if you have forgiven her…..lets see. Cree’s Blog Entry
My best times to talk to God is when I lay on my couch with the TV off and the light is dimmed. I look up to my ceiling and talk his ears off. LOL
One day last week, I was having one of those talks and I started looking back on my life and seeing how it relates to me today. And what God showed me…..tells a lot about who I am today. I didn’t understand how no matter what people do to me, I still LOVED them. I’ll explain more later.
I grew up in the home with both my parents, even though me and my dad didn’t get alone well as I got in my teens, he is a man who LOVES his family. We were told I LOVE YOU all day everyday. We got hugs…just because. We use to go out to dinner every Friday when my dad got paid. We got allowances, we would go for rides every weekend. When me and my siblings (4 of us) got into arguments we had to make up on the spot….which was kiss and hug. We were NEVER allowed to fight….if we got caught it was TROUBLE!!! As we got into our teens, we were very popular in the neighborhood. Everybody use to come and sit on our porch all day and all night. We still have those SAME FRIENDS to this day.
As I started dating, the guys I ATTRACTED use to make me mad and jealous. I was very jealous growing up and when they made me mad, I would say things like ” I hate you, I hope you die”. I was a very angry teen, which later turned into my early 20’s. I was so mean that my MOM use to PRAY for me day in and day out. I was so mean to my boyfriends, that my parents didn’t know what to do for me. Once I moved out at 22, my mom PRAYED harder that God would change my attitude. She said that she didn’t want anyone to “Kill” me with the anger I was carrying. Little did she know…that GOD was about to deal with me ONE ON ONE.
I went through a lot with people being jealous of me, of my relationship with my siblings, and for having both families in the home, where I had complete total access to both of my parents. The way I lived, and how friendly I was, without it ever being a story of me hurting anyone. I was and still is a good friend. When I found out that my daughter’s dad was sleeping with my friend who lived in a downstairs flat ….. IT ROCKED MY WHOLE WORLD. I never in my life felt a betrayal and devastation like that in my life. OH God…. that pain is deep in my heart….. I couldn’t even cry. I terrorized her every chance I got, and I cut him off from the HEAD!!! After so many months of preying on them, they finally stopped seeing each other. I hated him and hated her.
One day, I said Lord, I cant hold this in my heart any longer….its taking over my thoughts and my life. Then…..she knocked on my door and told me that she was moving out of town. I SAID YESSSS!!! I was so happy, she wanted to make amends and leave with peace. Our friendship was over as far as I was concerned, but I was too happy she was leaving town to marry her kids dad. Good BYE!!! After a year or more of her being gone. I remember clear as day, God asked me while I was washing dishes……have you forgiven her? I said Yes!!! She moved years ago, I don’t have to see her anymore….. I said Yes, God I have. He said alright….we’ll see. Never knew what it meant by that.
Soon after that day God asked me that question…… She got my number from her mom and she called me saying this…… I have spoken to our Landlord, and I’m moving back downstairs. I was devastated again. I said God how could you let her move back into this same house? How could you let her come back to Detroit? I told him that I didn’t ever want to see her again, and that I had forgiven her. I was done with her in my mind, I had never planned to see her again… she did me wrong.