Call a Thing…a thing… @kandi *great post to read* Crees Blog Entry

flhToday as I sit back and think about the episode of RHOA with Mama Joyce. I can’t but help think about how she reminds me of my dad in a way. Growing up and even now I felt as if my mom was really a wife to my dad. She made sure he was taken care of, and since he had his own issues with his mom * that’s another story* he was SPOLIED as far as I’m concerned. We did everything for him. If my dad wanted some water and didn’t feel like getting it, he had 4 kids to chose from to get it for him. Of course as a kid, you can’t wait to “get grown” so that you won’t have to do those things anymore. Little did we know.. what we hated as kids… we end up doing it to our own. LOL
 
 
As we all moved out on our own… my mom left my dad after 36 years of marriage, and all that my dad made us do as KIDS….. he found himself having to do them for HIMSELF and he HATED it. He never imagined having to do simple things like getting water, or running his bath water on his own. He always had us to do everything for him. Now… as adults my dad still have this thing where he feels that we’re suppose to run over to his apartment and do everything for him. And the thing is.. we LOVE him and wouldn’t mind, we don’t care… but the Spirit in which he wants it done… is THE SAME AS MAMA JOYCE and that I WILL NEVER GET WITH. EVER! I understand that Mama Joyce may have some concerns for Todd, or even Kandi’s BFF… that’s normal…. but the SPIRIT IN WHICH ITS DONE IN….. has got to change. The loud talking, ready to fight, cursing, accusations, taking over the conversation, and demanding things to change, when its NOT HER “function” to do so…. cannot continue to happen .. its time Kandi speak up. Speak up doesn’t mean to “go off” or “disrespect” her. I mean in a way her mom understand that Kandi has her own life, and that her MOM has no right to give her ultimatums.
 
 
I say my dad reminds me of Kandi’s mom is because like my dad, you can tell that Kandi was a great child growing up, always did what her mom told her, didn’t want to disappoint her, wanted to please her and make her happy, didn’t want ANY TROUBLE…. at all. Even as a adult making good money, Kandi make sure that her mom is taken care of. Comes over when her mom calls, answers the phone no matter what she’s doing, come over even when she’s not in the mood. Hmmm.. reminds me of how it was with us. I see so clearly where there is going. The cut off point in Mama Joyce eyes, as Kandi being an adult, a mother, a sister, and a soon to be wife * if not already*. Kandi’s mom hasn’t disconnected in those areas. I see it.. I live it. I KNOW.
 
 
I see myself in Kandi so much. Very sensitive. Its funny because my sister could say her peace with my dad in a nice tone, with high self esteem, love in her eyes for him, direct and to the point.. and will hop in her car and go to the Casino and play for hours without another thought about it. Me….. on the other hand. I have to sit back and go over why he’s acting like this, why me, what did I do wrong, what makes him this way… and cry at the same time. But baby something happened this summer concerning my dad and myself…….and I HAVE FINALLY LET IT GO!! * more on that later*
I grew up with my dad. lived in the same house with him until I moved out at 22. HE and my mom was married before I was even born and IM THE OLDEST. He always wanted control… the same as I see in Kandi’s mother. I noticed that if I wasn’t doing what my dad wanted and in a certain time… he wouldn’t talk to me. AND FOR A LONG TIME. I HATED THAT!!!! I was always the one who had to call and make up first. He never called me first. I knew all the things he loved, and when I missed him… I would go out and get those things for him just so that we could be back on good terms…… and we were COOL AS EVER.
 
 
This summer I got tired of that. I got tired of doing stuff to please him…. what I found out was….. PLEASING PEOPLE LIKE MY DAD, AND KANDI’S MOM IS ONLY TEMPORARILY. It wears off. You can bet….. your house and brand new truck….. in a few weeks or days….. there is another situation lurking where there is the need to TEMPORARILY…………. PLEASE THEM AGAIN. August of this year was MY BREAKTHRU..MY TURNING POINT…. my dad was mad at my mom * because she was too tired to take him someplace* when he called me. I took him, and all the way there he talked about my mom… which made me so mad. That same week, I took him to the grocery store , we were cool. As he got of the car I heard GOD LOUD AND CLEAR when he said….. “your dad is going to get mad at you soon”. The week wasn’t even up, when he called me and asked me to call my mom and ask her for my aunts number. I told him to call my mom for yourself, she’s not mad at you… YOU’RE MAD AT HER. That was my way of getting him to call her, but he’s SO STUBBORN he said “are you going to call her and ask for the number or not”? I said… No daddy. He hung up on me and NEVER CALLED BACK
 
