Rapist thoughts, and the new Lacrease

Hey.

Lord Thank you for another day. Another day I said. Another day. How are you doing Lord?

Today was a good day for me, time went pretty quick at work, and then I went home.

I must admit God I am a Church drop out. I was going real good a few months ago, then I dropped back out. Thats not good at all. I know Lord, that I need to go ever Sunday and not when Im not tired from work or dont feel like it. I want that same feeling I had when I went to Church a year straight without missing a Sunday. I miss that.

Lord, I havent spoken to my dad for a very long time now. Its been at least a month. He told me not to go to his funeral when he dies. Aint that something deep to tell your own child. Where does that kind of angry roots? How could you think this thought to even tell you own child? Is that hate? I told my dad, if I didnt love God so much, I would tell you off. I told him that. I could never ever in a million years tell Neisha, when I die dont come to my funeral. You have to be hurting, and hating yourself to even let those words come out of your mouth.

 

Welp,  my so called boyfriend who raped me and took my vaginity at 17 will be out of jail soon, before the year is out. For some reason I feel he is already out. I dont know the real reason why he is locked up, but I stilll havent forgotten what he did to me. I still think about that night as if it was “tonight”. He left me bleeding and cold that night in July or August. It was almost my birthday. I was saving myself. I dissed him after that. Do you know that when he saw me he had the nerve to say “Why didnt you tell me you was on your period.”? I didnt scream when he was doing it, I was just so shocked. My daddy would have killed him on the spot. I still think that I did the right thing by not screaming, I dont want my dad in jail, cause thats where he would have end up. My dad dont play about his kids. He dont play.

 

God sometimes I want to ask you questions. How could you know that this was happening to me and not do anything? How can I help someone when I cant get over it myself? What am I suppose to learn from this? Why is he still living and doing the same thing to other women? God please dont let me look up and see him in my line when he gets out of jail. He is going to ask about me, because of the people we know that I am still in contact with. I was molested by a babysitter. He is in jail and I hope he is never getting out. He is there for life, but heard that could change. Lord, dont let him get out. I dont want that rapist to get out of jail, but since he is, dont let me see him again, and especially in Walmart.

 

Lord, I know tomorrow Im going to read this entry and ask myself what in the would was I thinking to post this. Well maybe it needs to be out of me and into the world. Who knows.

 

For many years I was content with being  heavy.  I felt that if I am heavy less attention I would get. That is foolish thinking and not true. Today I am a new woman, I want to be pretty, and I deserve to be happy. I am on a journey to lose this weight and be the woman God has called me to be. Thats enough with all these lies satan has feed me all these years. I am going to be healthy and beautiful all at the same time.

 

Well, guess I go and cry.

Crease

 

 

October 27, 2005

Lord, thank you  for another day. This morning I woke up and started my day because of you, and I thank you.

 

Lord, I know that I be acting up some times, thinking crazy thoughts when people get on my nerves, and I know that I am not perfect nor do I act like I am either, but whew my brothers and sisters down here be getting on my nerves. lol

 

Lord, I know that I need to work on a lot of things in my life, and you know that I want a husband, is he ever gonna come? I mean will I ever get a husband or even had a boyfriend that is going to love me and I do the same. I mean I really want a husband to love and take care of me. Something I never had. I want him to just hand me some money and say here go shopping boo. Buy you something, not for the house or Neisha or his kids, but for you. I never heard those words before.

 

I wont push it.Guess I need to be happy with what I have.

 

Lord if I could ask you for one thing that is materialistic it would be a whole lotta money. I dont want a lost suit, I dont want to lose a family member, nor be involved in an accident. I want to win that money so I don\’t have to work any more, and that way I can do Ministry work all day. I would love that. Is it in your will?

 

In closing, thank you for listening to me, I know you love me, I can feel it, thanks for keeping my mouth shut when people say things that I am not feeling.

 

Good night Lord, and I love you

La\’Crease

 

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

-James D. Miles

Anita Baker came in Walmart! 10-24-05

Hello,
     Thank you Lord for waking me up today. Again! You always bless me and keep me for sure. I want you to know that I know it’s you that is keeping me.
 
