I love to listen to music when I write, so click this video as you read my story.
The last straw….
Ten years ago, I was seeing this guy who I really liked. He was funny, loved to talk, love to do things that I liked. He called me all the time, and I did the same. I never wondered or even saw signs of him with other women. When I met him he was separated, and had his own apartment. I enjoyed going over to his house, and he was at my place often. But at some point and time, he stared acting strange, differently. He didn’t come over as much, he seemed some what distant. This was really a change for me. When I would ask him what’s up with him, he would tell me “nothing”. I’m cool.
One night, I woke up about 5 am in the middle of the night. I just couldn’t shake this feeling about him. He was on my mind heavy. I promised myself that I wouldn’t go back to the old “LaCrease” and start acting crazy. I was something different back in my 20′s, and I knew that I had came a long way. But it was something about this guy that I really loved, and I thought that I had everything under control. I sat at the edge of the bed wondering if I should slip on some pants and go by his wife house.
I had God in one ear, and Satan in another. I decided to over rule God and slip on some clothes, grabbed my car keys, and I was out!!!! I remember clear as day everything that night. His wife lived about 3 minutes from me. I was on my way to her house to see if his car was in her driveway. I was doing top speed, the closer I got to her house, the more I wanted to know if my suspensions were right. I turned down her block and there was his car pulled up in the drive way as if “he lived there”.
I was devastated….
I drove off slowly and in shock. I can still look back and remember no signs of this about to happen to me. I drove home shock, devastated , I wanted to drive my car up the median. I was driving so slow, I was in a daze. I got home and sat on the edge of the bed. I kept asking myself how could I be so dumb? How could I allow myself to go through this again? How could I have thought that he wouldn’t go back to his wife at some point? He had every right too, he was married. Even though he had to go to God and ask for forgiveness for his relationship with me, he had every RIGHT and reason to want to go back and make his marriage work. I had no place in that at all.
As I sat on the bed, I began to cry. Because after something like this. I cant trust him to be with me. Who am I? I knew this was over. I didn’t even look at him the same. So what, he had his own place, so what he was separated and with me for over a year, so what, he spent a lot of time with me. So what, so what, so what!!! This man had every right to go back to his wife, when he got good and ready too. So, I had to make up in my mind to cut him loose.
As, I sat on the bed, I went into my night stand and grabbed the rest of my Absolute Vodka that I had from a night that my friends and I drank at a cabaret. I didn’t want to die at that point, but I did want to numb my pain. I decided that I was going to drink the rest of Vodka down, and don’t stop until the bottle was empty. And then I wanted to lay across my bed and pass out from everything I was feeling. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. Not how stupid I was feeling, how played I felt, how many signs I missed. I just wanted to tap myself on my wrist and feel absolutely NOTHING!!
I grabbed the bottle by the neck and threw it down my throat. All of a sudden I started chocking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was gasping for air, my whole life was flashing before me. I was done with the bottle, but I couldn’t breathe. I tried standing up, I tried to focus, I tried to calm down, but nothing was working. I could NOT breathe. All while I was going through this. I could hear God saying to me ( cant remember the exact words, but it something to this). You better get it together, you betta get up from here and live! You have your daughter, and you have yourself to live for. Just then, I was able to breathe. I was sitting around crying and glad that I didn’t die. I was DRUNK!! God said now lay down and go to sleep!!! He was angry with me and I knew it.
That very next day. I was depressed and didn’t want to eat, sleep, work, cook, or even spend time with Neisha. I just wanted to lay around. That very day I had made up in my mind that I was going to get over him. I made up in my mind that I wasn’t going to take any phone calls from him because it was going to either…. A. make me want him even more and “relapse” or B. start to hate him, something I didn’t want to do. After a week I was doing good. He hadn’t called, and I hadn’t called him either. I was still laying in the bed, all I did was work, cook for Neisha and slept. I didn’t want to do anything. After those 2 weeks were up. I was feeling good. It took some time, but I got over him!!! Praise God!!! Thank you Jesus!!!
I shared my testimony with you all, JUST TO GET TO THIS POINT. Sistergurls, LOVE YOURSELF. Know when its over. Know when its time to count the time and loss that you spend in the relationship. Its okay….. because if you leave in time, you’ll leave with your mind. If this didn’t work out for you, the person God has for you is still out there. How can you get to that person, if you’re still crying and chasing the wind *man*. God knows and has what’s best for us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. We have to trust that God made a man designed just for us.
Listen Sistergurls. I want you to stop for a moment, and visualize my next words. Make a mental Video………….Imagine yourself walking around wearing a size 6 shoe, when you really wear a size 10 wide? Does that make sense to you? Well, that’s how it is having the wrong man in your life. The shoe doesn’t LOOK good. It doesn’t feel RIGHT. It doesn’t FIT. In order to get some relief, you have to take that WRONG shoe off. Now, would you put it back on? Okay, so now that you have this WRONG shoe off your feet, you have to find the SHOES that fits you………Right? Well, this is how is with a man. You have to find the MAKER ( GOD) so that HE can pair you up with the right SHOE (MAN). We can’t just walk around wearing the wrong shoes. LOL God made us all, he knows what kinda shoes ( man) we want and desire. He has that man set aside for us. Now understand too, that everyone doesn’t get married in this life time, just as every bird doesn’t always fly. But we can pray and have hope, that there is someone out there for us.
We have to have patience with God. We have to want HIS WILL for us. He can bring this man in our lives when he gets ready. Let me share with you some things that you can do in your “meantime”.
Spend time in your bible. Even if you read a page a day. Make it a do or die moment.
Play gospel music DAILY in your house. Sing them with your kids. Let them learn/hear the song.
Don’t be afraid to ask God questions. Ask him what is it that he wants you to do in your lifetime. Ministry speaking.
Pray DAILY. Praying is just having regular conversations. Talk to God as if he was sitting in the same room.
Go to a quiet place and talk to him. Maybe take a drive, go to the river, sit on your back porch ( where people cant disturb you), take a bath, go in the attic or basement, take a walk. Its very peaceful, and once you start to do this daily, you will not LET ANYONE DISTURB YOUR TIME WITH HIM. It will be something that you don’t want anyone to DISRESPECT.
(New International Version) Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!” Isaiah 30