 
I hated that. But God warned me. This time I did something different. All my life I wanted to please him and make up with him first. So, I didn’t call him, I wanted to see just how long it would take for him to call me… HE DIDNT. After 3 months … I called him FIRST…. AGAIN. The point I’m making is. …Kandi’ mother probably get mad at her all the time and NOT SPEAK TO HER… I’m willing to bet that Mama Joyce is so stubborn that Kandi is the one who is always making up first, calling, texting, visiting, and oh not to mention being REJECTED sometimes, because her mom is not ready to make up yet. I’m not saying STOP TAKING CARE OF HER… not saying STOP TALKING TO HER… but I am saying sit down and have a talk with her. Kandi is scared that one day… just one day…. her mom is going to stop talking to her ALL TOGETHER, Little does she know as bad as it may sound… MAMA JOYCE IS CAPABLE AND READY AT ANYTIME “SHE FEELS” she has “lost” Kandi for good. * IN HER MIND*. Kandi is afraid that everybody’s going to know about it, and that makes her very uncomfortable just thinking about it. I know your FEARS boo. Been there.
 
 
But guess what I learned….. they are who they are…. and there is nothing you can do about it. They have no plans to change… because they DON’T SEE WHAT THEY’RE DOING WRONG. When you don’t see your wrongs….. WHY do something different? Mama Joyce have it in her to go days and days and weeks and months not talking to Kandi… but truth is that time may come sooner or later. At some point Mama Joyce is going to ask Kandi to choose….. “Todd or me”… And that’s when things really get REAL. Chose LOVE Kandi. What ever that means to YOU.
 
 
Be Blessed
 
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

In 2013….. I Learned…….Crees Blog Entry

stankfacecreeThis year has been one I will never forget. Living alone with yourself…. will teach you a lot of things. The reason why I decided to share mines is because…. I believe that we all can take inventory of our lives… and when we do… we just may learn something.
I learned that I LOVE PRANKS. Even though I would never prank anyone. I realize that I go to youtube when I need to laugh, and when I need to smile just before going to bed. I’ve subscribed to several PRANK sites…. this is something that I realized I did. Wow. I asked myself… what is it that you get out of it? I LOVE to see people’s reaction. I love FACIAL EXPRESSIONS… they’re so funny to me.
I learned that its okay to enjoy being alone. I learned that I’m not the kind of person who calls up people and tell them my problems. I let God work things out, and that way I’m able to tell the story in TRUTH and in FULL. when I’m ready.
I learned that I have control of things that Angers me. For example, when the drive thru lady rolled her eyes so hard at me, all I could see is the white part in her eyes when I asked her for ketchup. I learned this year that I have total control of how I will react to ANY SITUATION, and that I was the one who really had the POWER. I always thought I had POWER AND CONTROL when I “told her off”…. but this year I LEARNED that the one who can laugh through it all…. is the one who has the POWER and SELF CONTROL.*pops my collar*
I learned that I don’t have to be “CONNECTED” to anyone. MEANING… if I’m cool with 2 people and they have issues with each other….. THATS THEIR PROBLEM TO WORK OUT!!!!! I’m free from DRAMA with my own SISTERS… I consider myself free from DRAMA with ANYBODY ELSE. I will not engage in ANY conversations pertaining to the other… PERIOD… AT ALL. I am my own person, I do what I want to do, I’m not connected to anyone. I do my own thang.
I learned this year… that I have always been the listener. My life has changed so much this year… sometimes I didn’t know if I was coming or going. In being the listener all the time….. I realized this year I didn’t have a listener for myself. Even though I’m good with that….. I realized and LEARNED that when I let all my talkers…..talk…. that I didn’t make them listeners. LOL But God had my back. And its all good.
I learned this year that my dad is who he is and that’s FINAL. I learned that whenever he got mad at me, that I was always afraid that he would be mad for a long time, and that’s why I always made up with him first. I went over 3 months before calling him * he had no plans to call me first* that was my first time going that long. I learned that its OKAY… that this is who HE is….. and for me to Boss Up… and accept it. I learned this year, that he can go months even years without talking to me.
I learned this year that I spent a lot of time holding people’s hand…. too long. I refuse to go any longer putting band-aids, and green rubbing alcohol on folks…. they gotta go to God.. JUST LIKE ME. I learned that I spend TOO MUCH TIME…. ( it’s okay to spend some time) on folks who don’t want to “get it”. I can’t use extra energy for that any more. I have to attend to me. I learned that I have neglected myself in so many ways. Those days are over.. and brighter days are coming.
Be Blessed
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

