So today….. I’m feeling some kinda way. I hate when I feel like this. I need to clean up, but I want to be on the computer. I want to go to the river, but I don’t feel like fighting/finding a parking spot. I want to watch TV but my mind is all over the place right now. My daughters great aunt passed away this morning… and I’m not good with funerals at all. I’m just a cry baby, I cry and cry, and cry and cry, and cry and cry and cry.. not because of death, but because of the Spiritual Atmosphere. If no one else is crying, I just can’t follow suit and let things be happy… I have to go someplace alone and cry. She was sick, so it helps that family members were preparing. I keep telling myself… to be absent from the body is to be PRESENT with the Lord.
I text my daughters father today, and told him how sorry I was…. BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM SOOO mad at myself for not being able to call him. Because I know I’m going to cry and MESS UP HIS ATMOSPHERE.. Why do I have to be so sensitive? If I hear a organ and the choir sing….. I start to cry… like weeping Wanda from Good Times. So dayum embarrassing!!!
My daughter was looking at me today like….momma its okay. Its her great aunt, and I’m crying like she was my mom. Thing is my mom has one sister/sibling, she has one daughter, and everyone is alive. My dad has 7 siblings… all of them are alive except my uncle he passed away years ago of cancer. All of my aunts are alive and they are doing well and look good…. ALL OF MY FIRST COUSINS ARE ALIVE… ALL OF MY SECOND COUSINS ARE ALIVE… and my dads mom only died 3 years ago. My friends are alive that I grew up with. I have never lost a close friend male or female. So, this is why I feel this way about funerals. I haven’t been to many, and then on top off that I’m already sensitive. I pray ALL THE TIME.. that when our family does have our turn * AND YES WE WILL*, that God makes me the strong one. Make me stronger than I feel that I am LORD. Oh yes, we all have to go, and that’s fine…. but I want to cry a little, laugh a little, and understand that these things must take place.
Okay… I think I feel better now… I do. Thank you Lord for the gift of writing. I feel okay 🙂