My dad

Lord only you can wipe my tears away.

Today my sister called me and we talked about our baby sister *34* being mad at us for not going to see my dad and as often as she does. Growing up she was closer to him and we were closer to my mother. Today we all talked on the 3 way, and my sister told us to come on around the corner because her and her fiancee * I just love him to pieces* made food on the grill. I was happy to go because my baby sister was mad at us for a day, and we wanted to hug and see her. I knew she had picked up my dad, so that was cool too we could all be together.

My dad has always been an alcoholic, we have gotten over that part. But now he has Ataxia, its a disease that attacks his nervous system and causes him to fall at any given time. My dad is very very very stubborn. Although he has a walker and a cane, he feels that * people* will look at him if he has to have a mobile chair or anything to help him walk. Tonight he was slurring, and drinking, and it just made me cry so bad. Never in my life did I know my sister had been dealing with this, because the rest of us me, my sister and brother wont deal with it, especially since he doesn\’t want the help. Tonight I finally understand where my sister is coming from. My dad couldn\’t walk off her front porch, my brother, brother n law and we had to physically carry him off the porch. My dad has always been a person who * doesn\’t need help*, and to see him in this state, just killed me tonight. Had it not been for God, I wouldn\’t have any tears left.

I\’m just so hard broken that he is killing himself with liquor and cigarettes. My mom left him 6 years ago, he\’s staying in a senior citizens building, and now I\’m going to wonder about him day in and day out. His speech is so slurred, and when he stopped the drinking it was coming back. We told him that we wasn\’t going to put his liquor in the truck and he just went off on us. He turns into this demon about his Liquor. So just tonight I called him to see how he is doing and he was doing okay, I can tell in his voice. I\’m going over to his house tomorrow after Neisha moves in her dorm and see how he\’s doing.

I see what my Sister is talking about. She could never do that alone. She needs us, he needs us, we need each other. I couldn\’t even live with myself, if I don\’t step in. He\’s not like that all the time, that\’s the good part, it comes and goes. But tonight I think God let me and my sister start back talking, just so that I can see what she was talking about. And I see.

I see that I\’m going to have to set some rules for him before I start being back in his picture. My dad hasn\’t spoken to my mom is almost 2 months because she got tired of running over to his house bringing him liquor and cigarettes. he plays these mind games with us, and that\’s what I\’m NOT going to deal with. No way. My sister just let him have his way. He did give me his doctors number, so tomorrow I\’m going to give her a call to see if he can get a mobilized cart to get around in.

Guess I tried to retire stepping up in the family, guess by me being the oldest, Imma have to wear the badge once more. Maybe that\’s why God made me the oldest. I do my best to make things happen.

Thank you Lord for a shoulder to cry on, its late and I have to be up and out by 8am. Thanks for forgiven me. Thanks for comforting me. Thanks for looking over my ignorance and maybe denial about my dad, but I learned it is what it is!! Thank you Lord for this day.

Photo is my dad, my baby sister fiancee, and my brother- n- law

Good Night

Cree