Who R U LaCrease? Part 4 *final* Cree’s Blog Entry @tylerperry

keeping my mouth shutPART 4……..    But in order to do that… I had to ask God…where did this come from? Lord, why do I get upset when someone is sharing with me a story about what someone else did to them? Why do I take it to heart so deeply? Why am I so emotionally connected to their story? Why are my insides on fire as they tell the story? Why do I even care?
I was fed up with my own behavior of trying to “fight” everyday with people about how they treat others. So, I sat down with the TV off and started asking God why am I this way? There has to be a root, where did this begin? All of a sudden I started thinking about my childhood. I was bullied in school. I was bullied because I was different and did my own thing. I admire people who do their “own thing” and not what others did….. unless they like it. If you don’t like what I do, that you wouldn’t do… don’t comment on MY stuff. My dad knew I was different too. I feel to this day that he was a major part of why I have a thing against bullies. For example. Say for instance our light bill was due tomorrow. My dad would spend the money, have fun with it, and worry about that when…. the shut off FINAL NOTICE came. Me, on the other hand, if I had a shut off notice, I would pay the bill, so that I could have PEACE, and not be in the middle of a conversation with someone laughing it up, then all of a sudden …. I THINK OF THIS LIGHT BILL THAT’S GOING TO BE SHUT OFF AT ANY MOMENT. In my daddy’s eyes, I would be considered “silly” in a BULLY FORM OF WAY for thinking like this, and for worrying way to much about it. That always bothered me. It made me feel like this…. If I did things or think things differently than you, mines is considered “STUPID” but yours is considered “SMART”. In my eyes that’s a form of “bullying”.
So, as I got older and realized that the gurl who always stayed in the house, people loved me for how different I was. I was NEVER popular in school, but when I started working and living on my own, people connected with me in a HUGE WAY. Because I was different. I stuck up for the “under dogs”. If I saw you messing with someone and they looked like they didn’t want to be apart… I would say something in a nice tone, and let you know… “we don’t do that here”. I felt that I was that voice for them, but it came from my own place when I was a child.
Then God reminded me of a time when a coworker came to me and said Cree I have something to tell you, but I have to tell you when I call you later, because I know you’re going to be mad. That right there, sent my gauge up to 100. LOL I begged her to tell me now, but she didn’t. When she told me the story later, yep I was mad.. ON FIYAH. Long story short. Me and that coworker was standing around waiting for customers, when our boss son came in. He was good looking, 4 years younger than my daughter. When my boss introduced us to him, we said “oh he’s handsome a good looking guy’… and that was the end of that. Didn’t this BOSS/MANAGER go and tell the other MANAGERS that we were all over her son, and that we were acting like “cougars”, and she also said, women like us is the reason why he don’t come up to the job. PISSED ME OFF. First of all, the lil short sawed off rut…. didn’t look like much, second of all, we both have kids who are GROWN and OLDER THAN HIM, and third of all…. we like men in their late 40’s early 50’s. WHAT?????????? So since I’m faithful to my word and friend about not mentioning anything. We both speak to the Manager, but we keep it moving….we don’t deal with her like that.
Then God bought to my remembrance about how I take up for Tyler Perry when people talk bad about him. I connect with Tyler because we share a lot of child hood issues. I love him as a brother, and a long time ago I adopted in my mind that he is just like me. People talk about him because he’s different, he do things his own way. I LOVE and ADMIRE that about him. When I take up for him, I see us as kids, and since I’m older than him. I see myself as the big sister. And NOBODY is going to talk about MY BROTHER!!! I never shared this with anyone, but when I use to read my google alerts on him and the article was bad and the comments were even worst. I would get on there and SHUT THE WHOLE BOARD DOWN… I would nut up on anyone who had anything negative to say about him. Again it goes back to my child hood, its a form of BULLYING in my mind.
One day I came across this page and this white lady was talking about Tyler, I sent her a email and this is how it went.
RE: Backstage
