I know I have been missing…. LOL Just doing some Soul Searching ya know? I decided that I wasn’t going to “do too much” that I was going to buy me some sticky posts and go back to writing simple notes and tag them around my computer monitor to remind me of what’s important.
Right now I have 10 notes, and 5 of them says…. “Stop trying to take on everybody”… “Call Sherry Friday after 7”, “God, Me, Family and Friends”, “My credit score is….” and the other is my work schedule for the week”. I realized that I try to do too much. My mind is cloudy, I don’t sleep much, I’m working, doing this, and planning that. So, I decided that God was important, Myself, then family and friends. And I like this. I get to come home from work, and see that I’m not all over the place. I’m the kinda gurl that if I write something down, plan a date, or pick up the phone and make plans……its a done deal. I have to visualize it, and then write it down.
One day last week, me and Neisha were on our way home. We were entering the freeway, when this truck/bus didn’t get over OR speed up so that we can merge properly. Oh, I was heated and on fire. Then Neisha ( my daughter) said to me…..”Ma you gotta stop trying to take on everybody”. She said you cant beat everybody. I’m like WOW….that really, I mean really made a light bulb go off in my head.Her words hit me hard!!! She was right!!!! I do try to take on everybody!!! Wow! And in my mind….. I’m not trying to beat everybody, I just want them to know that they’ve just offended me. I have to blow my horn, or If I’m at work and I say… “this is 20 items or less and you have over 50, and its not fair to the people behind you”. Then if they say ( and they usually will ), well, I’m a customer too, and since I’m already in line, I’m not moving, they’re just gonna have to wait. That right there…………gets my blood boiling. Right there in that moment, my leg starts jumping, and I get this feeling inside, and I have to say “Lord, please come down here and help me”. In my mind, I want to knock everything off the counter, and say ” not by these hands you wont get rung up”. I get down right mad…. again… because I’m angry and feel offended. You’re showing me that you don’t care about others. I’m personally offended by that. In my mind…. I’m asking… how could you look back at this line ( and yes, they are looking at you), and say F*** Yall to these people? Really? Is it really all about you……then since I’m the cashier, I feel you personally made me apart of THE BS. Because I have to ring you up.
Soooooo, when Neisha told me this, it really was a AHA Moment. But still I didn’t know where this anger had come from.
The very next day, I was reading some Tweets and noticed that this one person is always tweeting and talking down on this ONE person. It made me so angry, I made up a fake twitter account and NUTTED UP on them. Each time I sent out a Tweet, it was like “Pepsi to the head”…..FANTASIC feeling. This person didn’t know who I was, and it made it easier for me to go off . Then, it became “time consuming” to keep up with this person. I was way out of character, and it was taking a lot of energy from me, and even though it felt good in the beginning, I didn’t like it anymore. So, after 3 days I deleted the account and asked God….what drives me to “take on everybody”? I begged God to please help me!!! Its killing me to be angry with someone everyday, just because they have “offended” me. I’ve always been a person that does my own thing. But when people gossip, lie, be fake, don’t care about the next persons feelings, think about themselves, be selfish, mean, THAT BOTHERS ME TO NO END. And I don’t know how to control myself.
I said Lord, I cant keep going through this, I want to stop it before it gets way out of hand. God knows that when I need a word from him, I will get some place, sit down and listen for him to speak to me.