Guess what? Anita Baker came in Walmart today. I was trying not to be nervous, but I couldnt help it. I was so nervous but at least I saw her and she hugged me.
 
I was in a good mood today. I worked from 12:00 pm to 5:45. and took a 30 min lunch. I shouldnt have but I did.
 
I also put in for a change adjustment. Im so tired of closing late and cleaning up . Gurl please Im done with that mess. My closing hours are 10:30 the latest. So I wont have to worry about that for sure.
 
WEll, Im gon to bed, I will see yall later.
 
I love you Jesus!
 
God said to me. ” I had to prove you. I had to take you through all of the disappointments to make you ready for the Glory that is about to be revealed to you. ~ Tyler Perry

A blessed day

Thank you Lord, for another day of life! Thank you, thank you , thank you.

As I see the inches come off my body, I can only thank you for it. Forgiving me the minset to go head and lose this weight. I know that I will be able to serve you better. I know that if I do this, the biggest thing that keeps me down mentally. I can do all things through Christ. I know I will be all that. I feel it. Im not even talking about physically, but mentally. Im excited!

There is one thing that I have noticed about me and me losing weight. I am learning to balance my time. That is so important. I am so excited about how I am losing weight to that fact that I am not at the computer all day and night. I will get up and clean up, I will get up in a heatrbeat and go to the store, I will get up and go around to the sisters house, I will get up and do this and that. My room stays clean, my computer room stays clean, everything is different. Its not a depression state, where I dont want to do anything. I cant explain this feeling.

Balance is very important in my life. I will come home and iron my clothes for the next day instead of doing it that day and then be running late for work. No. No! I do them the day before now, then when its time for work I can pray, watch Church on TV and then get ready for work. Im learning its a process, and it takes time too.

So Lord, I say thank you for waking me up and starting me on my way. And for the things that are too come for me. I love you, and I cant wait to see you and kiss you.

Lacrease

Met a Woman today

Thank you Lord for another day.
 
Got up this morning took Neisha to school, came home watched a little of Superman, and dosed off. Woke up to some Tim Horton\’s glazed donuts, and hot chocolate. Dosed back off, phone kept ringing, bills collector\’s calling like they know me personally. Instead of them saying \’Hello my I speak to Lacreasea Walker,\” they say \”Hello Lacreasea\’!  With an exclamation mark, not with a question.
 
So me, being the sarcastic \”wanna be lawyer\” I am~ says there are 4 Lacreasea Walker\’s that live here, which one do you want to speak too? Them they laugh a little cause they know its funny. and reply well let me speak to the one born in 1967, and I say well………………..\”She aint here\”~~click! (rofl)
 
They work my nerves! I\’ll tell ya, they need to get somewhere and sat down!!
 
Well, after I picked my gurl Neis up, we went to get our brows done. We love to get them hot waxed. I hate the tweezers them baby\’s hurt. We got them done, I stopped at the store to get her a snack, went home got on the computer for a minute and then started thinking about how Hungary I was.
 
I decided that I wanted some Young\’s Bar-beque. Yeah the oldest barbecue house in Detroit. Known for the best sauce in the city. I pulled up and there was a black lady standing in the parking lot waiting for me to get out of the car. I got out and approached her before she could even get to asking me questions. \”Ma\’am do you have any money to spare so that I can get me something to eat\’? I said ma\’am do you believe in God? Yes, she said I believe that Jesus died on the Cross and  for my sins. She told me that she goes to the Church just acrossed the street, and that she was living in a hotel, her clothes were okay, her white coat was clean. She said she had been taking advantage of by men. I told her I said you belong to God he is rich, it is not his will for you to be living like this. I said you need to ask him for some riches to get yourself together. She told me that jealousy, envy is one of the causes of her being in the situation that she is in. She was a Supervisor before, and things started going downhill from there. She admitted to being on drugs before, and was wearing a \”hospital like\” band around her arm.
 
She said I got up this morning and did my hair. You can tell she was a nice looking lady that had somehow lost her way. She looked across the street at the Church and said I don\’t always agree with the Church says, cause they always got their hand out. And at that point it remind me of just that situation I was in when I made the decision to talk to her.
 