I am a faithful fan of Tyler Perry. As I read your post about him and read your sarcasm….. I was upset to see that you were taking shots at him. For NO reason. If you’re going to write about a story…. WRITE IT. Leave your remarks out.
But then I realized it was YOU…. who looked stupid. Lindsey had a daughter NOT a son. Trying to make Tyler look bad, you need to be FIRED. Get it together PROFESSIONAL writer.
Then she sent this back to me: Hi lacrease,My name is * took her name out* I’m sorry if my post about the Tyler Perry Foundation offended you. Until your comment I didn’t know there actually was such an organization.I’ve taken the liberty of changing the name and removing the Tyler Perry Foundation from the post but the post itself remains.I’m not against people with GID or those who opt for sexual reassignment surgery. It wasn’t my intention to offend you but I’m sorry if I did.Regards,
After doing this…. I decided that I cannot fight these BULLIES, if Tyler Perry can keep it moving, than so can I. This is what God has been showing me for the longest about myself. I’m the same way with HOMELESS people. Don’t let me hear someone talking down on them, I will have a fit. Don’t talk about anyone who is less fortunate. Don’t mis treat kids, BECAUSE THEY DO KIDS STUFF….another issue that God should me. My coworker stopped me from what I was doing and asked me to come over to her, because she had something to tell me. When I got to her, she asked me….. WHY DO YOU GIVE THESE KIDS MONEY? PISSED ME OFF. My heat Gauge went to 100. Before I knew it I started nutting up, no curse words, or loud talking… NONE OF THAT…. I basically told her that I was grown, I do what I want with my money, and that you have NO IDEA of how many people gave me money as a child and adult, and this is my pay off. That was truly the day, she became my “friend”. She got me…. she knew then that I was my OWN WOMAN in my OWN LANE, doing my OWN THING, with my OWN MIND….
Since God showed me these things about myself. I’m learning to kinda emotionally disconnect from the people I love so much. I love my family and friends. I get to tied into their story and take it to heart. I ‘ve been doing sooooo good lately. God reminds me when I’m in the middle of a test, so that I can think about it as its happening, and to pay attention to my “heat gauge”. LOL I can listen to a story and not be so quick to get upset, or offer my “opinion” about it so quickly. I realize that God is in control and that I don’t have to “mentally fight” off bullies, and take up for the underdog, or hear a story and get upset about it, because its a LIE, MEAN, BULLYISH, or GOSSIP. I’m learning to “keep it moving”. I don’t have to take up for my Brother Tyler Perry who I LOVE so dearly anymore. He can handle his own affairs, and people are going to say what they want about him and everybody else too. I have gotten emails and DM from people who ask me…. do you see Tyler Perry for your husband? LOL I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh at them, I can see no further than me and he as kids, being different and trying to make it. I couldn’t understand it myself, until God should me the connection.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/31/syleena-johnson-iyanla-vanzant_n_3677969.html I was watching Fix My Life with Syleena Johnson and when she asked why she still feels this way about her mom Iyanla replied :”because when you were a little person the big people were behaving badly… and then you grow up…. but you never shifted your relationship with those big people… so in your life she’s still a big person bullying you… and your response is that of a 4 year old… you ever learned how else to be. THAT WAS MY BREAKTHROUGH……THAT WAS THE MOMENT I GOT IT…. I AM A GROWN WOMAN… FIGHTING AS A CHILD IN MY ADULT MIND AND LIFE. TELL ME SOMEBODY GOT THAT? That video is ME FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. THIS WAS MY BREAKTHROUGH.
Everyday there is a test for me…. I have to be open at all times for the warning…. hey maybe there will be times when God doesn’t warn me. LOL I know him…. there will be those times. But the bigger picture here is that I WANT to be a better person, and yes I love my family and friends, but I have to emotionally disconnect from the issues, not to make it mines, to not take on the emotionally responsibility of fixing the issue. But at the same time continue to help them out in anyway I can, * I love talking to people* but not to make it mines.
Thanks for reading, and please learn from MY Life Lessons.
Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

