go to his funeral when he dies. Aint that something deep to tell your own child. Where does that kind of angry roots? How could you think this thought to even tell you own child? Is that hate? I told my dad, if I didnt love God so much, I would tell you off. I told him that. I could never ever in a million years tell Neisha, when I die dont come to my funeral. You have to be hurting, and hating yourself to even let those words come out of your mouth.

 

Welp,  my so called boyfriend who raped me and took my vaginity at 17 will be out of jail soon, before the year is out. For some reason I feel he is already out. I dont know the real reason why he is locked up, but I stilll havent forgotten what he did to me. I still think about that night as if it was “tonight”. He left me bleeding and cold that night in July or August. It was almost my birthday. I was saving myself. I dissed him after that. Do you know that when he saw me he had the nerve to say “Why didnt you tell me you was on your period.”? I didnt scream when he was doing it, I was just so shocked. My daddy would have killed him on the spot. I still think that I did the right thing by not screaming, I dont want my dad in jail, cause thats where he would have end up. My dad dont play about his kids. He dont play.

 

God sometimes I want to ask you questions. How could you know that this was happening to me and not do anything? How can I help someone when I cant get over it myself? What am I suppose to learn from this? Why is he still living and doing the same thing to other women? God please dont let me look up and see him in my line when he gets out of jail. He is going to ask about me, because of the people we know that I am still in contact with. I was molested by a babysitter. He is in jail and I hope he is never getting out. He is there for life, but heard that could change. Lord, dont let him get out. I dont want that rapist to get out of jail, but since he is, dont let me see him again, and especially in Walmart.

 

Lord, I know tomorrow Im going to read this entry and ask myself what in the would was I thinking to post this. Well maybe it needs to be out of me and into the world. Who knows.

 

For many years I was content with being  heavy.  I felt that if I am heavy less attention I would get. That is foolish thinking and not true. Today I am a new woman, I want to be pretty, and I deserve to be happy. I am on a journey to lose this weight and be the woman God has called me to be. Thats enough with all these lies satan has feed me all these years. I am going to be healthy and beautiful all at the same time.

 

Well, guess I go and cry.

Crease

 

 

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