I don\’t know what she did with the money I gave her to eat with. I really dont know. I cant watch her every move to see where it went. Just as with the Church when I give my money. But like I told her you can\’t worry about that, you have to pray and leave that to God. All you do is your part. Although I didn\’t tell her this, but if I worried about what she did with that money I gave her, because I felt that she was going to do drugs with it, then I shouldn\’t be given her a dime. But that\’s not on me, or up to me. I did my part in giving her money to \”eat.\” What ever she do with it is solely up to her. The same as with the Church, You go and you get your spiritual food or blessing out of it, the rest you leave to God.
 
Crease
Pearls of Wisdom

Men, I just don\’t understand them sometimes

Yeah aint he fine? But looks don\’t make a woman understand how a man thinks!

This guy that I use to kick it with I wont say his name. He\’s is married but seperated for over 4 years. When he was going through the seperation he would call me  for advice. He would cry on my shoulder, and let out all his pain. I felt so sorry for him, he would do this for days, many times he wouldnt even want to go to work.  That was really my first time seeing a man cry with so much emotion. This man really loves his wife.

I never met her because of course back then during his seperation we were seeing each other off and on for 2 years. I really loved him and knew that he was a good man. You know its funny cause I would sit back and pray on this man to be MY husband one day. I thought I  saw SOMETHING she couldnt see. After many days of almost year of being wrapped up into his life and helping him to move on, he did and with other women. When he told me that he was seeing other women, I cut him off from sex .  He can\’t be with me  knowing that he\’s  with 4,5 other women. Im just not feeling that. So after we stop kicking it like that he would tell me about how he wished that he had his wife and family back. He did a lot of cheating in the relationship. He got caught once and she forgave him. He admitted to me that he had many and plenty of women. When she would kick him out for something that was his chance to go and be with one of them. It amazes me that if she did know , she never said anything to him about it, but if she didnt know, thats a shame too. Because she left him because he was selfish, which I found to be so true. HE just wasnt into making the family #1, he ran the streets never with his boys, but with women. He loves to dress, and loved his kids dearly. I neve met a man who loved their kids as much as he did. I know men love their children, but this man had his them on his mind all the time.

Well as time went on I told him that the only way for him to get back with his wife is to start going to Church, invite her and the kids. She didnt want anything to do with him, she never even wanted to hold a conversation with him. I remember she told him one time when I hear you voice I have use the bathroom. He  even got so  jealous of her new boyfirend that he beat him so bad that even he was left bleeding. I was mad at him for going over there and starting mess.

See my friend coudnt take the fact that when HE cheated, but she didnt know about that. But since they are not together and she got herself a new boyfirend he was in plain view. As long as my friend could do his dirt and she not know about it, he felt that he had a right to beat her boyfriend up cause he KNEW about it. I didnt like that one bit and I told  him how wrong he was for it. As time went on he would never take his female friends around his wife. HE would see him and her man around town and have a hissy fit after words.But he never put his hands on the guy again, but he sure did itimadated him.

A few years later my friend was finally over the break up of his wife and had many serious realtionships. He was on top of the world. He wasnt crying anymore, he wasnt doing as many ridebys to see how and what kind of car that was in the drive way. He still ask his kids questions about her, but even they became tight lipped. He drives a truck for living he had his own place, was having company over, even he and his wife started speaking again. I was really happy for him, he deserves happiness.

There was one thing that me and my friend would constanly go head to head on. She kept asking him for money to feed and help clothe their kids. He would make all this money and give her 100 here and 75 there. I told him that if she went to court that would tear your butt up. He wanted to wine and dine the women, go get sharp and buy all these \”fresh\” clothes, he hada brand new car, a house, house had the things it needed, and his son came to stay with him. His wife needed help keeping the house she was in, and was losing htat battle. She would call him to askfor money, many times he wouldnt give her nothing saying that \”you got that nigga living up there with you why do you get hin to help you\”. I would tell him those are your kids, it aint her business or his to take care of YOUR kids. I told him you just hate to see a man in your house with your kids, I said those kids are your responsibility. I was so mad at him. He gave her what he wanted her to have, while he buy clothes, go to concerts and spend money on dates.

Recently she had to move up out of her house because she coudlnt afford to stay there, so she moved in with her mother.