“WHO R U PART 2 CREE’S BLOG ENTRY (((must read)))

relationship with godPART 2…

Here’s what I found out…..That while growing up I always had a desire to keep PEACE in my life and to those all around me. I was that kid that when my momma said.. get up and wash dishes…. I got up and washed dishes. If she said be home by 9… I was home by 8:30. If my dad said to me have this house cleaned up by the time he got home… so it was. My dad was (((and still can be))) a manipulator. I didn’t know what it was then, but I knew that when he wasn’t happy, he wanted to make everybody around him miserable. GOD.. I HATED THAT!!!! He could come into the house and set off the whole atmosphere. He would turn the TV when he knew we were watching something, made us do stuff, he would just create a space that was unbearable.

As I got in my teens and started working, he would ask me for a few dollars here and there, and I would give it to him. But there were times when I had other plans with my money, and boy did he make it hard for me. In order to have PEACE in the house when he wanted money to buy liquor, play his lottery or gas money, he would purposely start an argument with me, and for PEACE sake I would give in. This went on for years. Then I watched him do it to my sisters. When I moved out at 22, he continued to call me and ask for money when he needed it. And when I didn’t give it to him, he would be mad at me for weeks and weeks. For the life of me, I still can’t understand how a father/mother can be mad at their own kids for this long period of time. ((((shaking my head)))) When me and my siblings get mad at each other we make up on the spot!

So at age 22 my calm sweet Spirit attracted MANY people. I love PEACE and people see it, they want to be apart of it, they are a magnet to me… and as I grew up in LOVE and demand PEACE.. I found myself being a FREE THERAPIST for everyone. LOL I LOVED it and still do!!! I love talking and listening to people (((( THIS IS WHO I AM))) and what was going on with them, helped me in so many ways to figure out my own ISSUES. But in the process I lost myself. I got caught up in showing so much LOVE, that I have neglected myself. Not only that.. but I realized that not everyone knows how to receive LOVE.

I met this lady at my job, she was a year older than me. We worked together, and became really good friends. She didn’t have siblings and wasn’t close with her mom. I enjoyed talking with her and talking about the things that went along in her relationship. After that didn’t work she moved out of town and we still stayed in touch. Knowing that she was in another city I was often worried about her. I remember one day I called her and didn’t get an answer. It was very unusual since we talked nearly everyday and every week. I called her so much that day it had to be about 11-12 times straight. But she was there all along, not feeling like answering the phone.

Here is a piece of that email she wrote to me….. I HAVE HAD
E———–NOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS
IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. YOU HAD BETTER HAVE SOMETHING
SERIOUSLY WRONG TO BE CALLING ME THE WAY YOU HAVE.
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. I HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU
BEFORE. YOUR CALLS DONT MOVE ME! WHEN I HAVE TIME I WILL
CALL YOU. I AM ON A MISSION AND WILL NOT EXPLAIN MYSELF! IT
SADDENS ME THAT YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO AN ALL TIME LOW. ITS
DISGRACEFUL! DISRESPECTFUL AND TRULY INCONSIDERATE! IF THERE
IS NO EMERGENCY THERE IS NO EXCUSE AND GOD NEEDS TO CONVICT
YOUR HEART ON THIS MATTER. AT THE DROP OF A DIME YOU CAN
ENCOURAGE PEOPLE NOT TO CALL SOMEONE IF THEY HAVE CALLED
THEM SEVERAL TIMES AND THEY HAVENT RETURNED THEIR CALL. THEN
WHY CANT YOU TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE MISSY! ALL I CAN SAY IS
WOW YOU ARE TRULY OUT OF CONTROL! AND WHEN I STOP WHAT IM
DOING TO ANSWER THE PHONE AFTER A GAZILLION CALLS, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY BUT HI.
YOU-CAN-NOT-CONTROL-ANYTHING-BUT-YOU! TO TRY AND FORCE
SOMEONE TO CALL YOU BACK AND SHOW THEM YOU WILL BADGER THEM
at all cost IS NOT THE WAY TO DO things. YOU GET NOOOOOOOO
RESULTS! AS YOU SAY “YOU DONT KNOW WHAT OTHER THINGS PEOPLE
HAVE PLANNED WHEN YOU CALL THEM” THE SAME RULES APPLY TO
YOU.
PRAYING ALL IS WELL
BE BLESSED

And in another email that day…. she wrote:

Its soooooooooooo sad,
That my friend has a case of road rage at the mouth and cannot control herself. It saddens me that you interject your comments when I didn’t ask for your opinion. Its clear that you lack the ability to listen. How can you argue MY opinion.
You have issues with your mouth and listening without offering your opinion when not needed. You got a big loud mouth and you need to learn to control yourself missy! I have a friend with no self control of the lips. And for the first time in years I need to tell you, that you have a serious problem in this area. I am embarrassed to know that its soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo out of control even you cant help it. But you really need to get-it-together with your angerrage mouth!!! Its very difficult to share things with you when I know you gonna go nutts at the lips!!!!!!!

