Today was a silent day. My BFF can always tell when something is going on with me. Sometimes it makes me sick.(LOL) I get quiet and she knows it. More on that in my next blog entry.
I knew that when I went to work this morning the students would make me feel better. Its a trip that I prayed for a gurl when Nesha was born. I’m finding out that my bond is closer with the boys. They don’t have attitudes, they play too much, and will try you, but for the most part…. I think I’ve been sleeping on them.
I have never in my life seen so many gurls with attitudes… for NO reason. But I study them, I found out that gurls go through a lot. We are very emotional, and we think about stuff way too much. Boys let it go through their minds and its over. Imma have to talk to GOD about that. LOL Here I am still thinking about an email almost a week ago, and the person who sent it, probably aint thought no more about it. LOL Its funny, but its not. I need to find out why we’re like this.
I remember being 14 and thinking about boys all day long. I couldn’t sleep too busy thinking about boys. And trust me, they do the same thing, as soon as the bell ring, they are somewhere looking for their gurlfriends and HER friends to play in the hall way. I’m learning with kids though, that they are doing exactly what they’re suppose to do…. PLAY and learn from their experiences.
This one boy, he’s just like me…. let people get under his skin. I’m better with it because I’m older and have more experience with dealing. I see myself in him so much its crazy. What amazes me is that people LOOK for opportunities to get under our skin. Seems as if they wake up to find people *like us* to irritate. But as soon as we SNAP….THEY’RE DONE WITH US!!! And you know what’s a trip? I have been in SO many situations where I’d find myself in, and I have to end up praying myself out of TURNING INTO THE INCREDIBLE HULK! I was standing in line one day, and the lady at the register was taking so long, with decided which things she wanted, she was with her friend who was so embarrassed, she left and went to sit in the car. This lady took so long, didn’t care about how long the line was. I was seconds from turning into the HULK. And when I get like this * not too often* I have to walk around in my little square, and think about PEACEFUL things like……. Flowers.. roses, water, rain, trees, clouds, God/Jesus, bathtub, rivers, and grass to keep me from turning into a green monster. My legs get to moving side to side, and my eyes probably turn GOLD. LOL I get hot, and if my mind wander from those things I name…. I can feel the ROAR in me when the HULK wants to rise. The best thing is…. I can hear God so clearly saying, Lacrease you can do it, just be calm, stay focus, don’t embarrass me, relax, its okay. So, I know what this boy is going through. He doesn’t know how to find a medium in how to react. I told him today…. its still a struggle for me… and I’m 46. He was shocked when I told him I still struggle. He’s a serious person just like me, and the people who love to play, love to get an reaction out of us, will be the ones to push our buttons. We had a good long talk today. I think he’s one of my favorites. 🙂
What hurts me the most is seeing those young gurls who are going through something. This one gurl walks the hall so slow, and with something heavy on her heart. I can tell when she looks at me that something is going on with her at home. I can feel it. I went to her and introduced myself and said to her… if you ever want to talk to me, you can.. my name is Ms. Walker and what ever we talk about is between me and you. I saw her today and my heart smiled. There is so much molestation and rape going on with these kids… it pisses me off. I know the spirit. Then some come to school and be as tough as they wanna be, then there are those who suffer in silence…. gotta leave this topic alone.:(
Next week is Spring Break… YES!!!! I’m going to the movies this weekend with my friends, and next week… I will be writing and catching up on personal things.
As I sit here in a New Chapter of my life. I enjoy the fact that its only me. I love that. I can FOCUS on myself. I’ve never had time like this to really pay so much attention to who I am. Sometimes I admit I don’t know that to do with myself. LOL But one thing that has been on my mind for the longest, something so petty to the next person, but it has played a huge part of how I lived my life.
I’ve always had a beautiful shape, small waist and a behind that is noticeable. When I was young, guys who were older than me would always try to talk to me. They would always tell me how pretty I was, and how beautiful my shape was. I grew up with both my parents in the home, and my parents didn’t play that being fast mess. My daddy would kill us with his bare hands, if we were acting fast. As a matter of fact, I was shy, stayed to myself and never wanted any trouble. Because it was easy to see this in me, many men felt free to tell me about my body. I remember so clearly how people would say to me, “why is your booty so big”? This would bother me, because I hated attention, I wanted to be the gurl in the back ground. I didn’t know why my body was made this way. I didn’t know why men would look at me and want me. I didn’t know I would be molested and raped by several men in my life before I even left to be on my own at 22. I didn’t know that my body could cause so much chaos in my life.
When I was in my teens, I would always catch it with the older women about my body. They were the ones who really did me in on this subject. Making me feel that when God created me, that I was on some sort of assembly line and that I got in the “behind line” one too many times and he must have missed catching me. Making me feel as if I some how cheated and “got more” than what they had. They all made me feel so ashamed of myself. So, I started wearing extra long shirts, and sweaters to cover my body even more. I would pull at the bottom of my shirts, stretching them way out of shape. I made sure that no one saw my body anymore. Instead of wearing a regular shirt, that everyone else was wearing, I chose to wear everything long.
Its a shame how I didn’t know any better to understand that God made my body. And to tell these grown OLD women just that. I didn’t have any say on how he made it. I didn’t stand in a line to get it, I didn’t chose, beg, or pray. I didn’t do anything but come to this world to serve a purpose for HIM.
With all that said. I have gained so much weight over the years that I can’t believe that I let myself get so out of shape. As I can see myself in a different light BY LIVING ALONE AND BEING ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME. I have already started a SERIOUS workout plan to be healthy and beautiful as God has made me. I am 16 days into working out EVERYDAY. And I LOVE IT. I have never been so serious about this, and everyday I go to bed and I look forward to working out the next day, and setting short term goals…and MEETING THEM!!!!
No longer will I allow ANYONE to make me feel bad because of my body, or any thing else. Its funny how everyone had something to say about it then when I didn’t know any better, but now a days having a BIG BEHIND is in. People are getting booty shots, and DYING to have WHAT I WAS ALREADY BORN WITH.
I have and will always carry myself as woman. I will no longer misuse my body for ANYONE’S OPINION of me. If they have a problem take it up with God…. he’s my creator.
This is MY story about my BODY… but there are stories of people who are drop dead gorgeous, people who have light skin and dark skin. This is for people who have skin disorders, born without an ear, nose. For people who have large breast and people who stare at you, this is for anyone who has covered up their appearances because others made them feel bad. THIS POST IS FOR YOU!
Psalms 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”
Cree *photo ABOVE taken in Atlanta Georgia, July 1993