My friend came to visit me, while looking for something in his truck, I was about to ask why are all your things in here. BEfore I could even open my mouth he said I moved out of my house! Im like whatttt …….what happened? He said I couldnt afford it anymore, Im staying with my momma. Im like what…….. you are lying. HE told me that his wife is getting $250.00 a WEEK from child support. That blew me back.  That is a lot of money. Thats $1000.00 a month. I said with her money from work ( she drives a school bus )and yours, she can do big thangs ( lol I said this  in my mind).

Just 2 days ago he called me and told me that he senn his wife when he went to take his daughter back home. And that he asked her since their son (15) was stying with him for almost 2 years can he have back some of the money she gets weekly. HE said she told him yes. So now he\’s all happy. So I said to him, well what about the 2 years when he wasnt styaing witih you, and you knew she needed you, but you didnt give her much or nothing at all? I said that one child dont make up for those 2 years with her having the OTHER 2 of yours.

Now Im going to sum this whole story up.

 He was a cheater while he was married, she never knew or found out about 95% he was slick. She didnt want to be with him so she got a new man, he couldnt handle it because he had never seen or imagine her with someone else. When she needed money to  help with the kids, he gave her little or nothing. He had control, she kept it all in and dealt with his selfishness. HE admitted that he loved when she needed his help, it showed that he was still needed in her life. She had to move out and live with her mother, child support kicked in and she had an increase of $1000.00! Wow! His income decreased $1000.00. HE couldnt affored rent, his new car, and his women, she now he is also staying with his mother.

Now you tell me……………………. does God like ugly? It may have taken my friend over 4 years for all of this to   come to a head but its here. And guess what? Now she is going to give him money to survive.

 

 

 

Thank you!

Lord,

     Thank you! Thank you for making me different from everyone in the world. Thank you for making us all different in all areas. Thank you for hand picking the best brother and 2 sisters any one could have. Thank you for the best parents in the world.

I want to say Than you for the skies in which I look at daily. How beautiful they are. For all the times when I just wanted to give up and leave this world. Then here you come (smile) and bring a reason for me to be here another day. Thank you Lord for being so unselfish with the child you gave me 19 years ago. I promised you Lord that I would take care of her to the best of my ability.

 I said to you that if you gave me a gurl she would grow up to know you. I didnt know then that I should\’nt have said what I\’d do if you gave me a gurl, but Im so thankful that you knew that I didnt know any better.  She is in college, she wants to be a Lawyer. She is so focused and loving her classes. I am so proud of her Lord. And just today I was telling you thanks, and that what ever you call her to be, Im glad its  your will. I have raised her to treat eveyone nice, even if they dont treat you the same. I even told her that if she finds her self not being treated well to forgive them and exit them out of your life. There\’s no need to stay in that realtionship especially when it could cause you to sin somewhere soon down the line.

Lord thank you for having a roof over my head, a car in the drive way, and a job to go to in the morning. I see all the things that you do for me, and I so appreciate it very much. Thank you Lord.

Lord, I know you are so dissatisfied for the lack of focus I have shown. I didnt  realize that you must have goals in order to move on to the next step. And you know I can believe that too, because when I set out to do something, I always end up doing it.

Foe example: Next year in July 06 I am planning to go to ATL for a whole week. I am so focus on going to meet the Ladies of Pearls-of-Wisdom that its funny. So with saying all of that. I have set a goal to be wearing a pair of black jeans that I havent been in for over 3 years. So Lord I now know.

Lord, I love you very much. I cant wait to see you and kiss you and hug you. I am just excited to know that I have a choice to do right. Even though I dont always choose the right path, you are always there for me, and you always send people in my path to show me that I was wrong. I love that about you, becuase it seems as through you are always paying me some attention.

People often ask: How do you know when God is speaking to you? You will know his voice if you spend time with him. Just like a kid who is calling their mother in the grocery store. She will anwer \”HUH\” in a instant  heartbneat because she knows her child\’s voice. There can be 25 women in the store, but that one woman knows the sound of her own child. Thats because she has spent time with him/her. Children also will know their mothers voice the same as if she was calling them in the store. So when a person spends time with God, when he speaks to them……………..they know his voice.

Lord, in closing. I want to say that I love you. I have so many subjects to write about, and your love never stops. I Thank you.

Lacrease