There is no excuse or apology for your behavior just work on making the changes for yourself.

After reading that THEN….. I was like WOW. Where did that come from? Even though we have been knowing each other for a total of 23 years…. I STILL DIDNT look at myself . I never got to explain to her that I only called so many times in a row was because I was worried about her… aint like she lived around the corner as she always have from me. She was going through a lot at that time, and she was my GOOD friend. I cared. In my family and circle, if you’re really close and haven’t talked to that person… concern grows…. YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THEM… and they’d appreciate it too. Looking back at this email from 5 years ago… I realize that everyone is not use to someone “looking out for them” “checking up”, “or giving advice” just as well as listen to it. I have sisters that I LOVE… trust and believe if I blow you up like that I CARE. When I can’t get in touch with my sisters and friends… THEY KNOW I WILL BE KNOCKING ON THEIR DOORS. If something is wrong with that… I’m sorry. They understand… that I don’t mean no harm.

I refuse to put this ALL on her. This was MY issue too. Becoming too involved and having a desire to help people. I didn’t know when they wanted me to listen or when they wanted advice. When I’m quiet they want to know what IM THINKING.. when I voiced my opinion they just WANTED ME TO LISTEN. Again… that was me… putting too much into others. Don’t get my wrong there was nothing wrong in doing this… but when you lose YOURSELF FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS… that’s not good at all. I finally get what she’s saying after all of these years. I get it. I really get it. Too bad our friendship has ended.

And just like my dad, he just wont let me LOVE him without sabotaging our relationship. He’s mad at me right now, its been almost 3 weeks since he called me. Growing up as a child and in my early 30’s this would bother me something terrible. Somehow I just don’t care anymore. I feel bad that I DONT CARE. Looking at my dad’s past, he is just like my friend, THEY KNOW HOW TO LOVE AND TO BE FAITHFUL TO PEOPLE….. but they don’t know how to RECEIVE it.

I’m not mad at nobody…. I’m just staying in my own LANE. Running my OWN race.

Where works of the flesh exists, there is NO joy

You can’t change who people want to be. * Crees blog entry*

god has a reasonToday was a great day.  My mommy came over with my niece for a while. We had a good time talking and laughing.

Just sitting here thinking how all my life my dad stayed mad at his kids and my mom *4 of us* all the time. He taught us to make up and forgive ON THE SPOT, but he NEVER did what he taught. He’s been “mad” at me since April 10, and for the first time in MY LIFE… I’m making it my business to NOT call him first, so that I can see just how long he can go. No matter what…. I will always call him first, he’s so stubborn, I don’t see how he can LIVE LIFE LIKE THAT. As I think about this situation. I understand now why I Love to have Peace. Its because with my dad its always ciaos. I remember giving him money from my summer jobs when I was at home, just to “make up with him” and keep the peace around the house. I just wanted Peace so that I can do things without anyone/him being upset with me… especially him.

Now that I look back on my life up until 10 years ago, I always cared who was mad at me. I cared. I would call folks and make up even if I was wrong. I would knock on friends door and ask ” are you still mad at me”? Its like I couldn’t get on with my day… if someone was mad at me. I feel like crying thinking about this. I always wanted to be like others and say.. ” I don’t care if she’s/he’s mad at me and really mean it!!! But me on the other hand…I had to do something “extra” to make peace so that I can get on with my day. I’m at a place in my life, where I refuse to call him. No way. He called up everyone in the family and told them that he’s mad at me. SHM. But I know he never thought in a million years that I would not have called him by now. As bad as it sounds, I’m so happy. LOL LOL I’m really proud of myself in a ” MESSED UP KINDA WAY”. It’s something deep to see just how long he can go. It only tells me that in the past, had I not made up first, he would have never done it 😦  BUT this is how he is, very stubborn. None of his kids are that way. We make up when we’ve offended it each, we talk it out, we laugh it out, and we move on. Everyday my dad is mad at somebody in the family. This is the longest we’ve ever went, it has made me a strong person in this area…… 🙂 On this note… let me say this. Stop holding grudges… make up and let still stuff go. I learned to not care and take stuff to heart so much. People are going to be who they want to be…. and there is nothing I can do about it. My dad has been this person since I was born… I cannot change him.He LOVES to manipulate. If I even share why he’s mad at me, it would be so embarrassing . LOL * yeah its that petty* Thing  is…. I didn’t do anything. No more catering to him. And I’m proud of myself.

Be Blessed

LOL@ My daddy!

Hey Everybody!

Today was a good day. Thank you Jesus for that. I was sitting at the computer this morning and I prayed to have a good day and to bless someone today with smiles, and good godly conversation. I can always tell when a customer just need someone to listen to them. I can pick up on it, and I always ask, are you okay today ma’am or sir? Especially the people who just have that look about them and 90% of the time I can always get it out of them.

 Today as I was talking to this elderly lady, I was thinking how quickly I would be to help her in any way.Then I thought about my dad. Why am I not so easy to run over his house and help him when he needs it? Even though what I’m about to say is not an excuse. But my dad use so much psychology on all of us that we can’t stand to be around him so much. He tries to play one against the other and we are all grown, matter of fact my baby sister is 35. Thats why I can’t tolerate a bunch of bull. I will “dip” out on our friendship in a heartbeat. My daddy will be like… “Can you pick me up and take me to my doctor’s appointment tomorrow”? And I’ll be like yeah daddy what time? He’ll be like in the morning around 9, but Imma call you when I wake up. So I’ll be like okay cool. Then when the next morning comes, he’ll wait till it’s around 9:30 call me and say. “Gotdammit, if you didn’t want to take me to the doctor then you should have said something, you were SUPPOSE to pick me up @ 9. I’ll hold the phone like……no he didn’t. I’ll remind him that he told me he would call me when he wake up. Then he’ll say, well, if you were up and dress why didn’t you call me first? LOL After so many years of dealing with him on his own ( my mom and he separated 8 years ago) I come to realize that when he really want to do something, he will BLOW YOUR CELL PHONE OFF YOUR HIPS. But let him not call him when he really don’t feel like going somewhere. He will try to make me feel that he really wanted to go. Anyway, my dad is getting better, but whewww he’s that kinda man who tell people “I aint never gonna change”! Oh well, I still love him.

Will me and my dad ever get along?

Good Afternoon!!

  

 I slept upstairs for the first time in years. It’s so pretty up there and I never sleep there at all. I’m a couch gurl, ( until I’m married). Thank you Lord for waking me up and starting me on my way.

 

 

 This morning I got up and went to the Detroit River, for my morning with my daddy ( God). I grabbed  CD’s and other things and I had a good time again. I dunno what I’m going to do in the winter time. LOL But anyway, I had a wonderful time. I sat and watched a squirrel eat some french fries that was in the garbage.LOL I have video footage for you all.

 

 

 

 

 

 I came home and my dad was calling. Still talking to me as if I live in his home, and  still a kid. Since he and my mom separated he feels that we should be at this house everyday, bringing him food, cleaning his house,bringing him Liquor, and waiting on him hand and foot. My dad made my life miserable growing up. I let that bother me for years and years.I’m so over him now!!! I was the kinda kid that didn’t require all that fussing with smacking in the face, hollering at, because I get things even if I have to be left alone for a coupla hours. Now, I know why he “picked” on me so much. I saw how he manipulated my mother, me, his own sisters and brothers,my siblings, everyone. I was the first to see it, and since we were allowed to express ourselves without being disrespectful. I use to always ask him the questions that would force him to mirror himself, AND HE HATED IT!

 

 

  When he first said Hello …… I could tell what kinda mood he was in…. I said hey daddy. He said why you didn’t tell Neisha to call me when she got in from Ohio on Sunday? My first thought was……….okay he’s in one of his arguing moods. So, me being nice, trying with all my might, not to make my voice  sound Non-confrontational. He press the issue, and I say well daddy she got home late, he said “So what you didn’t tell her!” Now, I’m looking at the phone like……….are you for real? Once he sees me quiet, he goes elsewhere. He said, I need somebody to come ova here and clean my house up. I said daddy! You had a house keeper that was cleaning up your house for you and getting paid by the state. You told her that you wanted half of the money ( that’s how he is) and she told you BYE! I said daddy you can’t do that. I said why do you feel that you should get half when you are the first to claim that your back hurts, and you can’t hardly walk? I’m saying all this in a nice tone, trying to get him to listen to what I’m saying. I say daddy, your apartment shouldnt be as messy as it is, you’re the only one living there. All you have to do is after you finish eating, take your plate, cup, fork/spoon and wash it out. Then he says” I CANT DO THAT, IM TOO WEAK ( aint nothing wrong with him, he’s so use to us running over and do it for him) I CANT STAND THERE AND WASH NO DAYUM DISHES!! You hollering that same s*** na and peedie ( my sisters ) told me. I said daddy, you can’t get no less than one person living in your apartment. I said daddy, okay, since you said you can’t do it ( and the doctor never diagnosed him as cant do anything) pray and ask God for strength to help you to wash the one dish, pots, fork/spoon, cup. Then he gon SCREAM “GOT DAMMIT DIDNT I TELL YOU I COULDNT DO IT? I said daddy, I know you can’t ( yes he can) but when you ask God you wont be using your own strength, you’ll be using God’s. Then he gon say…. “WELL WHY THE CRIPPLE PEOPLE DON’T ASK GOD FOR HELP?…… I said to myself………..that’s it. I can’t mess with him. He will cause me to sin. Just then his line beeped ( YES!!!!) and he said imma call you back. Then he calls back and tries to nut up on me. I’m telling you, I love my daddy, but he’s too much for me. Last week, he called me asking,…”What you cook”? I said nothing today, Neisha is gone (OHIO) and its”go for what you know” day. Then he says… Well every time I call my 4 kids they aint neva cooking, yall lazy!!! When I was growing up my grandmother cooked everyday. I said okay daddy….. that’s cool. But our kids are all grown except Ganell and she’s a Cook herself, she’s 16 years old. We don’t have babies in our family. Then he says “I DONT GIVE A DAYUM, YALL JUST LAZY, YALL DONT NEVER COOK, THAT DONT MAKE NO DAYUM SENSE.” Something in my mind just wanna snap, cause I had to deal with this until I moved out at 22, and then still he would call me and  “terrorize” me with things he knew I needed him to help me with. Me, still being nice and respectable……..says to him, “Well daddy is it that you want someone to bring you a plate? He  says YEA, I MEAN ……DAYUM………. yall don’t neva cook!!! I say, well why didn’t you just say that in the first place, instead of dogging us out because all of our kids are grown and we HAVE CHOICES to cook or not to cook? . When he gets mad at me, he says. “WHEN I DIE, DONT COME TO MY FUNERAL” I just shake my head and be like…….. okay daddy…. talk to you later. I’m use to all of that. I made a vow to myself I would love my baby, and treat her with respect. What I went through with him, taught me good!!! I raised Neisha totally different from how he treated me. I hate that I can come from a morning visit with God, and come home to a phone call and throw off my whole day. I hate when he has that kinda power. Being in his presence …..is so hard for me sometimes.Then he wants to know why I’m the only child of his that hardly comes over. He wont quit with the abusive words and foul language. He called the other day and said….. what yall eat today? I said we went out to dinner. He said  YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, IM OVA HERE EATING SPAGHETTI FOR  3  DAYUM DAYS IN A ROW (exaggerate) AND YALL WENT OUT TO DINNER? I just held the phone………. I cant do it anymore.

 

I use to be on punishments for summers and summers at a time!! I could never play with my friends. He never let up on me and my sister who is under me. She’ll get him told now, she does NOT play. I’ll just be like…… I’ll talk to you later daddy. My Sister married her high school sweetheart. They own about 12 houses, he has a heating and cooling company, and she’s an accounting for the city of Detroit, plus they live in a half million dollar home. My daddy feel that since they are doing well, that they suppose to run ova there whenever he wants something. They did it for years, he dogged them out. He still wants more, and more, and more, and more! I feel bad for him. Then he says ” I AINT CHANGING FOR NOBODY, THIS IS HOW IM GONE  DIE”. That mentality kills, and burns me up!! When he gets mad at me, he will call up all my siblings and my momma and tell them. He does the same to them. Now are so use to this I’ll be like………. okay.  I’m not about to disrespect my daddy, so I don’t deal with him as much. We talk 6 times a week probably more, cause he will blow your phone up! LOL But to go and sit in his messy house………. I don’t thank so. I take him to the doctor, store, our family functions……. but he drains me. He still has this control over me that drives me crazy…..even @ 42 years old. Lord, forgive me. I rather stay away, and keep points off my record with God, than to be in his presence and allowing him to continue the mental abuse !!

 

I needed to vent!!! I feel better too. I’ll be back with my next entry…….. A good one……more positive!!

 

Cree